St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "St. Louis Chapter 5 part 1"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
18 total reviews
Comment from royowen
So things are going well with Mack-concerning the relationship developing with Logan. Logan's friend Simon turns up and says Mack was given the rape drug GHB, it was a large amount of the home made variety. Simon invites them both for tea on Sunday. Well done Barbara, blessings Roy
Typo : He picked up his bag and went(,) (headed) down the stairs, heading? 2: I don't want (to) risk getting dirty. 3: way more than a normal (doze) in her. Dose? 4 I know first()hand how persistent he can be.
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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So things are going well with Mack-concerning the relationship developing with Logan. Logan's friend Simon turns up and says Mack was given the rape drug GHB, it was a large amount of the home made variety. Simon invites them both for tea on Sunday. Well done Barbara, blessings Roy
Typo : He picked up his bag and went(,) (headed) down the stairs, heading? 2: I don't want (to) risk getting dirty. 3: way more than a normal (doze) in her. Dose? 4 I know first()hand how persistent he can be.
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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I made the corrections thank you for the catches.
Comment from rama devi
Glad you're doing well after the surgery. Sending healing thoughts for a speedy recovery. I've been less active here on FS but have a cold today so I am playing here instead of my 'professional editing' pending, since I can't do that well with a foggy brain. But your prose is so easy to read, dear, and needs very little feedback. As usual, even though I do not read all chapters, I have no problem getting drawn in to the scene and getting a sense of the characters and plot. Super!
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"I did, but got tired of it.
No comma, grammatically, but it is alright to use it for dialog, though a dash might give a longer pause.
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McKenzie watched Edger coming toward her, holding his leash in his mouth.
comma is optional here...suggest trimming it for flow.
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"Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays' mornings I go to a class and work on JKD and weights afterward."
How come Friday has an 's'?
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When Arlo barked,(no , since WHEN acts on the next verb too) and she heard knocking on the door, she stood.
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"She was, and it was GHB. She had way more than a normal doze(dose) in her, and it was the homemade variety.
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Logan was silent as he ran his hand through his hair.
Best to avoid using WAS if you can find a better verb. How about: Logan stayed silent...
As usual, great pacing and true to life dialog.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Glad you're doing well after the surgery. Sending healing thoughts for a speedy recovery. I've been less active here on FS but have a cold today so I am playing here instead of my 'professional editing' pending, since I can't do that well with a foggy brain. But your prose is so easy to read, dear, and needs very little feedback. As usual, even though I do not read all chapters, I have no problem getting drawn in to the scene and getting a sense of the characters and plot. Super!
*
"I did, but got tired of it.
No comma, grammatically, but it is alright to use it for dialog, though a dash might give a longer pause.
*
McKenzie watched Edger coming toward her, holding his leash in his mouth.
comma is optional here...suggest trimming it for flow.
*
"Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays' mornings I go to a class and work on JKD and weights afterward."
How come Friday has an 's'?
*
When Arlo barked,(no , since WHEN acts on the next verb too) and she heard knocking on the door, she stood.
*
"She was, and it was GHB. She had way more than a normal doze(dose) in her, and it was the homemade variety.
*
Logan was silent as he ran his hand through his hair.
Best to avoid using WAS if you can find a better verb. How about: Logan stayed silent...
As usual, great pacing and true to life dialog.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Thank you, I've made the corrections.
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😀😀😀
Comment from Ulla
Hi Babara, I'm so sorry about your problems with the gallbladder. You must have been in such pain. I'm glad you're almost back to normal. So someone is trying to kill Mac? Well, he's rattled alright, but he's also hiding something. Is romance brewing between Logan and max? All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Hi Babara, I'm so sorry about your problems with the gallbladder. You must have been in such pain. I'm glad you're almost back to normal. So someone is trying to kill Mac? Well, he's rattled alright, but he's also hiding something. Is romance brewing between Logan and max? All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good episode. Someone's trying to killl Mac. Is that why her sister was killed? A mistake, trying to get to Mac? Or was it intentional, to scare Mac? Must be someone she caught in her line of work, but she doesn't have anyone in mind. Well, Logan and Edgar can protect her but not forever. They will have to find the killer and see what this is all about.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Good episode. Someone's trying to killl Mac. Is that why her sister was killed? A mistake, trying to get to Mac? Or was it intentional, to scare Mac? Must be someone she caught in her line of work, but she doesn't have anyone in mind. Well, Logan and Edgar can protect her but not forever. They will have to find the killer and see what this is all about.
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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It's Logan's sister that was killed. That's why he's there. Thank you for the kind review.
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Oh, I had that backwards. Then all the more reason to ask why someone wants to kill Mac!
Comment from SLMorrical
A wonderful edition to the book. An interesting chapter that ties up some ends. It is now known that Mac was drugged and heavily. The relationship between Mac and Logan is developing, but has the feeling of an already in place relationship. I wonder what Mac is hiding. I see that Logan is also wondering. The dialogue is great and I can see and feel the interaction between this characters. I look forward to the next chapter. I want to know what Mac is hiding and if her being drugged is because of a case or because of Logan's sister's case. This flows well. Very good.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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A wonderful edition to the book. An interesting chapter that ties up some ends. It is now known that Mac was drugged and heavily. The relationship between Mac and Logan is developing, but has the feeling of an already in place relationship. I wonder what Mac is hiding. I see that Logan is also wondering. The dialogue is great and I can see and feel the interaction between this characters. I look forward to the next chapter. I want to know what Mac is hiding and if her being drugged is because of a case or because of Logan's sister's case. This flows well. Very good.
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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We'll have to wait and see. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from 24chas
Sorry to hear about your ER visit. Glad you're on the mend and back home. This was a good chapter. Logan and Mac seem to be growing closer and him getting the key is going to be a good thing. Can't wait for the next chapter. Feel well and take care, Barbara.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Sorry to hear about your ER visit. Glad you're on the mend and back home. This was a good chapter. Logan and Mac seem to be growing closer and him getting the key is going to be a good thing. Can't wait for the next chapter. Feel well and take care, Barbara.
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Thank you for the well wishes and the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
Well, it seems Mac is rattled all right after all. Giving a key to someone she barely knows doesn't strike me as a god idea though. BUt we know he's okay.
McKenzie's eyebrows crunched together. - I have to admit I'm not sold on eyebrows crunching.
I thought you needed to go back to work, soon. - don't think you need the comma here.
and Fridays' mornings - just Friday here.
his bag and went headed the stairs.
- need to edit this.
After showering Logan walked up to McKenzie- perhaps a comma after showering.
. I think I'll get farther without you.- in this instance further may work better. Farther is usually the preserve for physical distance.
The later I get there the better any way." - maybe use the single word for anyway here.
"I just can't convenience him. - should that be convince?
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reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Hi Barbara,
Well, it seems Mac is rattled all right after all. Giving a key to someone she barely knows doesn't strike me as a god idea though. BUt we know he's okay.
McKenzie's eyebrows crunched together. - I have to admit I'm not sold on eyebrows crunching.
I thought you needed to go back to work, soon. - don't think you need the comma here.
and Fridays' mornings - just Friday here.
his bag and went headed the stairs.
- need to edit this.
After showering Logan walked up to McKenzie- perhaps a comma after showering.
. I think I'll get farther without you.- in this instance further may work better. Farther is usually the preserve for physical distance.
The later I get there the better any way." - maybe use the single word for anyway here.
"I just can't convenience him. - should that be convince?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 09-May-2019
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Thank you for the help. I have made the corrections.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Another very good chapter. It's full of tension and anticipation on my part to see what is going to happen between those two. Good job as always. Have a great day. Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Another very good chapter. It's full of tension and anticipation on my part to see what is going to happen between those two. Good job as always. Have a great day. Shirley
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2019
reply by the author on 07-May-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
