Comment from Gert sherwood

Excellent

Hello Cindy Warren

Smiles to you Cindy I like your new character (Duane.) if that his name. I see that are it four or five dargons that have hatched and Red is behaving.
Now to refresh my memory was Red a female or male?

Now to wait for the purple egg to hatch.

Gert

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019

Thanks. Red is a female. The kid's name, obviously, is not Duane. He has his reasons for being reluctant to give his real name.

reply by Gert sherwood on 06-Oct-2019

You are welcome Cindy Warren
Thank you for answering my questions.
Gert

Comment from Richard Van Kirk

Excellent

I really like your story. However, it does not flow easily. Some of it is hard to follow. As Aaron approached the lake he "heard a commotion in the water." When he got closer there were four men chasing a 10-year-old boy. Were they chasing him in the water? In my mind, a "commotion in the water," means splashing, swimming, waves, that kind of stuff. You write: "He had not found deer. He'd ridden up on four men...." This should be rewritten. "He had not found deer," is passive language and makes your writing weak. You wrote "up on," however, this should be one word "upon," or use other words to describe the action. I would love to see the horse more intelligent than the dragons, but that's just me!

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019

Thanks for taking the time to read and review. I'll have to take another look at some of those lines.

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

I enjoyed your chapter, Cindy. I really like the addition of Duane--how he came into the story and what he will add to it later. Your lines read smoothly with great detail. The dialogue flows nicely, too. Thanks for sharing. Respectfully with Love, Jan

~~~near the end:

Tired and full, Aaron was ready for bed.

 Comment Written 06-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019

Thanks. Glad you like the new character. I was getting tired of having Aaron talk to his horse!

Comment from Sallyo

Excellent

Another ingredient for the story! You sure know how to keep up the interest and things are building nicely.

Aaron found a pan and threw the deer meat in.

This came out of the blue. He hadn't found a deer... Did he store some of the last one in the cellar? (That's the trouble with reading with days between...) And later he mentions "the woman". I'd expect Duane to query that.

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 Comment Written 06-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019

Thanks. Yes, he has a deer. In a previous chapter he put it in the root cellar. I guess I could make that more clear. I can't expect readers to remember all the details of previous chapters.

reply by Sallyo on 06-Oct-2019

It wouldn't be a problem if reading heel and toe:-)

Comment from juliaSjames

Excellent

One good deed deserves another. Aaron saves an anonymous boy and thereby acquires a useful helper.

Only noticed one oversight and one grammatical issue in your well written chapter.


"The water dragon approached slowly and climbed into Aaron's lap, looking him over."

I think you meant to write, "The mountain dragon ..."

And "looking him over" could apply to Aaron as well as Duane. Suggest you specify.

Blessings Julia

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 Comment Written 06-Oct-2019

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reply by the author on 06-Oct-2019

oops, you're right. Thanks for catching that. I'll fix it right now.