Fallen
Sonnet23 total reviews
Comment from strandregs
I judge, judge is the wrong word
I feel a poem , how it makes me feel,
also how the story makes me feel
but mostly I think the joy or unjoy
of reading it
this gave me joy
I don't know shit about dissecting a poem
I only care about the shiver of joy. :-))Z.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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I judge, judge is the wrong word
I feel a poem , how it makes me feel,
also how the story makes me feel
but mostly I think the joy or unjoy
of reading it
this gave me joy
I don't know shit about dissecting a poem
I only care about the shiver of joy. :-))Z.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Zelick, many thanks for the shiver of joy and the six stars. The first is appreciated more than the second!
Steve
Comment from tfawcus
I'm afraid I can't reciprocate your six at this stage in the week, though I think this worthy of one. Nice to see you surging out of the starting gate at a catalectic canter. The spinning dice makes a nice metaphor, for it holds both the euphoria of the win and the disappointment of the subsequent losing streak. Judicious use of alliteration makes this a pleasure to read. I recollect window shopping for some magnificent jade pieces during my time in the Far East, not to mention the occasional tawdry jade after sunset.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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I'm afraid I can't reciprocate your six at this stage in the week, though I think this worthy of one. Nice to see you surging out of the starting gate at a catalectic canter. The spinning dice makes a nice metaphor, for it holds both the euphoria of the win and the disappointment of the subsequent losing streak. Judicious use of alliteration makes this a pleasure to read. I recollect window shopping for some magnificent jade pieces during my time in the Far East, not to mention the occasional tawdry jade after sunset.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Tony.
Alas, posting late in the week is not good for ratings, but I appreciate the thought.
Not everybody is happy about the incomplete first line. Let's hope the judges either don't notice or are prepared to overlook it.
Was it India where you were stationed? I am reminded of some of the gorgeous stuff we saw during our eight years in Singapore...
Steve
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I was based in Singapore. My parents lived there from 1952-1964 and I spent quite a bit of time there as a child. Then I was based at RAF Changi for my first flying tour with the RAF, from 1968-70.
I've been back a few times since, but hardly recognise the place now, it is so much changed.
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Interesting. You saw it both before and after independence. Did you go to school there, or was it back to boarding school in England?
And yes, it seems to be vastly different, even from 25 years ago when we were there.
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Boarding school in England. Summer holidays in Singapore once every three years. My parents came back to England for six months between every two and a half year tour. I lived with grandparents in the times between.
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I taught in two different local schools. Those wouldn't have been a serious option for children of expats back then. My two boys went to international schools, ending up at United World College.
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I taught in two different local schools. Those wouldn't have been a serious option for children of expats back then. My two boys went to international schools, ending up at United World College.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I enjoyed the sentiments here Steve, however your first line is a syllable short and the first word is not in meter which could be easily fixed by used a word at the beginning, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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I enjoyed the sentiments here Steve, however your first line is a syllable short and the first word is not in meter which could be easily fixed by used a word at the beginning, love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Dolly.
Yes, there is a note at the bottom to explain the first line. I am happy to leave it as it is...
Steve
Comment from lyenochka
Thanks for explaining your choice of starting with that nine syllable line. A well written sonnet that gives us the sad result of devaluing love that resulted in the loss of esteem of the woman who was once considered a "goddess."
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks for explaining your choice of starting with that nine syllable line. A well written sonnet that gives us the sad result of devaluing love that resulted in the loss of esteem of the woman who was once considered a "goddess."
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Helen.
It's not a 'happy' poem, is it? I think the message is worthwhile, though.
Steve
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear kiwisteveh, your Author notes were very helpful! No reviewer need worry about your first line.
I hope the CEC panel will appreciate your boldness in including this innovation.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Dear kiwisteveh, your Author notes were very helpful! No reviewer need worry about your first line.
I hope the CEC panel will appreciate your boldness in including this innovation.
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Suzanna.
Not the CEC for these contests - the poems go straight to the panel of judges. I am sure they will be fair.
Steve
Comment from January L'Angelle
I really enjoyed this poem. The story was so lovely and turned so quickly into a woman that was faded and used. I liked that. I really like your writing style. The sonnet suits you. Well penned. -January L.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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I really enjoyed this poem. The story was so lovely and turned so quickly into a woman that was faded and used. I liked that. I really like your writing style. The sonnet suits you. Well penned. -January L.
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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January - I think I know your cousins, May and June! 😂
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, I have some history with sonnets.
Steve
Comment from oliver818
I enjoyed Reading this poem, it's very nicely written. I particularly like the way you talk to the woman you're describing, it makes the poem more intimate. Thanks for sharing this and have a really great day
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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I enjoyed Reading this poem, it's very nicely written. I particularly like the way you talk to the woman you're describing, it makes the poem more intimate. Thanks for sharing this and have a really great day
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Oliver, thank you for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from Amanda Louise Davis
I loved this, but I do feel the meter was off on the line about reverence. I think you could easily fix it, though. This was so good. Thanks for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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I loved this, but I do feel the meter was off on the line about reverence. I think you could easily fix it, though. This was so good. Thanks for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Amanda.
I have reviewed that line, and to tell the truth, I think it's fine. Glad you enjoyed the poem.
Steve
Comment from Alchera
This Elizabethan sonnet has been beautifully written throughout its structural well fixed format and rhymed versification. Jade's life-lived worn out ups and downs narrative story lined content
flow sadly to its moralistic couplet which ends saying women-fame and new shoes have got the same life: both become old and useless. Great work.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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This Elizabethan sonnet has been beautifully written throughout its structural well fixed format and rhymed versification. Jade's life-lived worn out ups and downs narrative story lined content
flow sadly to its moralistic couplet which ends saying women-fame and new shoes have got the same life: both become old and useless. Great work.
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thank you for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written Sonnet you have penned about a fallen person. You used very good descriptive words and very nice words with great imagery also. Very nice imagery from art work you chose. Best wishes in contest. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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This is a very well written Sonnet you have penned about a fallen person. You used very good descriptive words and very nice words with great imagery also. Very nice imagery from art work you chose. Best wishes in contest. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Many thanks, Teri. I appreciate your thoughtful review.
Steve
