Looking Out for Carl
She was only getting out of the rain...19 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I just knew Christie was a ghost, the untouched drink, the not shaking of the hand, the strange looks Sadie kept getting, a few little hints dropped as the story continued. I thought it was just lovely. Christie had waited around until she had found someone for her husband. That is so sweet. You wrote this so well, my friend, I loved it! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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I just knew Christie was a ghost, the untouched drink, the not shaking of the hand, the strange looks Sadie kept getting, a few little hints dropped as the story continued. I thought it was just lovely. Christie had waited around until she had found someone for her husband. That is so sweet. You wrote this so well, my friend, I loved it! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 19-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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Thanx so much for the awesome review, Sandra -- I'm so very glad you enjoyed this one, my friend -- hadn't written a good short story in a while and when I was done, I was like: yeah, that felt good... bring on another challenge - LOL!l :) :) Course, there still need to be a few more hours in each day, but, hey, anything's possible for 'fantasy girl', right?! ;) Thank you so much for the bright, shiny stars - take care and have a wonderful week ahead! ;) I'll be catching up soon... :) :) :) Yvette
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I don't like the ending, though I'm not sure what I was expecting. I'm not going to down grade you in stars, I'm just speechless. Thrown off? My favorite author Ellen Hopkins ends her books like that sometimes too, we just don't always think the same...and that's okay. Great job with this.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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I don't like the ending, though I'm not sure what I was expecting. I'm not going to down grade you in stars, I'm just speechless. Thrown off? My favorite author Ellen Hopkins ends her books like that sometimes too, we just don't always think the same...and that's okay. Great job with this.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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Thank you so very much for your time in reviewing and for your honest opinion. And you are so right, we don't all think the same. I'm sorry it 'threw you off'... I tried to put clues throughout so that it wasn't such a 'drastic' end... :) :) :) Thank you again for your time - I always enjoy your writing as well. Take care! ;)
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It's okay. Like I said my favorite author does the same thing. There are times I want to throw the book across the room after it's done...but I always go back. I'm drawn into it. lol.
Comment from J W Warner
Really enjoyed this short story. It's a bit of a variation on a well-known tale, yet written well enough that it reaches a nice conclusion that puts a smile on the reader's face.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Really enjoyed this short story. It's a bit of a variation on a well-known tale, yet written well enough that it reaches a nice conclusion that puts a smile on the reader's face.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Two Women Sit at a Deserted Bar contest.
This short story is well told and has a wonderful twist at the end.
Well told. Good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the Two Women Sit at a Deserted Bar contest.
This short story is well told and has a wonderful twist at the end.
Well told. Good luck to you with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Thank you for your comments and your time. Both are very appreciated!
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
OoooOOooOOOOooo... I LIKE this. And even when I got a glimpse of where you were going, I still loved it. Loved how you handled it.
These characters were created skillfully - even in this tiny piece -- how many words was this piece, please? -- you created completely rounded 3D people we, the readers, could come to know well and cheer for. NICELY DONE.
The scene was beautfully created. We could picture it well. Earnest Hemingway says you don't have to describe the whole hotel room - if you describe the creaking, loudly-huming, air-conditioning unit near the window covered in condensation people will fill in the blanks -- and you've done that here. KUDOS!
The plot is wonderful -- not only did you give us the necessary elements required for the contest, but you gave us a beautiful, poignant tale of pathos. One coming, one going. Again, skillfully done. (There are two writers I can think of immediately who might have crafted this piece and I can't wait to see if I'm right!) --wink--
I loved the hint of foreshadowing -- when Christie's glass was sitting there just getting old and Sadie's had just been refilled. Lovely!
All in all, this is a story that is practically perfect in every way - just like Mary Poppins! If I could give it a Ten, I happily would. *smile*
I wish it was a few words less, I know a contest it would WIN. But that contest only takes 750 words or less. --sigh-- The Writer's Digest Short Short Contest comes to mind, though. You might look into that one.
I'll think of others. Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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Dear Mystery Writer,
OoooOOooOOOOooo... I LIKE this. And even when I got a glimpse of where you were going, I still loved it. Loved how you handled it.
These characters were created skillfully - even in this tiny piece -- how many words was this piece, please? -- you created completely rounded 3D people we, the readers, could come to know well and cheer for. NICELY DONE.
The scene was beautfully created. We could picture it well. Earnest Hemingway says you don't have to describe the whole hotel room - if you describe the creaking, loudly-huming, air-conditioning unit near the window covered in condensation people will fill in the blanks -- and you've done that here. KUDOS!
The plot is wonderful -- not only did you give us the necessary elements required for the contest, but you gave us a beautiful, poignant tale of pathos. One coming, one going. Again, skillfully done. (There are two writers I can think of immediately who might have crafted this piece and I can't wait to see if I'm right!) --wink--
I loved the hint of foreshadowing -- when Christie's glass was sitting there just getting old and Sadie's had just been refilled. Lovely!
All in all, this is a story that is practically perfect in every way - just like Mary Poppins! If I could give it a Ten, I happily would. *smile*
I wish it was a few words less, I know a contest it would WIN. But that contest only takes 750 words or less. --sigh-- The Writer's Digest Short Short Contest comes to mind, though. You might look into that one.
I'll think of others. Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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Thanx so much for the awesome review, Robyn -- I'm so very glad you enjoyed this one, my friend -- hadn't written a good short story in a while and when I was done, I was like: yeah, that felt good... bring on another challenge - LOL!l :) :) And, yeah, no where near 750... this one's 2400 (okay 2389)... but, as with all of my 'prose pennings' I just start and go til the idea's done. If I do have a word limit, then I do pay attention and curve (or shall we say 'curb'!) my ideas accordingly, but I actually prefer to write out my whole idea. :) :) :) Thanx so much for those awesome stars and have an even more awesome week ahead! ;) :) Yvette
P.S. Have entered more contests than I can count (not kidding... A LOT!!) but am now out of money. Although I used to think otherwise, this is officially a hobby to fill time... :) ;) :) Take care, my friend. :)
Comment from May 1
Your descriptions are so awesome, I loved reading them. I love how subtly you reveal that the chair is empty. :) I can hope but wonder how strange that all looked to the patrons and Donal. Wow, that ending gave me the chills, I loved it.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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Your descriptions are so awesome, I loved reading them. I love how subtly you reveal that the chair is empty. :) I can hope but wonder how strange that all looked to the patrons and Donal. Wow, that ending gave me the chills, I loved it.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2020
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Well, May, I have to say, you are now fully 'baptized' into the world of my crazy blonde imaginings.... ya just never know where a story or book is gonna lead, yeah?!! :) :) LOL! ;) I'm so very glad you enjoyed this one, my friend -- hadn't written a good short story in a while and when I was done, I was like: yeah, that felt good... bring on another challenge - LOL!l :) :) Thanx so much for those awesome stars and have an even more awesome upcoming week! ;) :) Yvette
Comment from royowen
I don't think quite expected the night to pan out quite the way she thought, as the lady Christie vanished at a most propitious time, and Christie had the the same last name as Carl. The voice of Christie tells her to look after him. An excellent story my friend, just the right amount of ambiguity and and suggestion for the reader to enjoy inferred liaison. Well done, an excellent build up, and a great conclusion, make it a good story, well done, good entry great characters, and plot, and good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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I don't think quite expected the night to pan out quite the way she thought, as the lady Christie vanished at a most propitious time, and Christie had the the same last name as Carl. The voice of Christie tells her to look after him. An excellent story my friend, just the right amount of ambiguity and and suggestion for the reader to enjoy inferred liaison. Well done, an excellent build up, and a great conclusion, make it a good story, well done, good entry great characters, and plot, and good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Thank you so very much for your time in reviewing- you are appreciated!
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Well done
Comment from Eve Vasa
Hello, this is a good story in need of a wee bit of help. I can visualize your great characters, and your grip on grammar is 'good', but not excellent. But you are a very confident writer, and there's a lot to be said for that.
You do have grammar edits like this one:
"Tell ye what, Miss." (Needs a question mark. Little stuff that 'grammarly', or a similar program, will weed out for you. Why do it yourself when you can get someone to do it for you, I've lived by that rule, a motto those around me don't always appreciate, lol :) So another careful read for those.
And I so enjoyed the 'up close and personal' feel to your writing.
You also have a couple of style issues, but don't underestimate 'style'.
One of them is called parallelism, and here's an example:
The entire room shook with a loud clap of thunder as the sound of rain began pounding outside.
Basically, it means you're tell us the room is shaking before the event that is making it shake, lol, bear with me. Instead, try:
Rain pounded and the rooms shook with the clap of thunder. (I would keep it simpler, like the above. But that doesn't mean you can't have other opportunities to be descriptive. Writing simply brings another aspect to writing prose, and I'll get to that now by using your first paragraph, which is the most important one as it has to capture your audience, and every manuscript longs to be read.
You make your writing more powerful and clear if you use the KISS thingy.
Feeling (the first few-totally unnecessary, remove, all rain starts with a few drops and the reader has lived outside and will know this.) raindrops, (Sadie looked- every time you do this you distance the reader. 'Sadie saw, Sadie looked, Sadie felt, Sadie knew, etc, etc,. The reader already presumes so much of what you are writing. Sadie looked for somewhere to kill some time before the sky fell (as the reader, I thought she was looking for somewhere to get out of the rain, so keep it that simple. (She knew-again here) it was supposed to be a 'brief thunderstorm'--aah, yes the prophetic weatherman at his finest - and she had too far to go to the next subway entrance to avoid being soaked. She had every intention of not spending Friday wet and alone. Alone was bad enough....very wordy.
You can simply state: 'Feeling raindrops, Sadie needed a dry place to dodge/cheat/escape the downpour.
You need to let Sadie speak, not you speaking and then Sadie speaking, you double up, when you keep it simple, it becomes the voice closer to Sadie and the writer disappears. I hope that makes sense, it is a hard thing to explain.
You have a love affair with 'ly' words. They can be weeds in the garden of writing prose and are to be used sparingly.
And you tag your dialogue with this style, constantly. Break it up, use a different way to tell the reader the information that colors the picture you are painting for us. Because you are using your character tags at the end of the dialogue to do this. Here's what I mean and I will show you an alternative.
'Sadie said under her breath as the man took his time getting onto the stool.' There is absolutely nothing wrong with this way of telling the reader information, but to use this way methodically when your characters speak, it becomes predictable and repetitious.
"Oh, sorry." Sadie (happily-remove) offered her hand(,) (in greeting as she (finally-remove, two in one sentence, you outdid yourself, haha) (and then)-add) found a comfortable position.
So, it would read:
"Sorry." Sadie offered her hand, and then found a comfortable position. (Or, made herself comfortable._ There are so many ways to write a sentence, you can have quite a conniption at times.
Anyway, have a nice day and have fun with this story because you have a great read happening here, it just needs a bit of tweaking. Eve.
p.s. please excuse any grammar issues in my review, I type as I think and get back to me if you edit, and I will take another peek.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Hello, this is a good story in need of a wee bit of help. I can visualize your great characters, and your grip on grammar is 'good', but not excellent. But you are a very confident writer, and there's a lot to be said for that.
You do have grammar edits like this one:
"Tell ye what, Miss." (Needs a question mark. Little stuff that 'grammarly', or a similar program, will weed out for you. Why do it yourself when you can get someone to do it for you, I've lived by that rule, a motto those around me don't always appreciate, lol :) So another careful read for those.
And I so enjoyed the 'up close and personal' feel to your writing.
You also have a couple of style issues, but don't underestimate 'style'.
One of them is called parallelism, and here's an example:
The entire room shook with a loud clap of thunder as the sound of rain began pounding outside.
Basically, it means you're tell us the room is shaking before the event that is making it shake, lol, bear with me. Instead, try:
Rain pounded and the rooms shook with the clap of thunder. (I would keep it simpler, like the above. But that doesn't mean you can't have other opportunities to be descriptive. Writing simply brings another aspect to writing prose, and I'll get to that now by using your first paragraph, which is the most important one as it has to capture your audience, and every manuscript longs to be read.
You make your writing more powerful and clear if you use the KISS thingy.
Feeling (the first few-totally unnecessary, remove, all rain starts with a few drops and the reader has lived outside and will know this.) raindrops, (Sadie looked- every time you do this you distance the reader. 'Sadie saw, Sadie looked, Sadie felt, Sadie knew, etc, etc,. The reader already presumes so much of what you are writing. Sadie looked for somewhere to kill some time before the sky fell (as the reader, I thought she was looking for somewhere to get out of the rain, so keep it that simple. (She knew-again here) it was supposed to be a 'brief thunderstorm'--aah, yes the prophetic weatherman at his finest - and she had too far to go to the next subway entrance to avoid being soaked. She had every intention of not spending Friday wet and alone. Alone was bad enough....very wordy.
You can simply state: 'Feeling raindrops, Sadie needed a dry place to dodge/cheat/escape the downpour.
You need to let Sadie speak, not you speaking and then Sadie speaking, you double up, when you keep it simple, it becomes the voice closer to Sadie and the writer disappears. I hope that makes sense, it is a hard thing to explain.
You have a love affair with 'ly' words. They can be weeds in the garden of writing prose and are to be used sparingly.
And you tag your dialogue with this style, constantly. Break it up, use a different way to tell the reader the information that colors the picture you are painting for us. Because you are using your character tags at the end of the dialogue to do this. Here's what I mean and I will show you an alternative.
'Sadie said under her breath as the man took his time getting onto the stool.' There is absolutely nothing wrong with this way of telling the reader information, but to use this way methodically when your characters speak, it becomes predictable and repetitious.
"Oh, sorry." Sadie (happily-remove) offered her hand(,) (in greeting as she (finally-remove, two in one sentence, you outdid yourself, haha) (and then)-add) found a comfortable position.
So, it would read:
"Sorry." Sadie offered her hand, and then found a comfortable position. (Or, made herself comfortable._ There are so many ways to write a sentence, you can have quite a conniption at times.
Anyway, have a nice day and have fun with this story because you have a great read happening here, it just needs a bit of tweaking. Eve.
p.s. please excuse any grammar issues in my review, I type as I think and get back to me if you edit, and I will take another peek.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Thank you so much for your time in reviewing and commenting. Both are very appreciated.
Comment from Carl DeVere
I am just loving this contest. It's like trying my best to understand women, still failing, but enjoying the attempt and the subject material provided by the female viewpoint. This was an engaging narrative well navigated. I did not think that I would be interested but read on anyway since Carl's my name. It did not make any difference of course. It would have been just as good with any name. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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I am just loving this contest. It's like trying my best to understand women, still failing, but enjoying the attempt and the subject material provided by the female viewpoint. This was an engaging narrative well navigated. I did not think that I would be interested but read on anyway since Carl's my name. It did not make any difference of course. It would have been just as good with any name. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Thank you so very much for your time in reviewing my story - you are appreciated!