A Debt To Pay
2,243 Words19 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a wonderful story, Monica, and very well written. The ending really threw me, what a clever twist. She gets rid of the vampires, who, as you state, aren't really happy anymore. This is a really good contest entry, well done and good luck! Sandra xx
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That was a wonderful story, Monica, and very well written. The ending really threw me, what a clever twist. She gets rid of the vampires, who, as you state, aren't really happy anymore. This is a really good contest entry, well done and good luck! Sandra xx
Comment Written 10-Dec-2019
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So Angelique is really just killing off vampires. Makes sense if they've been a problem for her. Interesting story.
I'll need to see the Riley's immediately. <-- Should be "the Rileys" with no apostrophe. It's plural, not possessive.
the truth about [whom] and what he was<-- Should be "who" and what he was. It's a subjective pronoun, as in "who he was mattered to her."
free to hire [who] you require <-- Should be "whom" you require, objective, as in "hire him, hire her."
Byron had to give the Riley's credit. <-- Should be "the Rileys" with no apostrophe. It's plural, not possessive.
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So Angelique is really just killing off vampires. Makes sense if they've been a problem for her. Interesting story.
I'll need to see the Riley's immediately. <-- Should be "the Rileys" with no apostrophe. It's plural, not possessive.
the truth about [whom] and what he was<-- Should be "who" and what he was. It's a subjective pronoun, as in "who he was mattered to her."
free to hire [who] you require <-- Should be "whom" you require, objective, as in "hire him, hire her."
Byron had to give the Riley's credit. <-- Should be "the Rileys" with no apostrophe. It's plural, not possessive.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2019
Comment from Therese Caron
What an amazing story. I could not stop reading in order to find out how it would end. Your words just flow from one paragraph to the next. He made the right decision, as his life accomplish nothing for anyone else. One tiny typo - When Byron starts to open his gift, it should say an ornate chest instead of and. Certainly not enough to ruin your story, I just thought you probably would want to correct it. Very exciting story to read, extremely well written.
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What an amazing story. I could not stop reading in order to find out how it would end. Your words just flow from one paragraph to the next. He made the right decision, as his life accomplish nothing for anyone else. One tiny typo - When Byron starts to open his gift, it should say an ornate chest instead of and. Certainly not enough to ruin your story, I just thought you probably would want to correct it. Very exciting story to read, extremely well written.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2019
Comment from Commando
A "Salute," our dear friend! Quite an "Awesome" penning. From the beginning, your story was like a magnetic force to iron, "It pulled Cathy and me in...and would not let go until the end. We enjoyed it immensely. A 2nd "Salute" for following out book "Love Long Distance!" It is an honor having an incredible writer such as yourself to express admiration for our work. As always, best wishes in life and God Bless. Respectfully with Admiration, Cathy (aka) Tootie and Bill (aka) Commando.
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A "Salute," our dear friend! Quite an "Awesome" penning. From the beginning, your story was like a magnetic force to iron, "It pulled Cathy and me in...and would not let go until the end. We enjoyed it immensely. A 2nd "Salute" for following out book "Love Long Distance!" It is an honor having an incredible writer such as yourself to express admiration for our work. As always, best wishes in life and God Bless. Respectfully with Admiration, Cathy (aka) Tootie and Bill (aka) Commando.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
Comment from JudyE
This is a great entry and what a wonderful twist you've given at the end. Good luck in the contest.
Just a few spags:
"And then," Caroline queried - question mark needed after 'then'
"And then you are transformed permanently," Angelique began to weep - replace comma with a period
"Merry Christmas," she whispered handing the impeccably wrapped parcel - comma after 'whispered'
The decorative paper and ribbon had concealed and ornate wooden chest - should be 'an ornate....'
So in taking my own life, I save many; and in taking yours I save only you - comma after 'yours'
It's been a long and tiring day and should you choose me, a last meal would be in order - comma before 'should'
He somberly watched Angelique pass through it then closed it securely behind her - delete first 'it'
Best wishes
Judy
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This is a great entry and what a wonderful twist you've given at the end. Good luck in the contest.
Just a few spags:
"And then," Caroline queried - question mark needed after 'then'
"And then you are transformed permanently," Angelique began to weep - replace comma with a period
"Merry Christmas," she whispered handing the impeccably wrapped parcel - comma after 'whispered'
The decorative paper and ribbon had concealed and ornate wooden chest - should be 'an ornate....'
So in taking my own life, I save many; and in taking yours I save only you - comma after 'yours'
It's been a long and tiring day and should you choose me, a last meal would be in order - comma before 'should'
He somberly watched Angelique pass through it then closed it securely behind her - delete first 'it'
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
Comment from aryr
Good luck in the contest. This was very well done. You captured my interest within the first paragraph and continued to do so until the end. It saddens me to know that Angelique was such a conniving little she-devil. You also provided a great narrative note.
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Good luck in the contest. This was very well done. You captured my interest within the first paragraph and continued to do so until the end. It saddens me to know that Angelique was such a conniving little she-devil. You also provided a great narrative note.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This is a very interesting story. As I have you have chosen to show the human side of vampires. This is a great contest submission. After reading your entry, I think I will sit this one out. Good luck.
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This is a very interesting story. As I have you have chosen to show the human side of vampires. This is a great contest submission. After reading your entry, I think I will sit this one out. Good luck.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
Comment from royowen
This is an original Monica, I have never read this variety of euthanising a vampire. And he did it voluntarily, only one slight, wouldn't Angelique have duty to have plastic surgery every time she disposes of a vampirical Candidate, not that it matters, an excellent tale Monica, you've really advanced so well, good luck, blessings, Roy
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reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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This is an original Monica, I have never read this variety of euthanising a vampire. And he did it voluntarily, only one slight, wouldn't Angelique have duty to have plastic surgery every time she disposes of a vampirical Candidate, not that it matters, an excellent tale Monica, you've really advanced so well, good luck, blessings, Roy
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Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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It's a good call out, Roy, and something I thought about carefully in the writing. After some prayer, it occurred to me that these creatures having lived so long have their memories altered a tad and so can see what they wish to see so she only had o be close and not entirely perfect; second thing was they so very much crave redemption even though folks always write them differently (not Stoker though for in the end of Dracula HE wants to be redeemed and freed so he can be once again with his love one day in paradise) so the thought of saving many with his own freedom is enticing. I write horror in Dean's memory but always with a lesson of faith somewhere between the lines.
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Yes Monica, it was only a subtle, that?s where writing can be so difficult, much easier to write about Christian things, or human nature. But well done, your writing is high class,
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Quite the unexpected ending to a very well-written tale. You do a wonderful job with descriptions and with character presentation. Thank you for sharing and best of luck to you in the contest. :)
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reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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Quite the unexpected ending to a very well-written tale. You do a wonderful job with descriptions and with character presentation. Thank you for sharing and best of luck to you in the contest. :)
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Comment Written 09-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2019
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Thank YOU for taking time out of your busy schedule to read and review it.
