The Woman Inside the Girl
Changing values over time12 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Time travel is real only in our dreams. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery. Good luck in your contest.
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reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Time travel is real only in our dreams. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery. Good luck in your contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Thanks so very much.
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You're welcome.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a darn good entry for the competition. the voice and deep point of view in the piece gives a very engaging tone to it. It all works, which can be a problem in these kind of things. lol
A few bits & pieces, mainly typos I think-
and I. a participant in a grand experiment, - comma rather than full stop following I. (or nothing)
scalp like rusty stainless steel wire, Cigarette smoke - don't think you need the capitalisation here.
disappearing into thee crevices - the rather than thee.
"I don't believe in ghosts," I tried to say, but no sound came from my lips." - delete the speech marks from the end.
My voice, low and raspy, was unrecognizable, - should end with a full stop here rather than comma.
and as searing jolt of pain in my back - a searing.
"Rent. You still owe me for last month. You better have my money," - full stop needed at the end rather than the comma.
"Tomorrow," I said, slamming the door closed - end punctuation needed here.
trapped in the old crone's body/ "Something strange is happening to me." - incorrect punctuation here.
"I look beautiful. It
S all I ever wanted--to be a bride."- I think you hit the return here after It when it should be It's.
question."Did you?" She asked again - insert a space before the dialogue kicks in, and the following tag should probably be lower case.
of my life, live his dreams, accept he values and - his values.
"You know, "I said as the girl left - spacing at the end of the dialogue.
All the best
G
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
 |
Hi there,
This is a darn good entry for the competition. the voice and deep point of view in the piece gives a very engaging tone to it. It all works, which can be a problem in these kind of things. lol
A few bits & pieces, mainly typos I think-
and I. a participant in a grand experiment, - comma rather than full stop following I. (or nothing)
scalp like rusty stainless steel wire, Cigarette smoke - don't think you need the capitalisation here.
disappearing into thee crevices - the rather than thee.
"I don't believe in ghosts," I tried to say, but no sound came from my lips." - delete the speech marks from the end.
My voice, low and raspy, was unrecognizable, - should end with a full stop here rather than comma.
and as searing jolt of pain in my back - a searing.
"Rent. You still owe me for last month. You better have my money," - full stop needed at the end rather than the comma.
"Tomorrow," I said, slamming the door closed - end punctuation needed here.
trapped in the old crone's body/ "Something strange is happening to me." - incorrect punctuation here.
"I look beautiful. It
S all I ever wanted--to be a bride."- I think you hit the return here after It when it should be It's.
question."Did you?" She asked again - insert a space before the dialogue kicks in, and the following tag should probably be lower case.
of my life, live his dreams, accept he values and - his values.
"You know, "I said as the girl left - spacing at the end of the dialogue.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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I wish...My errors annoy me to no end, but I can't thank you enough for your help.
