Metaphorical Seas
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Late Autumn Afternoon"a series of blank impressions
25 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
Personally, I can't see why you consider this needs differen punctuation "because it is poetry". There are several places where different punctuation would alter the meaning but i don't think that is what you want to do. I am tempted to say, "This certainly ain't broke, so it don't need no fixin'!" I fact it is a rather splendid piece of blank verse (in faultless iambic pentameter of course).
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Personally, I can't see why you consider this needs differen punctuation "because it is poetry". There are several places where different punctuation would alter the meaning but i don't think that is what you want to do. I am tempted to say, "This certainly ain't broke, so it don't need no fixin'!" I fact it is a rather splendid piece of blank verse (in faultless iambic pentameter of course).
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello to you.
I am extremely grateful for your encouraging review.
All I ever see is flaws - and I am forever in revision! I don't want a different punctuation, as such, my 'style' (if I have one) is to try to write so that the piece plays out as prose or as poetry, so the punctuation should be the same either way. But I lack confidence if I am honest: and your review is even more welcome for that.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
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You are weelcome. Glad it helped.
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
"Late Autumn Afternoon" is an extremely well-written and deftly descriptive piece. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. You KEEP WRITING and I'll KEEP READING. I look forward to seeing your next post.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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"Late Autumn Afternoon" is an extremely well-written and deftly descriptive piece. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. You KEEP WRITING and I'll KEEP READING. I look forward to seeing your next post.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello again Duchess
I am very grateful for your time and your words of encouragement.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
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Hello Phill, as always you're very welcome.
Take care and God bless,
the Duchess
Comment from Lady Jane
Third line has the word through twice. Try revising it without one of them. Possibly like this:
(Remove the word it)
A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake
Slithers through the grassland floor, over the cleft
Between the hills summer burned away - again, just a thought a a possible revision :)
Also, I think in the last paragraph, the line might read a bit less choppy if your write it as:
And coddled, (removing the first comma) seeds content themselves to dream.
Simple fixes so I'm giving this a five star. The insane amount of imagery and description is breathtaking. I enjoyed reading this walk through a Fall afternoon...my favorite time of year and you've captured it so well. Thanks for sharing.
Janelle
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Third line has the word through twice. Try revising it without one of them. Possibly like this:
(Remove the word it)
A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake
Slithers through the grassland floor, over the cleft
Between the hills summer burned away - again, just a thought a a possible revision :)
Also, I think in the last paragraph, the line might read a bit less choppy if your write it as:
And coddled, (removing the first comma) seeds content themselves to dream.
Simple fixes so I'm giving this a five star. The insane amount of imagery and description is breathtaking. I enjoyed reading this walk through a Fall afternoon...my favorite time of year and you've captured it so well. Thanks for sharing.
Janelle
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello JaCherie
I thank you for your time and the encouraging review. Thank you also for the direction on certain points (I have taken on your suggested amendment to the punctuation.)
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from Boogienights
The way you describe the landscapes and surroundings is amazing. I can picture every leaf and tree as if I had been there myself. You have a way of painting a picture in the mind that takes you away to another place, truly you are very talented. Thank you so much for this vision.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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The way you describe the landscapes and surroundings is amazing. I can picture every leaf and tree as if I had been there myself. You have a way of painting a picture in the mind that takes you away to another place, truly you are very talented. Thank you so much for this vision.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Boogie...
Thank you for your time and the encouraging review. I wish it was the consequence of talent, but what appears as 'craft' is in fact just 'graft' and I am sure we can all learn from each other endlessly.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from kiwijenny
At noon the season's slanted sun defines
a cider-yellow road with ashen banks.
A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake
it slithers through the grasslands, through the cleft
between the hills which summer burned away.
Nearby, below a span of whittled trees,
the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance
where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound
to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth
or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts.
I love your word choices... dun dark bark....I love alliteration...slumbered snake slithers...
Well penned
God bless
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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At noon the season's slanted sun defines
a cider-yellow road with ashen banks.
A rutted bevel, like a slumbered snake
it slithers through the grasslands, through the cleft
between the hills which summer burned away.
Nearby, below a span of whittled trees,
the leaves conduct a dry and hobbled dance
where husks corrode; their ripened spoils unbound
to burrow in the wealth of rotted earth
or snag upon the tangled manes of beasts.
I love your word choices... dun dark bark....I love alliteration...slumbered snake slithers...
Well penned
God bless
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Kiwijenny
I thank you for your time and the positive review.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Phill, I enjoyed your poem. It is very descriptive and full of lovely imagery that was expressed so beautifully. I saw no errors and thanks for sharing our writing, Ana.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Phill, I enjoyed your poem. It is very descriptive and full of lovely imagery that was expressed so beautifully. I saw no errors and thanks for sharing our writing, Ana.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Ana
I am really appreciative of both your time and your positive review.
All I ever see are the flaws...
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written poem to describe the scene of a late autumn.afyernoon. The image was in.my.mind as the lines flow from.top.to.bottom. To my.limited knowledge I could not spot any spags.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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A very well-written poem to describe the scene of a late autumn.afyernoon. The image was in.my.mind as the lines flow from.top.to.bottom. To my.limited knowledge I could not spot any spags.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
Hallo Sandra
Baie dankie vir jou positiewe woorde.
Ek wens u baie geluk met u eie skryfwerk
cheers
phill
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Hallo Phil
Ek het jou amper verstik in my kos en byna van die stoel afgeval. Dit is nie elke dag dat iemand my in Afrikaans antwoord op FanStory nie.
Baie dankie vir jou goeie sense en die totals verrassing.
Sandra
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dit is 'n plesier!
Comment from tfawcus
Rich, poetic language to paint the scene. I'm not sure you can create an adjective from slumber. I'd tend to keep to 'sleeping trees' rather than slumbered
The iambic rhythm is good and you have avoided end rhymes with the exception of 'trees/trees'.
Some people might put a comma after 'which' on the two times it occurs, but I don't think it strictly necessary.
You have some good portmanteau words of the type so much favoured by Gerard Manley Hopkins.
Six stars for the intensity of atmosphere created by your use of language.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Rich, poetic language to paint the scene. I'm not sure you can create an adjective from slumber. I'd tend to keep to 'sleeping trees' rather than slumbered
The iambic rhythm is good and you have avoided end rhymes with the exception of 'trees/trees'.
Some people might put a comma after 'which' on the two times it occurs, but I don't think it strictly necessary.
You have some good portmanteau words of the type so much favoured by Gerard Manley Hopkins.
Six stars for the intensity of atmosphere created by your use of language.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Tfawcus
I am very appreciative of your kind words and encouragement.
What many mistake for 'craft' is really 'graft' and I am in a state of constant revision - I am genuinely pleased that the piece worked for you on some level.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from meeshu
what stands out first and foremost is the language and alliteration you employ in this piece. blank verse or prose are not for the weak of vocabulary. let's face it, rhymes are easy. to create poetry without them is what a six star is for in my opinion. you will notice I haven't mentioned the message. don't take this wrong but it doesn't matter. great blank verse is about stringing words together to create an image. it can be about anything. Superb, Phill...............meeshu
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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what stands out first and foremost is the language and alliteration you employ in this piece. blank verse or prose are not for the weak of vocabulary. let's face it, rhymes are easy. to create poetry without them is what a six star is for in my opinion. you will notice I haven't mentioned the message. don't take this wrong but it doesn't matter. great blank verse is about stringing words together to create an image. it can be about anything. Superb, Phill...............meeshu
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Meeshu
I am very grateful for your encouraging response.
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill
Comment from estory
There is a music to your language in this piece, a soft cadence, very mellow, that seems well suited to your theme here. The images were strong and you seemed to capture that sense of passing time, of the impending decline and death of winter, and look forward to the coming of life again in the next spring, which gives it a depth and breadth in the scope of the meaning. It is an interesting piece, modern, but also looking back to those styles of Frost and Coleridge, that make it decidedly pastoral romantic. estory
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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There is a music to your language in this piece, a soft cadence, very mellow, that seems well suited to your theme here. The images were strong and you seemed to capture that sense of passing time, of the impending decline and death of winter, and look forward to the coming of life again in the next spring, which gives it a depth and breadth in the scope of the meaning. It is an interesting piece, modern, but also looking back to those styles of Frost and Coleridge, that make it decidedly pastoral romantic. estory
Comment Written 12-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Hello Estory
I am extremely grateful to you for the time you spent on the piece and the positive review, which is much-needed encouragement as I get tangled up in the flaws and never know when I am finished (as is often said: a poem is never finished, it is only ever abandoned).
I wish you well with your own writing
cheers
phill