Sonnets
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Like I Can Fly"A collection of sonnets
18 total reviews
Comment from nordicgirl
Wow. I forgot you could do this. Smooth and I am guessing technically perfect, reads that way at least.
Looks like your love life went to hell. Hehehe. Well, it makes for a change of pace in your writing anyway. Knowing you, it will not last long. Love this. NG
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Wow. I forgot you could do this. Smooth and I am guessing technically perfect, reads that way at least.
Looks like your love life went to hell. Hehehe. Well, it makes for a change of pace in your writing anyway. Knowing you, it will not last long. Love this. NG
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written Sonnet. Sometimes love ratiobships don't work as well as we dream about how it could work out. The best decision we can do is to count our losses and move on hoping the dream will come true one day.
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A very well-written Sonnet. Sometimes love ratiobships don't work as well as we dream about how it could work out. The best decision we can do is to count our losses and move on hoping the dream will come true one day.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
Comment from moongirlwriter
I think we've all been in this space. . .if we haven't, we've missed out on a part of life that helps us grow and love again. This poem has all the right elements but doesn't flow well for me in some places. I also found it difficult to read in your selected typeface.
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I think we've all been in this space. . .if we haven't, we've missed out on a part of life that helps us grow and love again. This poem has all the right elements but doesn't flow well for me in some places. I also found it difficult to read in your selected typeface.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
Comment from RN Scrubadub
I appreciate the brutal honesty that is expressed in this poem. Especially the parts that refer to our tendencies as humans in relationships to "idolize" the other and say things like, "You are the only one for me."
RN Scrubadub
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I appreciate the brutal honesty that is expressed in this poem. Especially the parts that refer to our tendencies as humans in relationships to "idolize" the other and say things like, "You are the only one for me."
RN Scrubadub
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
Comment from tfawcus
Why am I thinking of South Pacific, I wonder? It sounds as if the poet is going to wash that man (or woman) right out of his (or her) hair! Nice even iambic pentameter for the most part, with a pair of feminine endings in the second stanza - aren't there always? Not so sure about the nine syllable line, but I guess it can be put down to catalexis - that condition of running around like a headless chook after a tragic pair of feminine endings. I enjoyed this sonnet, which breaks refreshingly from the mould, rather like a mushroom.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Why am I thinking of South Pacific, I wonder? It sounds as if the poet is going to wash that man (or woman) right out of his (or her) hair! Nice even iambic pentameter for the most part, with a pair of feminine endings in the second stanza - aren't there always? Not so sure about the nine syllable line, but I guess it can be put down to catalexis - that condition of running around like a headless chook after a tragic pair of feminine endings. I enjoyed this sonnet, which breaks refreshingly from the mould, rather like a mushroom.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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My mom had that album when I was a little tyke. I know every note and got some looks in high school when I'd perform it. LOL
I did Beatles too, but S.P. is good stuff!
It's been ages since I wrote a "real" poem. Ha! Glad you liked this. A couple of the lines were a little strange so I fixed them. I did keep the "headless chook" though. After hearing it described thusly, I just had too. :)) Thanks so much, mike
Comment from Gloria ....
Whoa, Mav. I like poetry with teeth and this sonnet most definitely fits the bill. For a second there I couldn't dial up my mind's iambic pentameter app but that is because you have with great skill made some metric substitutions which in my view lends this sonnet exceptional "conceit". The only thing I question is guilty giving's bring as bring is not a possession of bring and neither is it a contraction, so you might want to revisit that, although it might reverse syntax for guilty ... lol. Great inclusion of a feminine ending in lines 5 and 7. Yikes it's been so long that I've written a sonnet I almost forgot about those.
Terrific sonnet and a most worthy entry into the contest. I hope you win with this beauty. :))
Ange
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Whoa, Mav. I like poetry with teeth and this sonnet most definitely fits the bill. For a second there I couldn't dial up my mind's iambic pentameter app but that is because you have with great skill made some metric substitutions which in my view lends this sonnet exceptional "conceit". The only thing I question is guilty giving's bring as bring is not a possession of bring and neither is it a contraction, so you might want to revisit that, although it might reverse syntax for guilty ... lol. Great inclusion of a feminine ending in lines 5 and 7. Yikes it's been so long that I've written a sonnet I almost forgot about those.
Terrific sonnet and a most worthy entry into the contest. I hope you win with this beauty. :))
Ange
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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I fixed that, Ange, I think ... "guilty giving brings" instead. Better, yes? It took me awhile to figure out what I did to know it was more or less okay. Ha! I don't recall the last one honestly. Glad you liked this. You are toooooo kind and that is just what I need, deserved or not. :))
Mav
Comment from rama devi
Emotional intensity is so well portrayed here, my friend. Powerful. Good sonnet composition style. great rhymes and phonetics (not listing them all as I know you know I noticed nuances and applaud)... I especially applaud these two lines:
False memories will never warm my dreams
and
guilty giving's bringing nightmarish screams.
However, the second one has scansion issues. May I suggest:
guilty giving brings nightmarish screams.
Good turn in the volta...commanding a change.
And the last two lines in that stanza are well voiced. Impacting.
I love the tone of the closing couplet and it's rhyme pair, but it is awkward with off-scansion meter issues in the first line. May I suggest:
The view is lovely on the cliff -- sun sets
or
The view is lovely, cliff-side, as sun sets
Those issues in meter force a four. But since this is otherwise leaning toward a six and I am confident you'll fix meter scansion, I'm giving five in advance.
I love how you opened with ellipses. Interesting device. It works -- and serves to poem well.
Great title and metaphor. Great presentation.
I think you included all the elements...well done.
Good luck
Warmly, rd
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reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Emotional intensity is so well portrayed here, my friend. Powerful. Good sonnet composition style. great rhymes and phonetics (not listing them all as I know you know I noticed nuances and applaud)... I especially applaud these two lines:
False memories will never warm my dreams
and
guilty giving's bringing nightmarish screams.
However, the second one has scansion issues. May I suggest:
guilty giving brings nightmarish screams.
Good turn in the volta...commanding a change.
And the last two lines in that stanza are well voiced. Impacting.
I love the tone of the closing couplet and it's rhyme pair, but it is awkward with off-scansion meter issues in the first line. May I suggest:
The view is lovely on the cliff -- sun sets
or
The view is lovely, cliff-side, as sun sets
Those issues in meter force a four. But since this is otherwise leaning toward a six and I am confident you'll fix meter scansion, I'm giving five in advance.
I love how you opened with ellipses. Interesting device. It works -- and serves to poem well.
Great title and metaphor. Great presentation.
I think you included all the elements...well done.
Good luck
Warmly, rd
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Awww ... so thrilled you liked this. I haven't written one in ... well, I don't recall. LOL
I have fixed as you suggested. YES! Much better, I knew it sounded strange, but...
I'm even responding in a timely manner. It's a banner day. :))
Thanks a million. mike xxoo
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Thanks so much for your gracious and enthusiastic response, my friend. Glad you're having a good day!
Lots of Love, rd
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I am not a sonnet person but you followed the rules of the sonnet writing perfectly. You are not one to forget.lol
A little dark, a little humor, a little sadness, and a little frustration. Nicely done
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reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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I am not a sonnet person but you followed the rules of the sonnet writing perfectly. You are not one to forget.lol
A little dark, a little humor, a little sadness, and a little frustration. Nicely done
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2017
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Hi there, dear Barb. Don't fall out of your chair. I thought I'd better respond to this so you know I'm out here and sooooooo appreciate your reviews and support. Just crazy busy and lazy too I admit. Hugs. mike xxoo
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thank goodness I was sitting down.lol
