Was it a killing or murder?
...a brief lesson for the Prosecutor35 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
You know, I've been trying to read your work but it won't opeon Classic site. I came here just for you today. I've been reading tons of 100 word stories today, and even wrote one, too. This one is a good entry!
Compelling opening line and premise.
Excellent choice to use dialog as the primary delivery mode. Moves the pace along swiftly.
I suggest using contractions in dialog so it sounds even more true to speech. Like here:
"Intimacy, sir, intimacy. Killing is impersonal.(Killing's impersonal) Soldiers can kill the enemy because they are(they're) fighting for their country. They use guns and maybe a bayonet, but murder is(murder's) something you do up close and personal.
The most intense type of murder is by strangulation.
The most intense type of murder's by strangulation.
Good closing twist as a confession:
With my hands around her neck, I felt her pulse slow and eventually stop."
I think it would be idea to deliver this as a single line closing. you could use the extra words from tightening those conjunctions to insert a short action tag from the judge.
With all above suggestions...an example:
"You know what's the difference between killing and murder, Mr. Prosecutor?"
"No, Mr. Riley. Why don't you explain it to me?
"Intimacy, sir, intimacy. Killing's impersonal. Soldiers can kill the enemy because they're fighting for their country. They use guns and maybe a bayonet, but murder's something you do up close and personal.
"When you murder someone, you want to see the life drain out of them. You want to see their eyes go blank. The most intense type of murder's by strangulation."
The judge peered down.
" With my hands around her neck, I felt her pulse slow and eventually stop."
just a thought...
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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You know, I've been trying to read your work but it won't opeon Classic site. I came here just for you today. I've been reading tons of 100 word stories today, and even wrote one, too. This one is a good entry!
Compelling opening line and premise.
Excellent choice to use dialog as the primary delivery mode. Moves the pace along swiftly.
I suggest using contractions in dialog so it sounds even more true to speech. Like here:
"Intimacy, sir, intimacy. Killing is impersonal.(Killing's impersonal) Soldiers can kill the enemy because they are(they're) fighting for their country. They use guns and maybe a bayonet, but murder is(murder's) something you do up close and personal.
The most intense type of murder is by strangulation.
The most intense type of murder's by strangulation.
Good closing twist as a confession:
With my hands around her neck, I felt her pulse slow and eventually stop."
I think it would be idea to deliver this as a single line closing. you could use the extra words from tightening those conjunctions to insert a short action tag from the judge.
With all above suggestions...an example:
"You know what's the difference between killing and murder, Mr. Prosecutor?"
"No, Mr. Riley. Why don't you explain it to me?
"Intimacy, sir, intimacy. Killing's impersonal. Soldiers can kill the enemy because they're fighting for their country. They use guns and maybe a bayonet, but murder's something you do up close and personal.
"When you murder someone, you want to see the life drain out of them. You want to see their eyes go blank. The most intense type of murder's by strangulation."
The judge peered down.
" With my hands around her neck, I felt her pulse slow and eventually stop."
just a thought...
Good luck!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi there;
thank you for your thorough and thoughtful review. Many of my characters speak without the use of contractions. I'm not exactly sure why - but when I hear them in my head, that's how it sounds.
~patty~
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It's fine to keep them speaking that way. I was more trying to find extra words so you could give a dramatic pause before the closing line with a few words of action tag on the judge. Just a thought.
Warmly, rd
Comment from JDRBAR
Excellent comparison between murder and homicide. You succeeded nicely in creating a story with just one hundred words. Good luck with this, and welcome home.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Excellent comparison between murder and homicide. You succeeded nicely in creating a story with just one hundred words. Good luck with this, and welcome home.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi there;
thank you for the welcome home. I greatly appreciate it. I am glad you enjoyed my little story,
~patty~
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a clever short piece you've written, Patty -
it lets us into the mind of the murderer - up close and personal -
a great entry for the contest.
good luck to you, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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This is a clever short piece you've written, Patty -
it lets us into the mind of the murderer - up close and personal -
a great entry for the contest.
good luck to you, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi Margaret;
thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I had a lot of fun creating this little story,
~patty~
Comment from rjuselius
this is a chilling piece of prose dear patty! i think you have succeeded in presenting a thriller story very vividly and it is so very well written. bravo my friend!
thank you for sharing!
good luck!
blessings and a big squeeze!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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this is a chilling piece of prose dear patty! i think you have succeeded in presenting a thriller story very vividly and it is so very well written. bravo my friend!
thank you for sharing!
good luck!
blessings and a big squeeze!
rebekka x
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi Rebekka;
thank you so much for your lovely review and comments. I had a good time writing this little piece,
~patty~
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Patty,
Neat little piece you've crafted here for the competition. I'm never too sure how the committee see these things. This is well written and very atmospheric. The tone is great, but, for me, it is light in story. More of a vignette. I mean, these things are very tricky to pull off and this is amongst the best ones I've read.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi Patty,
Neat little piece you've crafted here for the competition. I'm never too sure how the committee see these things. This is well written and very atmospheric. The tone is great, but, for me, it is light in story. More of a vignette. I mean, these things are very tricky to pull off and this is amongst the best ones I've read.
All the best
G
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi G;
thank you so much for reading. I do agree with you about it being light on the story. It is tough for someone as verbose as me to make a point in 100 words. I decided to try anyway.
Hopefully, the committee is looking for something like this,
~patty~
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Good evening Patty:
Wow, what an entry for this "One Hundred Word Flash Fiction" contest. This is very imaginative, yet truthful, interesting. I really never thought about the difference between killing and murder but I am now informed so thank you for this information. This is a great post.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Good evening Patty:
Wow, what an entry for this "One Hundred Word Flash Fiction" contest. This is very imaginative, yet truthful, interesting. I really never thought about the difference between killing and murder but I am now informed so thank you for this information. This is a great post.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2017
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Hi Tier;
thank you so much for reading and for enjoying this little story. You know, I'm STILL not getting notifications about your writing. I tried to re-fan you, but I will do it again.
~patty~
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Oh because I am getting all the notifications for your posts. I will tell you which ones you missed. Maybe you should ask Tom what happened.
Comment from BOO ghost
Vivid picture and vivid words.You describe it in detail.No wonder the Boston Strangler liked to choke out helpless citizens.A shadow in the dark that has to quench its thirst. BOO's favorite words: "When you murder someone, you want to see the life drain out of them. You want to see their eyes go blank. The most intense type of murder is by strangulation. With my hands around her neck, I felt her pulse slow and eventually stop."
Image by Cool Text: Free Logos and Buttons - Create An Image Just Like This
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Vivid picture and vivid words.You describe it in detail.No wonder the Boston Strangler liked to choke out helpless citizens.A shadow in the dark that has to quench its thirst. BOO's favorite words: "When you murder someone, you want to see the life drain out of them. You want to see their eyes go blank. The most intense type of murder is by strangulation. With my hands around her neck, I felt her pulse slow and eventually stop."
Image by Cool Text: Free Logos and Buttons - Create An Image Just Like This
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Hey Boo;
thank you so much for the lovely review AND the gold ticket. Well, I'm off to get some chocolate.
~patty~
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Sounds good about now. Wish my sister would hurry home with my groceries. Oh,gunfights are coming again! have not forget. there can only be one man or woman left standing. Posted a poem,but ext chapters will be gunfights!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Very god flash fiction entry Mustangpatty1029
It sure got my attention
Asking the protector
"You know what's the difference is between killing and murder,
Gert
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Very god flash fiction entry Mustangpatty1029
It sure got my attention
Asking the protector
"You know what's the difference is between killing and murder,
Gert
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Hi Gert;
thank you so much for the lovely review and for continuing to support my work,
~patty~
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written 100 Word Flash Fiction you have penned for the contest. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery with your words and art work. I found one small nit (maybe). Check this out please -
You know what's the difference is between killing
do you think you should have said - You know (what) the difference is between killing?
Best wishes in the contest. Teri
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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This is a very well written 100 Word Flash Fiction you have penned for the contest. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery with your words and art work. I found one small nit (maybe). Check this out please -
You know what's the difference is between killing
do you think you should have said - You know (what) the difference is between killing?
Best wishes in the contest. Teri
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Hi Teri;
thank you so much for the lovely review and for catching the nit.
~patty~
Comment from apky
You gave me a description here that I'd never been aware of. This was a pretty intense one hundred word story that you did magnificently. I don't think I could ever write a complete story using only a hundred words, I'm a little too wordy, lol!
Aki xxx
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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You gave me a description here that I'd never been aware of. This was a pretty intense one hundred word story that you did magnificently. I don't think I could ever write a complete story using only a hundred words, I'm a little too wordy, lol!
Aki xxx
Comment Written 16-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2017
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Hi Aki;
thank you so much for the lovely review. I'm sure you could write a one hundred story if you put your mind to it - I think I'm pretty wordy, too.
~patty~