St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "St. Louis Chapter 18 part 2"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
17 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
Very enjoyable chapter. I feel like I'm missing so much lately!! There's a lot going on and I'm trying to keep up but instead I feel like I'm going down for about the second or third time. Yikes. (Help??)
Whew. I'm sure it will get better.
Or worse.
Either way, the sun will keep shining!! Haha
The story is progressing nicely and I like the careful relationship they are developing. Each of these characters has been burnt, so they're cautious and slow ... adding to the reader's interest and helping them to cheer for the end result.
I did see a few places needing extra attention:
1.) It seems she called Sidney Parks on four different occasions on the day
--> times
--> 'occasions' sounds like events
2.) opened it, and skimmed through the phone calls."
--> no qmark at the end
3.) "I highlighted two numbers. One
--> not immediately clear who is speaking
4.) She glanced at him. "Since she regularly called his work
--> she/she
--> there's a paragraph between since you mentioned her name AND you have two (diff) shes here
5.) know he's under suspicion. That's why?" His eyes met Logan's.
--> do you really want the question mark?
6.) "Not, yet. I need to get back to the department
--> Not yet. (no comma)
7.) McKenzie in the den and (peeked) over her shoulder. He pointed
8.) After highlighting those numbers, McKenzie picked up her phone.
--> why?
9.) can reverse search them, google search them, and use...
--> can reverse search them, (Google them, or) use
10.) "I guess I'll try the google search.
--> double-check to be sure, but same as above, I think this should be capped
11.) After a few hours of work, Logan closed his laptop.
--> then the couple got a very sad phone call about Jose. He had died. Seems some friends were supposed to bring food but never did. *smile*
Thanks a bunch.
Sorry for the rating. Let me know when you edit, please. I enjoyed!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2019
   |
Barbara,
Very enjoyable chapter. I feel like I'm missing so much lately!! There's a lot going on and I'm trying to keep up but instead I feel like I'm going down for about the second or third time. Yikes. (Help??)
Whew. I'm sure it will get better.
Or worse.
Either way, the sun will keep shining!! Haha
The story is progressing nicely and I like the careful relationship they are developing. Each of these characters has been burnt, so they're cautious and slow ... adding to the reader's interest and helping them to cheer for the end result.
I did see a few places needing extra attention:
1.) It seems she called Sidney Parks on four different occasions on the day
--> times
--> 'occasions' sounds like events
2.) opened it, and skimmed through the phone calls."
--> no qmark at the end
3.) "I highlighted two numbers. One
--> not immediately clear who is speaking
4.) She glanced at him. "Since she regularly called his work
--> she/she
--> there's a paragraph between since you mentioned her name AND you have two (diff) shes here
5.) know he's under suspicion. That's why?" His eyes met Logan's.
--> do you really want the question mark?
6.) "Not, yet. I need to get back to the department
--> Not yet. (no comma)
7.) McKenzie in the den and (peeked) over her shoulder. He pointed
8.) After highlighting those numbers, McKenzie picked up her phone.
--> why?
9.) can reverse search them, google search them, and use...
--> can reverse search them, (Google them, or) use
10.) "I guess I'll try the google search.
--> double-check to be sure, but same as above, I think this should be capped
11.) After a few hours of work, Logan closed his laptop.
--> then the couple got a very sad phone call about Jose. He had died. Seems some friends were supposed to bring food but never did. *smile*
Thanks a bunch.
Sorry for the rating. Let me know when you edit, please. I enjoyed!!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2019
-
I have made the changes. I really do appreciate the help. It seems I'm a lousy editor. LOL Thank you.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Barb,
now it looks like Logan and McKenzie are getting closer to find the murderer of Megan.
I hope this search they ( Logan and McKenzie) are doing with the phone numbers will be a good clue to help solve who did the killing.
What's going on with the relationship between Mark and Mac.
Gert
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
 |
Hello Barb,
now it looks like Logan and McKenzie are getting closer to find the murderer of Megan.
I hope this search they ( Logan and McKenzie) are doing with the phone numbers will be a good clue to help solve who did the killing.
What's going on with the relationship between Mark and Mac.
Gert
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
-
HMMM, I'll never tell. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
-
Okay, looks like I have to wait and find out!
Gert
Comment from SLMorrical
Your story just keeps on turning and twisting. She may not be an easy person to protect, but I think that's something that makes her interesting to Logan. I think Logan is learning more about his sister. I don't think he knew her as well as he thought. I do hope the Google search pays off and gives them a clue as who to investigate more. Well written, is easy to follow. Well done.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
|
Your story just keeps on turning and twisting. She may not be an easy person to protect, but I think that's something that makes her interesting to Logan. I think Logan is learning more about his sister. I don't think he knew her as well as he thought. I do hope the Google search pays off and gives them a clue as who to investigate more. Well written, is easy to follow. Well done.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sankey
Another very interesting read. I always look forward to the end of your week and beginning of mine. Just one tiny spag, typical American thing of adding "o's" Ulla did it today too.who they belong to[o]."
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
|
Another very interesting read. I always look forward to the end of your week and beginning of mine. Just one tiny spag, typical American thing of adding "o's" Ulla did it today too.who they belong to[o]."
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
-
We just enjoy typing. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, yes, romance is definitely in the air. They are very attracted to each other. They work well together and are getting closer. Only found a minor thing:
"Not, yet. I need to get back to department. = to the department.
All best. Ulla xx
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
|
Hi Barbara, yes, romance is definitely in the air. They are very attracted to each other. They work well together and are getting closer. Only found a minor thing:
"Not, yet. I need to get back to department. = to the department.
All best. Ulla xx
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
-
Those little words are going to be the death of me. LOL I appreciate the catch. I have fixed it. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Tootie
Hi Barbara. Your writing flows well and keeps a good pace. Great dialogue with action within it that puts the reader into the scene and easily visualizing what is happening. We enjoyed reading this. A "SALUTE!" We are thrilled and appreciative that you, an awesome writer on FanStory, is following our co-authored book, "Love Long Distance." Thank you! God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Bill & Cathy
(Command & Tootie)
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
|
Hi Barbara. Your writing flows well and keeps a good pace. Great dialogue with action within it that puts the reader into the scene and easily visualizing what is happening. We enjoyed reading this. A "SALUTE!" We are thrilled and appreciative that you, an awesome writer on FanStory, is following our co-authored book, "Love Long Distance." Thank you! God Bless.
Respectfully with Admiration,
Bill & Cathy
(Command & Tootie)
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
-
Thank you for the encouraging review. Please, I love the story you both are writing.
Comment from royowen
I think they're definitely in love, they are certainly showing signs of it. Mitch drops by with some information about elongated conversations with Sydney Parks, particularly on the days she was murdered, later they are going to Jose's place to get more information about phone calls etc. well done Barbara, excellent job, blessings Roy
Typo : I'll (have) to check them out.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
|
I think they're definitely in love, they are certainly showing signs of it. Mitch drops by with some information about elongated conversations with Sydney Parks, particularly on the days she was murdered, later they are going to Jose's place to get more information about phone calls etc. well done Barbara, excellent job, blessings Roy
Typo : I'll (have) to check them out.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
-
I have made that correction. Thank you for the kind review.
-
Welcome
