Comment from Pantygynt

Excellent

The thing I like best about this the way you use compound adjectives like Dylan Thomas at the start of "Under Milk Wood" -- "...the sloe-black, slow black fishing-boat-bobbing sea. You have gold-flake leaves, still-green grass and autumn-shouldered trees. One feature that could perhaps be developed more forcefully is the way the final lines of each stanza act as a conclusion to, the the features within that stanza. Some of these are stronger than others. I would like to see the ends of ss2,3 and 4 strengthened to achieve as powerful effect as that in ss1, 5 and 6.

2nd Review.

A definite improvement. Suggest "They crop THE still-green grass" for rhythmic reasons and Perhaps "shuttered into city DWELLING" to avoid the repeat of life and to improve the rhythm.

The ending of S3 is brilliant, beautiful.

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

Thanks for adding to the review, much appreciated. Do you think it is done? I will keep looking at it, and hoping to read at the next open mike session at our local library.

reply by Pantygynt on 02-Jul-2018

Give it an airing at our P & P too, I should.

reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

I don't know, I may try to find a better one - based on the rather lukewarm reception this one has had.

reply by Pantygynt on 02-Jul-2018

This has some real gems in it that I have mentioned.

reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

I didn't mean you in particular, I mean in general - I got way more six star reviews for my Two Medicine poem. Go figure. I guess that one was "unique" because I was talking about the Blackfeet, but to me if it wasn't vastly better.

Comment from CD Richards

Excellent

A wonderfully expressive poem Carol, depicting what sounds like an idyllic life in Montana, if I recall correctly.

One tiny correction - "two's and three's" -- I believe the apostrophes aren't required, it should just be "twos and threes".

I used to love riding. We have horses now, but I don't ride them - that would be a bit cruel, considering they are Shetlands. They are just here for the great company they provide.

Excellent work :)

Craig

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

Oh yes, twos and threes - Robyn pointed that out too. How nice that you have Shetlands, they are so cute! I really want to get my own horse. I do ride here in California but I'm currently leasing a horse.

Thanks for your support :)
Carol

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Carol,

You know, in the Bible, when something is repeated several times, we readers decide it must be something important that God is stressing. *smile*

I felt the same way reading about 'golden leaves' you mentioned repeatedly. They must be IMPORTANT, I thought. And they certainly did help me visualize your picture/scene.

One note:
1.) heads low, in (twos) and (threes)
--> no possessives here.

Thanks so much!

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

I have a friend who is the poet laureate of Malibu - and heard him read a new poem at a recent open mike meeting. He uses repetition a lot and it is wonderful. So I was trying to use that approach here, and I also repeated things about the sky, and winter coming, etc. I think the leaves stand out the most...

I did correct the twos and threes, I am such a dunce with things like that. There were times I didn't pay attention in grade school, lol.

Since you are such a good writer, do you have any suggestions as to how I could make this poem more compelling? I'm trying to notch things up with my work, especially with free verse. Ricardo, the Malibu guy, has inspired me.

Carol

reply by robyn corum on 02-Jul-2018

haha -- never ask me a question unless you're sure you want to hear the answer. I'm afraid I am way too honest and blunt. *smile* I will share some extra thoughts with you as long as you realize this is MY take on YOUR poem and that means it's all worthless. ha! Only you know what you're wanting to achieve here - so I can make a lot of clumsy suggestions and comments, but you should be sure to ignore anything that doesn't agree with your objectives.

(And this will probably show up with a thousand extra marks from Evil Eddie! grrrr?)

Here?s what I?m seeing ?
1.) a bit of inconsistency. In some places you?re writing in more fluid, grammatical sentences and in others you are more abrupt, with abstract phrases. If you are going to do this be sure that it?s when you want to cause a certain effect:

hat tipped low
harness shouldered
boots slick with mud

vs.
they crop the still-green grass
beneath the autumn-shouldered trees

2.) I would strongly recommend punctuation in this particular piece. It will help you control the reader and how they perceive this poem. You can be in charge of the pauses and full stops (to consider things) or when you want things to flow more rapidly.

3.) In some places you use lower- case and then other places you use upper case. Without punctuation, this seems a bit random.

4.) I would try to add a bit more ?grounding? ? helping the reader EXPERIENCE these moments by using all five senses. This helps place them right THERE with you.

5.) Add more of the poetic nuances: alliteration, consonance, assonance, unexpected internal rhymes, etc.

6.) Use the hardest-working words you can. If you only have a few lines to express your message, make sure every word packs a punch. Ex. ?huge? vs ?vast?/?immense?/?magnificent?


Here?s something like what I might do:

***

I'm going out to catch that mare:

hat tipped low,
harness shouldered,
and boots slick with mahogany-tinged mud.

My determined walk crunches crisp
grass
as breaths puff out in chilly clouds.
Gold-flaked leaves rain down from
a wide-open sky filling with light.


I find them in a peaceful clearing.

Heads low. In twos
and threes
they crop the still-green turf.
Tails swish peaceful greetings;
they know me well.
Each day ? forever -
I've made this trek?
beneath the autumn-shouldered trees,
beneath a dappled-silver morning sky.

The ripe red apple in my pocket will suffice
if Savannah is stubborn,
but she's sweet today,
greeting me with a velvet nose and big doe eyes ?
and silence.
No interruptions but the gold-flaked leaves
spinning down under this expansive autumn sky.

Our icy breaths meet in silver clouds.
Our shoulders touch.
A velveteen nose
nuzzles my shoulder:
the embrace of an old friend

We'll ride today
beside the green river,
beneath the cottonwoods
and their golden trembling of leaves.

Together we?ll lean forward,
searching for the first whiff of the snow
that?s coming.

I have never
not-lived here.
I have never
not-felt this rocking ramble
of my horse by this river.

Savannah and I
are god-like today.
Sublime.
Peace drifts around us
like the leaves of
precious gold.

Sunlight pours silver as
winter stretches her wings
alongside us.

Tomorrow I?ll ride alone.

Back to a real-life,
shuttered existence in a cramped city.
I?ll dwell there--
but carry this meadow,
this horse,
these moments
when time
distilled into a perfect dream.

***

Of course, I?ve taken a LOT of liberties with your poem and I hope you?ll forgive me and still part of what I?m saying. I think the poem is BEAUTIFUL as it is, and if you do nothing at all, it?s still a wonderful capsule of this moment.

But ? this is my opinion. And I adore opportunities to offer that! *smile*

reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

I can see what you mean about punctuation - I was baffled as to how to apply it so I decided to go with minimal. But your point about how it can introduce pauses makes sense. I do have some free verse poems that I wrote with a lot more alliteration and occasional end and internal rhymes - and I liked those very much. So I could try to do that here, although I hate to rewrite the whole poem. While I wouldn't use all the particular wording that you use (mahogany for the mud - but another adjective would work well) I get the idea. I noticed a lot of question marks, but they are probably Evil Eddy and not you. So I will put in your punctuation (thanks!!) and try to work in your other suggestions. I really appreciate this. Free verse is so hard! I honestly think that it is harder than more structured forms...for me it is anyway. I might bug you to read again, after I work on it some more, and donate some FS$$ to you. Thanks, Robyn, for your honest and useful feedback. I'll probably not ever be a "great" poet but it's fun to work on it!

reply by robyn corum on 02-Jul-2018

I am just so tickled that you weren't offended!! HUZZAH! I think you are a marvelous writer, myself. You always have a totally unique perspective on things - especially nature -- that makes us all sit up straight and appreciate all the little things all over again. Don't sell yourself short, sister.

And I don't know how long you've been doing this, either, but that's what makes this soooo much stinking fun -- you NEVER feel like you're a good writer (that is, if you have the writer's heart that I think is best) because you're always trying to grow and shape your craft.

I am happy to look as often as you like. As I said, I love sharing my opinions. *smile* They aren't always right, but it's fun to toss them around. (Believe me, no one in MY household is listening.) hahahahaha

reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

Thanks Robyn. Nobody in my house pays attention to me either, lol. My husband is always going on about what a poetic person his friend Richard is, and I'm like "hello, hello! Over here!" I do appreciate your help. If people just say, oh it's so interesting, it doesn't help me get any better.

reply by robyn corum on 02-Jul-2018

Ha!! I can so relate. We should start a writer?s support group.

Comment from trumby

Excellent

I like the "cowgirl" theme that's appearing at the moment.
Did I give you the idea?
Do you work on horseback i.e. mustering cattle, checking fences or just go for a bit of a ride?
Nice bit of free verse though

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

Well, I actually wrote a rough draft of this poem a few weeks ago, but you reminded me about it and so started working on it again. I work in an office, I am a weather forecaster - but I do ride 2-3 times a week. Mostly trail rides and riding in an arena, just for fun.
Thanks for the review :))
Carol

Comment from kahpot

Excellent

What a wonderful place to drift or ride off too your words make the countryside sound so beautiful especially compared to the working life of a City, an excellent read and poem very well written****kahpot

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

Western Montana in the fall is SO gorgeous. There are tons of cottonwood trees around, and they all turn this deep bronze-gold in October. It is just stunning, and quite different from life in the L.A. area.

Thanks so much for the review,
Carol

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

Hi Carol,

I've been writing a few poems on the cowboy and rodeo theme as we head into the Calgary Stampede. So it's nice to see your, "Cowgirl Dreaming" poem :) I love the western theme and our whole city turns western for two weeks every summer for rodeo and fair grounds. It's fun. I enjoyed your poem which put me in the cowgirl mode. Yahooo!

Joy xx

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

I need to look at your poems, that sounds like a fun time in Calgary. Do you ride at all, or just enjoy the western themes?

Carol

reply by Joy Graham on 02-Jul-2018

The whole city goes western for two weeks every summer. That's a lot of fun, and we all have those western clothes stashed in our wardrobe. I enjoy watching the rodeo and always cheer for the animals lol! I'm scared of riding horses, though it's on my bucket list to go trail riding on occasion to keep on top of that fear. I guess I'm a fan that doesn't partake.

Comment from Mastery

Excellent

Hi, Carol. You are obviously very familiar with horse flesh and the ways around and about a ranch or farm. These lines in particular lend realism to an already realistic verse:

"Tails swish peaceful greeting
they know me."

Very good poetry, my friend. Bob
ps. I have posted a new chapter for my book if you are interested. Thanks, Bob

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2018

Thanks, Bob, I am so behind in my reviews but I will definitely check out your new chapter!

Carol

Comment from Mustang Patty

Excellent

Hi, Carol,

Thank you for sharing your day with your horse. Your words were comforting within your free verse poetry. How wonderful to spend the day with an old friend, doing things you like best.

~patty~

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2018

Thanks for the review, Patty :))
Carol

Comment from Alexander Vasa

Excellent

Hello Ciliverde, this is a beautiful poem full of lovely imagery and detail of your life. I am a horse lover so I appreciated the picture and the words. There is nothing quite like riding on a lovely morning. Just magic. I noticed no errors, and thank you for a great poem that has been nicely published. Cheers, Ana.

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2018

Thanks, Ana, my "real" life is in southern California at the moment, but I still get to visit Montana sometimes :))

Carol

Comment from Sandra Elizabeth Williams

Excellent

Very good, nostalgic and very expressive. The thoughts are organized and it has a nice flow.

I am able to visualize the actions/activities you described and so it feels quite real.

Thumbs up!

 Comment Written 01-Jul-2018

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reply by the author on 03-Jul-2018

Thank you! Much appreciated,
Carol

reply by Sandra Elizabeth Williams on 03-Jul-2018

You are very welcome Carol!