The Eidolon
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Darden"Family heinously murdered. The question is by who?
17 total reviews
Comment from Rasmine
Good story. I thought this was a stand alone story, though, cause there are no chapters listed. I know you haven't written any, but it doesn't say it will be a book.
Hope you are doing fine.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Good story. I thought this was a stand alone story, though, cause there are no chapters listed. I know you haven't written any, but it doesn't say it will be a book.
Hope you are doing fine.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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This was actually the introduction of the book I have started.
Glad you enjoyed this introduction.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from rama devi
Superb opening line!
This drew me right in. Excellent deep POV. Excellent truel-to-life sounding dialog. Excellent descriptive detail as well. Excellent characterization and a good intro to a longer story.
However, it needs work on pacing. Tightening and trimming is highly advised (see below), along with a clean-up of minor spag.
NOTES:
*Because of the deluge that fell around them, their windshields ran with water.
Bit wordy. suggest:
Their windshields ran with water from the deluge falling around them.
*Screaming sirens convulsed(,) and flashing blue lights illuminated the deserted motorway.
*
The bright beams of the cruisers danced off the water that covered the road.
Wordy. Consider:
The cruiser's bright beams danced off the wet road.
*
The eeriness of the puddled asphalt blazed.
Wordy and awkward in flow. Consider:
The puddled asphalt gave an eerie blaze.
or
The puddled asphalt blazed eerily.
* To him, the call he (had) received from Dispatch (had) made no sense.
*
Detective Sean Darden knew his already(-)full plate was about to explode.
*
A brutal massacre (had) occurred that gripped Portland in a state of panic.
*Much like the call he'd received over the radio, and was en route to answer, the killer claimed to have decimated his entire family.
Too wordy. The reader already knows the info. Tighten and trim. Example:
Like the radio call he was en route to answer, the killer claimed to have decimated his entire family.
*He enjoyed a good challenge(,) and this one further stretched the Detective's competency.
*The thought(s) that returned similiarities(similarities) to what happened in Portland all those years ago were too coincidental.
*
But how? For twenty unfathomable years(,) the coldblooded annihilator had been securely locked away
I further recommend inserting handful of Similes to further enhance the prose.
Otherwise, quite a good job! Very readable. Held my attention.
Trusting you'll fix spag and consider tightening, five stars in advance.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Superb opening line!
This drew me right in. Excellent deep POV. Excellent truel-to-life sounding dialog. Excellent descriptive detail as well. Excellent characterization and a good intro to a longer story.
However, it needs work on pacing. Tightening and trimming is highly advised (see below), along with a clean-up of minor spag.
NOTES:
*Because of the deluge that fell around them, their windshields ran with water.
Bit wordy. suggest:
Their windshields ran with water from the deluge falling around them.
*Screaming sirens convulsed(,) and flashing blue lights illuminated the deserted motorway.
*
The bright beams of the cruisers danced off the water that covered the road.
Wordy. Consider:
The cruiser's bright beams danced off the wet road.
*
The eeriness of the puddled asphalt blazed.
Wordy and awkward in flow. Consider:
The puddled asphalt gave an eerie blaze.
or
The puddled asphalt blazed eerily.
* To him, the call he (had) received from Dispatch (had) made no sense.
*
Detective Sean Darden knew his already(-)full plate was about to explode.
*
A brutal massacre (had) occurred that gripped Portland in a state of panic.
*Much like the call he'd received over the radio, and was en route to answer, the killer claimed to have decimated his entire family.
Too wordy. The reader already knows the info. Tighten and trim. Example:
Like the radio call he was en route to answer, the killer claimed to have decimated his entire family.
*He enjoyed a good challenge(,) and this one further stretched the Detective's competency.
*The thought(s) that returned similiarities(similarities) to what happened in Portland all those years ago were too coincidental.
*
But how? For twenty unfathomable years(,) the coldblooded annihilator had been securely locked away
I further recommend inserting handful of Similes to further enhance the prose.
Otherwise, quite a good job! Very readable. Held my attention.
Trusting you'll fix spag and consider tightening, five stars in advance.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Noted, done, and appreciated.
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:-)))
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Appreciate the editing. Would have recommended you for the Reviewer of the Month, but, when I tried to, the system reminded me I already have for this month. Again, many thanks!
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Thanks for the thought! I do recall you'd already done that. Much appreciated. Warmly, rd
Comment from pome lover
wow. This has all the requirements for a good chapter: starts off with a grabber, gives some back story, building suspense and tension, then ends, leaving the reader hanging. What next?
Now, questions: when you said the murderer turned out to be someone very close to him. Him, who? Darden?
question two: IF it's the same person who, as a boy killed his whole family, then he's been out long enough to have a fam of his own to kill? I know you can't answer that one, because it'd give away the story, so will just have to wait.
very good.
pome lover
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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wow. This has all the requirements for a good chapter: starts off with a grabber, gives some back story, building suspense and tension, then ends, leaving the reader hanging. What next?
Now, questions: when you said the murderer turned out to be someone very close to him. Him, who? Darden?
question two: IF it's the same person who, as a boy killed his whole family, then he's been out long enough to have a fam of his own to kill? I know you can't answer that one, because it'd give away the story, so will just have to wait.
very good.
pome lover
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Yes, Darden.
Glad you enjoyed this introduction.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh great finally another writing that will lead us on in anticipation. No problems noted and a very intriguing start to a well looked for story
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Oh great finally another writing that will lead us on in anticipation. No problems noted and a very intriguing start to a well looked for story
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this posting.
As always, appreciate your comments, support, and the review.
Comment from doggymad
At last I have arrived at the start of a story. This has all the makings of a good read.
I look forward to see where this one goes in particular from the point of view of the detective.
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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At last I have arrived at the start of a story. This has all the makings of a good read.
I look forward to see where this one goes in particular from the point of view of the detective.
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this posting.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story of mystery. History has a way to repeat itself sometimes. It looks like the same thing happens but it could be coincidence or just another incident.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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A very well-written story of mystery. History has a way to repeat itself sometimes. It looks like the same thing happens but it could be coincidence or just another incident.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Glad you enjoyed this introduction.
Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Sankey
Wow! Very real, mate. Good work. Great timing with the shooting in Washington State I presume it is just announced today. No spags and plenty of suspense. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Wow! Very real, mate. Good work. Great timing with the shooting in Washington State I presume it is just announced today. No spags and plenty of suspense. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2017
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Thank you. Not sure I'm up on the shooting Washington State?
This was just something I put out there to see how readers would respond and decide if I wanted to pursue this tale.
Appreciate your comments, support, and the review.