The Piper
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "The Piper, part 22"Young Adult Fantasy
20 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
One must always be on alert when the Fae is about causing havoc among the families. They try to get the children to leave home and try to make it their on desire instead of the Fae.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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One must always be on alert when the Fae is about causing havoc among the families. They try to get the children to leave home and try to make it their on desire instead of the Fae.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the great review.
Debi
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Smiles
Comment from Winslow
Dear WJ,
This is a fun fable and you use dialogue to good effect. It seems your main character is gregarious and will do a good job fending for himself. I think a little more descriptive scene writing would improve this piece.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Dear WJ,
This is a fun fable and you use dialogue to good effect. It seems your main character is gregarious and will do a good job fending for himself. I think a little more descriptive scene writing would improve this piece.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Hi Winslow,
Thank you for the analysis and suggestions for improvement. I appreciate you stopping by.
Debi
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Piper had to make a decision and I he seems to have decided to believe Redd-Leif. I thought maybe Redd-Lief was going to tell him he was married to his mother but they were interrupted. He is so close to meeting her how could he do anything else plus he doesn't want to desert Rupert. Good job. Nancy
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Piper had to make a decision and I he seems to have decided to believe Redd-Leif. I thought maybe Redd-Lief was going to tell him he was married to his mother but they were interrupted. He is so close to meeting her how could he do anything else plus he doesn't want to desert Rupert. Good job. Nancy
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Thank you, Nancy. I appreciate the analysis. It's good to know the message is coming through as I want.
Debi
Comment from Mastery
Hi, debi. Good to read another chapter. It contains a lot to advance your story. I am particularly taken with a lot of your good, solid images, like these:
"Piper looked into the distance as if imagining the scene. He nodded and a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth."
And: The cobbler put his hand on his chin and tapped his lip with his index finger. "Now, let's see, you wanted traveling shoes. Let me get a look at your feet."
Also: "The merchant was holding a pair of boots in the air like a prize to be awarded. "Here we are."
In my opinion you are progressing in leaps and bounds, debi. Particularly with regard to your use of images. That....coupled with using very strong verbs will continue to propel your story forward in a positive way. Bless you, Bob
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Hi, debi. Good to read another chapter. It contains a lot to advance your story. I am particularly taken with a lot of your good, solid images, like these:
"Piper looked into the distance as if imagining the scene. He nodded and a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth."
And: The cobbler put his hand on his chin and tapped his lip with his index finger. "Now, let's see, you wanted traveling shoes. Let me get a look at your feet."
Also: "The merchant was holding a pair of boots in the air like a prize to be awarded. "Here we are."
In my opinion you are progressing in leaps and bounds, debi. Particularly with regard to your use of images. That....coupled with using very strong verbs will continue to propel your story forward in a positive way. Bless you, Bob
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Hi Bob,
Thank you so much for such an encouraging review and for pointing out what you feel is working well. I appreciate you continuing to follow the story.
Debi
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It is a good story for sure, deb. I am enjoying it and I do not read too many of that genre.
Pst. I have a new chapter posted called "Trish" would you take a look? I found out that some of my fans are not getting notifications on my work. You are a fan technically right? I mean do you get notified when I post new work? Plwase let me know. Thanks, Debi. Bob
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Yes I am a fan and get notifications. I was away some of the weekend and am just getting caught up on my messages.
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Thank you, debi. :) Bob
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Big complaint coming here - these are far too sporadic! Write more, more often... lol
He took a deep breath. "As a matter of fact, I'm married to . . ."- usually the dash is used to signal an abrupt break in conversation rather than the ellipsis which signifies more of a trailing off.
jovial man with curly salt and pepper hair - I would insert a comma after curly for clarity.
The cobbler put his hand on his chin and tapped his lip with his index finger- I'm not sure you need the first part of the sentence here. Just a suggestion but tapping the lips gives the image without the hand on chin.
Very nice instalment. Burkehart bringing some seeds of doubt in here for Piper.
G
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Hi there,
Big complaint coming here - these are far too sporadic! Write more, more often... lol
He took a deep breath. "As a matter of fact, I'm married to . . ."- usually the dash is used to signal an abrupt break in conversation rather than the ellipsis which signifies more of a trailing off.
jovial man with curly salt and pepper hair - I would insert a comma after curly for clarity.
The cobbler put his hand on his chin and tapped his lip with his index finger- I'm not sure you need the first part of the sentence here. Just a suggestion but tapping the lips gives the image without the hand on chin.
Very nice instalment. Burkehart bringing some seeds of doubt in here for Piper.
G
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2018
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Hi G,
That is about the nicest complaint I've ever heard!
I could tell you about the soap opera type year I've had with members of my family in and out of the hospital and my job woes, but I think things are getting better and I can start writing more often. I started a new job on Monday and I think the family has worked out how to rotate the support so I can write more consistently now.
Here is just one of the things that happened this year--Christmas morning my parents were missing and I found a note on a napkin on their kitchen table: "Gone to hospital. AF" (AF being the initials for the nearby city of American Fork. Good thing they included those initials or I would have gone to the hospital closest to their house instead.) I had no idea which parent was ill or what the issue was so when I got the hospital I wasn't sure who to ask for. My mother was in the hospital for an entire week, but she is doing fairly well now.
Anyway, I do appreciate the continued support of this story and your helpful comments. I have made the changes you suggested. Thank you so much for your help and for sharing your expertise to help me improve.
Debi
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Excellent writing as always. You have a style that really draws the reader in, it is so natural. And I look forward to the next chapter to find out what Piper will do, but I think he will continue on with Redd-Leif. Well done.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Excellent writing as always. You have a style that really draws the reader in, it is so natural. And I look forward to the next chapter to find out what Piper will do, but I think he will continue on with Redd-Leif. Well done.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review, Roxanna. It makes me happy to hear you want to read more. Debi
Comment from rwilliam
I found myself lost in this world you've created. I feel a connection to the characters. I feel mesmerized, like I'm being tricked by the trickster...but not sure. * goosebumps :-)
You do a wonderful job of telling the story, leaving just enough suspense to keep me ' on the line'. :)
Well done. This is a really great story. It scratches my fantasy itch. LOVE IT!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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I found myself lost in this world you've created. I feel a connection to the characters. I feel mesmerized, like I'm being tricked by the trickster...but not sure. * goosebumps :-)
You do a wonderful job of telling the story, leaving just enough suspense to keep me ' on the line'. :)
Well done. This is a really great story. It scratches my fantasy itch. LOVE IT!
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for the wonderful six star rating. I aplogize for the tardy response. I started a new job this past week and am stil trying to get used to the new schedule. Be assured I enjoyed your terrific comments and the generous stars.
Debi
Comment from Cybertron1986
Your story exhibits many good qualities. It provides an excellent and clear voice to me, the reader. In addition, it also is expressed in a way that allows the reader a clear direction of where the characters are engaging within their conversation. Though this is the first chapter that I have encountered within your novel, I find it entertaining and of qualities relating to good literature
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Your story exhibits many good qualities. It provides an excellent and clear voice to me, the reader. In addition, it also is expressed in a way that allows the reader a clear direction of where the characters are engaging within their conversation. Though this is the first chapter that I have encountered within your novel, I find it entertaining and of qualities relating to good literature
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. I appreciate your analysis. Debi
Comment from Zue65
I like the subtle hint at the ending of this post. But I agree with you, enchantress but not fairies do trick their victims into entering their realm or kingdom and once a person eats the black rice offered on their sparkling golden dining table, one is lost forever in the human realm. One can never go back. In our little island where I grew up in south East Asia, there are a lot of stories about these magical beings, we call them encantado. The fairies are a different kind of enchanted breed who won't harm the humans. I enjoyed reading your story.
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reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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I like the subtle hint at the ending of this post. But I agree with you, enchantress but not fairies do trick their victims into entering their realm or kingdom and once a person eats the black rice offered on their sparkling golden dining table, one is lost forever in the human realm. One can never go back. In our little island where I grew up in south East Asia, there are a lot of stories about these magical beings, we call them encantado. The fairies are a different kind of enchanted breed who won't harm the humans. I enjoyed reading your story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging comments and for sharing your thoughts on the fairies. I am basing the fair folk in my story on the tales from medieval Europe and Scandinavia, where they often blamed the fair folk for things they could not explain, like illness, sudden death, or mental illness. Storeis of changelings were common as the fair folk were thought to snatch human children and replace them either with their own children or with enchanted wood called 'fetch" which would look like the child but gradually sicken and die since it wasn't real.
Thanks for swapping myths. I will have to look into encanto in case Piper goes traveling in a later tale.
Debi
Comment from meeshu
this such a good story with elves and gnomes and sprites. and my favorite the Fae. reminds me of Marc Bolan's "Children of Rarn". well done, W.J.......meeshu
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reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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this such a good story with elves and gnomes and sprites. and my favorite the Fae. reminds me of Marc Bolan's "Children of Rarn". well done, W.J.......meeshu
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the great review. I appreciate the encouragement.
Debi