Aaron's Dragons
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Preparing for Battle"An aging knight finds a clutch of dragon eggs
13 total reviews
Comment from Adelphos Vasa
I think it must have been very exhilarating to prepare for a great battle. I love fantasy writing like this and you have done a good job of painting the picture for your reader. Clearly, succinctly.
I only have one suggestion and it's a stylistic one, so no missing stars, but it is this:
Aaron found himself wishing he had their resilience.
Whenever I'm writing and I use 'had' I tend to look at it and see if I can get rid of it. lol
If I'd written the above sentence, to get rid of the 'had' I would write:
Aaron found himself wishing for their resilience.
Just a suggestion and thanks for sharing your writing, Joy
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reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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I think it must have been very exhilarating to prepare for a great battle. I love fantasy writing like this and you have done a good job of painting the picture for your reader. Clearly, succinctly.
I only have one suggestion and it's a stylistic one, so no missing stars, but it is this:
Aaron found himself wishing he had their resilience.
Whenever I'm writing and I use 'had' I tend to look at it and see if I can get rid of it. lol
If I'd written the above sentence, to get rid of the 'had' I would write:
Aaron found himself wishing for their resilience.
Just a suggestion and thanks for sharing your writing, Joy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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Thanks. That's a good idea. I'll take another look at that line.
Comment from Sallyo
This is another excellent chapter, and the dragons' slowly-revealed abilities are most entertaining.
uninclined
disinclined
Towards evening, Black flew in, blew a few flames at Red, which she heartily returned.
Towards evening, Black flew in, and blew a few flames at Red, which she heartily returned.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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This is another excellent chapter, and the dragons' slowly-revealed abilities are most entertaining.
uninclined
disinclined
Towards evening, Black flew in, blew a few flames at Red, which she heartily returned.
Towards evening, Black flew in, and blew a few flames at Red, which she heartily returned.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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Thanks for the six! And thanks for catching the mistakes. I'll fix that right away.
Comment from JudyE
This makes fascinating reading. I'm thoroughly enjoying the dragons' exploits and am looking forward to the battle. I'll be very upset if they don't win!! lol
Just a few points:
Brown had emerged from her daytime hiding place early, and was busy trying to enlarge a gopher hole. - I might have said 'had emerged early from ...'
Red had captured the mouse for the experiment, and then eaten it herself - I would delete 'and' or 'then'. I don't think both are necessary.
"I'll let Aaron tell you tell you what they've done so far - delete 'tell you'
They spent the afternoon with the dragons showing off, winning the approval of the men, and giving them hope they hadn't had this morning. - I might have said 'that morning' or 'earlier' rather than 'this morning'
Well done.
Judy
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reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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This makes fascinating reading. I'm thoroughly enjoying the dragons' exploits and am looking forward to the battle. I'll be very upset if they don't win!! lol
Just a few points:
Brown had emerged from her daytime hiding place early, and was busy trying to enlarge a gopher hole. - I might have said 'had emerged early from ...'
Red had captured the mouse for the experiment, and then eaten it herself - I would delete 'and' or 'then'. I don't think both are necessary.
"I'll let Aaron tell you tell you what they've done so far - delete 'tell you'
They spent the afternoon with the dragons showing off, winning the approval of the men, and giving them hope they hadn't had this morning. - I might have said 'that morning' or 'earlier' rather than 'this morning'
Well done.
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2019
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Thanks for catching that. I'll fix it right away.