haiku (winged chaos shimmers)
Dare you not to be mesmerized...16 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Poet,
You're right, this image is striking!
I'm not sure about your haiku, however. Though I don't claim to be a professional in the genre, I have read and written a lot of them.
Here, you have two competing metaphors - are they tiny pilots or dancers at a disco? Not only do these two compete for the readers attention and imagination, but they then kinda cancel each other out. 'If the writer doesn't know what these are, why should I try to figure it out?' kind of thing.
I hope you won't be offended. I just think one of the metaphors should be eliminated for something more substantial.
Thanks and good luck!
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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Dear Mystery Poet,
You're right, this image is striking!
I'm not sure about your haiku, however. Though I don't claim to be a professional in the genre, I have read and written a lot of them.
Here, you have two competing metaphors - are they tiny pilots or dancers at a disco? Not only do these two compete for the readers attention and imagination, but they then kinda cancel each other out. 'If the writer doesn't know what these are, why should I try to figure it out?' kind of thing.
I hope you won't be offended. I just think one of the metaphors should be eliminated for something more substantial.
Thanks and good luck!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from LisaMay
This is a perfectly constructed, vivid image of the insects' erratic movements around the bright light. It is a very imaginative image to bring in the disco analogy.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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This is a perfectly constructed, vivid image of the insects' erratic movements around the bright light. It is a very imaginative image to bring in the disco analogy.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Such a wonderful review, LisaMay, and those bright shiny stars are so welcome around here! I'm so glad you enjoyed my crazy moths - you know, I could sit and just be mesmerized by their dizzying antics for the longest time!! Thank you so much for stopping by today and be sure to stop by again when this contest's done! Take good care out there!
Comment from Pam (respa)
-That is quite an image;
nice presentation, too.
-The syllable count is good,
along with the topic and imagery.
-I like the first line with
"winged chaos shimmers."
-A good satori line, too.
-A good entry; good luck!
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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-That is quite an image;
nice presentation, too.
-The syllable count is good,
along with the topic and imagery.
-I like the first line with
"winged chaos shimmers."
-A good satori line, too.
-A good entry; good luck!
Comment Written 29-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Thank you very much!
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You are very welcome.
Comment from L.L.M
Hi there.
Very powerful Write a Nature 5-7-5 writing prompt entry /haiku. Wonderful imagery crafted..."winged chaos shimmers" Excellent. Well done and best of luck to you. Lourens
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Hi there.
Very powerful Write a Nature 5-7-5 writing prompt entry /haiku. Wonderful imagery crafted..."winged chaos shimmers" Excellent. Well done and best of luck to you. Lourens
Comment Written 29-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Such a wonderful review, Lourens, and those bright shiny stars are so welcome around here
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Such a wonderful review, Lourens, and those bright shiny stars are so welcome around here, sir
[don't know how this sent without being finished... but here's the rest - ugh!!]
I'm so glad you enjoyed my crazy moths - you know, I could sit and just be mesmerized by their dizzying antics for the longest time!! ;) Thank you so much for stopping by today and be sure to stop by again when this contest's done! :) Take good care out there! ;)
Comment from Saria/Shreyamsi
It's really unique how you wrote about the natural disco.... Something out of the imagination...It's a well thought out poetry...Very well written...Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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It's really unique how you wrote about the natural disco.... Something out of the imagination...It's a well thought out poetry...Very well written...Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 28-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Thank you so much!!
Comment from BeasPeas
This is an amusing choice of words, none of them wasted, as the winged chaos shimmers in the spotlight. Your piece is descriptive and a fine entry for the contest. Marilyn
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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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This is an amusing choice of words, none of them wasted, as the winged chaos shimmers in the spotlight. Your piece is descriptive and a fine entry for the contest. Marilyn
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2020
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Thank you so much!