Fortune Cookies
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Nightmare"A Romantic, Superhero-like, Geek Horror story.
13 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for identifying the intriguing picture. I was drawn into your chapter by your vivid descriptions and appeal to our sense of sound. Your "prey" and "schoolboy" similes were quite effective, and I too was "oblivious to the potential danger"! Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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Thank you for identifying the intriguing picture. I was drawn into your chapter by your vivid descriptions and appeal to our sense of sound. Your "prey" and "schoolboy" similes were quite effective, and I too was "oblivious to the potential danger"! Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 08-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2019
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Thank you! Your review means a lot to me. It?s not poetic. However, your feedback builds my confidence in positive ways. :) God Bless and again thank you for your kindness.
-Euell
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Actually, I found your writing quite poetic. Keep up the splendid work- Joan
Comment from Alex Rosel
I haven't read the previous chapters, so I come to this cold. The narrative flows well. It's a pleasant read.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
...neither the dim light of the early morning, nor the ceiling lights above, can[not] explain the shadow's efficiency that moves as if possessed - spag? Double negative.
...when a magnitude 6.9 earthquake froze the world of sports. -- I love this clause. It's attitude hones in on what's important to the narrator :)
The silence gives way to the rusted hinges squeaking open -- a familiar horror/supernatural trope. You're leaving the reader little room for doubt :)
...as the sound of his heart slows to a calm wonder driven by excitement, rather than with fear -- Is a slowing heart indicative of excitement?
As their gaze connects, she feels... salvation -- A good chapter finish to entice the reader to turn the page :)
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
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I haven't read the previous chapters, so I come to this cold. The narrative flows well. It's a pleasant read.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
...neither the dim light of the early morning, nor the ceiling lights above, can[not] explain the shadow's efficiency that moves as if possessed - spag? Double negative.
...when a magnitude 6.9 earthquake froze the world of sports. -- I love this clause. It's attitude hones in on what's important to the narrator :)
The silence gives way to the rusted hinges squeaking open -- a familiar horror/supernatural trope. You're leaving the reader little room for doubt :)
...as the sound of his heart slows to a calm wonder driven by excitement, rather than with fear -- Is a slowing heart indicative of excitement?
As their gaze connects, she feels... salvation -- A good chapter finish to entice the reader to turn the page :)
Comment Written 21-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
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Thank you. I appreciate catching those grammar issues. My writing is on the amateur level and grammar isn?t my strong point. Hope you are able to read the other chapters. Thank you again!
Comment from lyenochka
Interesting! Who is this ghost-like girl? And how is it that she has chosen El to save her - and from what? I like that El isn't afraid and seems to welcome this apparition.
Suggestions/Comments:
"thick black hair soo dark that " (so?)
"his visitor is a girl, El," (comma after girl should be a period.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
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Interesting! Who is this ghost-like girl? And how is it that she has chosen El to save her - and from what? I like that El isn't afraid and seems to welcome this apparition.
Suggestions/Comments:
"thick black hair soo dark that " (so?)
"his visitor is a girl, El," (comma after girl should be a period.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-May-2019
reply by the author on 21-May-2019
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Hi, Helen. Thank you for your review :)
Honestly, the girl is still a mystery to me as well. I?ve been doing research regarding the apparition and creating that validity of her existence. At this point of my story, El isn?t accepting her as real, nor a ghost; but as a bad dream.
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I like the new layer of mystery you're adding to the book. Blessings to you and yours!
