Lost at Sea
Drowning in Memory14 total reviews
Comment from roof35
This was a great story. I could picture the sad girl on the beach and the ships flailing in the sea. You gave it a shot and you hooked me at the beginning and pulled me in at the end. Very nicely done.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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This was a great story. I could picture the sad girl on the beach and the ships flailing in the sea. You gave it a shot and you hooked me at the beginning and pulled me in at the end. Very nicely done.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you.
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Thank you.
Comment from Lucy de Welles
Wow! You really pulled it off! Much better.
A couple more things:
Not liking the choice of name. Elizabeth and especially "Liz" tends to draw the mind to tea in the front parlor, not terror in the deep. Something stronger, more legendary. A strong Spanish name, or the name of a heroine. Something that a sea captain would name his daughter and not something that a sea captains WIFE would name his daughter :)
Last sentence of paragraph 3 and first sentence of paragraph 4, you are using the word "caught" twice. When you use the same word twice, it diminishes the power of the word both times. Same with all the times you are using the word "waves."
...shore before it hit them.
It caught them a few miles off shore.
(see, only using "caught" once)
Rain pelted down from the heavens. Towering walls of water caused the ships to lurch violently in every direction. Thunder boomed overhead like a canon, as treacherous waves flooded lower decks making hulls heavy and sinking inevitable.
(You had a lot of run-on sentence happening here ;))
As her father attempted to assist his sailors, a massive ablution rolled over the rail and cleared the deck forever of men and material. If God was watching, He could see Liz clinging for dear life to the mount where the captains wheel had once commanded a proud, prosperous fleet.
All the ships were slamming, splintering, groaning, trembling. Liz's screams were lost in the wind, as a giant blast ripped open the starboard side of the Roger Lee. Cousin Johnny was it's captain. Her best friend and comrade. She could see him trying to hold little Tommy Andrews inside the gun wale but the slippery waters parted their graspings forever and they followed the vomiting of men into the depths of eternity.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Just having some fun here.
Have to add some interest and break up the run-on sentences. Use a word once, twice only if you really can't find a synonym.
Also, adding names of people and ships, increases the interest of the story and causes the reader to feel like they have been served a better meal. Everyone likes to be in on the scoop. So, the more you tell us, the more "special" we feel, because you told us more details. It's a human thing. That's why people read People magazine.
I LOVE what you did with this story. I love the romantic ending. The focusing on one storm and the peripheral treatment of the new storm. The support that she had allowed to come to her and the new life that she had bound herself to (I mean that positively). The emotional and psychological support that she had, to finish facing her fears and be able to move to a new life. A new, clean slate.
All readers warm to this archetype.
Just tighten it up a bit more.
Tally Ho!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Wow! You really pulled it off! Much better.
A couple more things:
Not liking the choice of name. Elizabeth and especially "Liz" tends to draw the mind to tea in the front parlor, not terror in the deep. Something stronger, more legendary. A strong Spanish name, or the name of a heroine. Something that a sea captain would name his daughter and not something that a sea captains WIFE would name his daughter :)
Last sentence of paragraph 3 and first sentence of paragraph 4, you are using the word "caught" twice. When you use the same word twice, it diminishes the power of the word both times. Same with all the times you are using the word "waves."
...shore before it hit them.
It caught them a few miles off shore.
(see, only using "caught" once)
Rain pelted down from the heavens. Towering walls of water caused the ships to lurch violently in every direction. Thunder boomed overhead like a canon, as treacherous waves flooded lower decks making hulls heavy and sinking inevitable.
(You had a lot of run-on sentence happening here ;))
As her father attempted to assist his sailors, a massive ablution rolled over the rail and cleared the deck forever of men and material. If God was watching, He could see Liz clinging for dear life to the mount where the captains wheel had once commanded a proud, prosperous fleet.
All the ships were slamming, splintering, groaning, trembling. Liz's screams were lost in the wind, as a giant blast ripped open the starboard side of the Roger Lee. Cousin Johnny was it's captain. Her best friend and comrade. She could see him trying to hold little Tommy Andrews inside the gun wale but the slippery waters parted their graspings forever and they followed the vomiting of men into the depths of eternity.
Blah. Blah. Blah.
Just having some fun here.
Have to add some interest and break up the run-on sentences. Use a word once, twice only if you really can't find a synonym.
Also, adding names of people and ships, increases the interest of the story and causes the reader to feel like they have been served a better meal. Everyone likes to be in on the scoop. So, the more you tell us, the more "special" we feel, because you told us more details. It's a human thing. That's why people read People magazine.
I LOVE what you did with this story. I love the romantic ending. The focusing on one storm and the peripheral treatment of the new storm. The support that she had allowed to come to her and the new life that she had bound herself to (I mean that positively). The emotional and psychological support that she had, to finish facing her fears and be able to move to a new life. A new, clean slate.
All readers warm to this archetype.
Just tighten it up a bit more.
Tally Ho!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you for your honest review. I've added a bit to it and would love for you to take a second look.
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Thank you for your honest review. I've added a bit to it and would love for you to take a second look.
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Thank you so much for your imput. I truly appreciate it.
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Thank you so much. I feel you have a better understanding of ships than me, and I really appreciate all of your suggestions.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Quite the intriguing story for the contest -- however, the minimum word count is 700 words whereas yours is only 466. Thank you for sharing and best of luck at the polls! :)
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reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Quite the intriguing story for the contest -- however, the minimum word count is 700 words whereas yours is only 466. Thank you for sharing and best of luck at the polls! :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Darn dislexia. Thank you for pointing that out. I'll work on expanding it. Thank you again.
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Thank you again for pointing out the word count. I added more to it and would love for you to take a second look thank you.
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Sweet read with a killer last paragraph! Good descriptions made it easy to "see" your story evolve. My favorite phrase? " ...listening to the ghosts of her memories." Nice job!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Sweet read with a killer last paragraph! Good descriptions made it easy to "see" your story evolve. My favorite phrase? " ...listening to the ghosts of her memories." Nice job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Thank you.