Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Chapter Zwolf part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
27 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there; I appreciate the need to cement the relationship between Shana and Emily. I can see how it may become important in the parts to come. As always, this was well written and played the scene out in front of me,
~patty~
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Hi there; I appreciate the need to cement the relationship between Shana and Emily. I can see how it may become important in the parts to come. As always, this was well written and played the scene out in front of me,
~patty~
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the kind review and understanding.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Barb, what a fun short chapter to read.
Liked how you got Emily excited ti dare enter the
Pirate's Cove especially when there was a warning
( not to enter)
Gert
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Hi Barb, what a fun short chapter to read.
Liked how you got Emily excited ti dare enter the
Pirate's Cove especially when there was a warning
( not to enter)
Gert
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, although it's very short, maybe too short? it still managed to show the tenderness between Shana and Emily. Lovely. And romance is in the air, I think. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Hi Barbara, although it's very short, maybe too short? it still managed to show the tenderness between Shana and Emily. Lovely. And romance is in the air, I think. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Anderson seeing yet another side of Shana along with her building relationship with Emily. An old softy, the budding romance and chance for a child to have a better life, have me under your spell. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Anderson seeing yet another side of Shana along with her building relationship with Emily. An old softy, the budding romance and chance for a child to have a better life, have me under your spell. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for your encouraging review.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is such a lovely, light-hearted piece, Barbara - such fun for the children - I'm left wondering where Anderson has been.
Ref your note - I'd be happy if you made your posting a bit longer, Barbara - I enjoy the read, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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This is such a lovely, light-hearted piece, Barbara - such fun for the children - I'm left wondering where Anderson has been.
Ref your note - I'd be happy if you made your posting a bit longer, Barbara - I enjoy the read, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Two for the same length and two for longer. LOL Nobody else has commented. Anderson had to go to DC on business. He flew out when Shana's father left. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from apky
Well this was a short and sweet adventure into the Pirates' Cove.
I'm glad Anderson is back on the scene and very curious to know where he had been or what he had been up to. Shana now seem to have lost her "Grubeln" and is more carefree.
No spags found.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Well this was a short and sweet adventure into the Pirates' Cove.
I'm glad Anderson is back on the scene and very curious to know where he had been or what he had been up to. Shana now seem to have lost her "Grubeln" and is more carefree.
No spags found.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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We shall see. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
This is just darling. It reminds me of Nancy Drew. Nice lightweight playfulness. Good flow and dialog. Fine work. just some spag nits to note. And, since I know you always fix those, five stars in advance
NOTES
*
Within minutes(,) the four ladies were making chocolate chip cookies.
* Around noon, lunch was eaten, and Emily took a short rest while Shana read her three picture books.
Suggest replacing LUNCH WAS EATEN with THEY ATE LUNCH (active instead of passive).
*
Just as the third story ended, Jane came into Emily's room and she(DELETE SHE) asked, "Are you ready to search for lost treasure?"
*
"Hmmm." Jane took an eye-patch from her pocket and put it over Emily's head and adjusted it so it covered her right eye.
Too many ANDS. Suggest:
"Hmmm." Jane took an eye-patch from her pocket, put it over Emily's head and adjusted it so it covered her right eye.
*
"I'm taller than that, so I should be okay(,) and I'll still have fun without them. Where's our map?"
*
"Take my hand(,) and I'll lead you to Pirates' Cove."
* You'll be reading before long, but(,) right now(,) I'll help you." Shana studied the map.
*
With a nod, Jane smiled. "I think so(,) and I'm guessing you're going to have to go inside the cave to discover the next clue."
Enjoyed. Relaxing read.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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This is just darling. It reminds me of Nancy Drew. Nice lightweight playfulness. Good flow and dialog. Fine work. just some spag nits to note. And, since I know you always fix those, five stars in advance
NOTES
*
Within minutes(,) the four ladies were making chocolate chip cookies.
* Around noon, lunch was eaten, and Emily took a short rest while Shana read her three picture books.
Suggest replacing LUNCH WAS EATEN with THEY ATE LUNCH (active instead of passive).
*
Just as the third story ended, Jane came into Emily's room and she(DELETE SHE) asked, "Are you ready to search for lost treasure?"
*
"Hmmm." Jane took an eye-patch from her pocket and put it over Emily's head and adjusted it so it covered her right eye.
Too many ANDS. Suggest:
"Hmmm." Jane took an eye-patch from her pocket, put it over Emily's head and adjusted it so it covered her right eye.
*
"I'm taller than that, so I should be okay(,) and I'll still have fun without them. Where's our map?"
*
"Take my hand(,) and I'll lead you to Pirates' Cove."
* You'll be reading before long, but(,) right now(,) I'll help you." Shana studied the map.
*
With a nod, Jane smiled. "I think so(,) and I'm guessing you're going to have to go inside the cave to discover the next clue."
Enjoyed. Relaxing read.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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I have added those pesky little commas. At first, I had it the way you suggested. I should have left it alone. LOL
Around noon, lunch was eaten, and Emily took a short rest while Shana read her three picture books.
Suggest replacing LUNCH WAS EATEN with THEY ATE LUNCH (active instead of passive).
Thank you for the help.
-
:-)))
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
Honestly, I think you have enough of a readership now that you could make these posts longer. I regularly post 2000 words plus and it makes no difference to the amount or depth of the reviews.
This is a nice interlude and is well written but it is difficult to judge on its merit within the overall story due to the length. Small posts are fine if something substantial is happening to move the plot forward. this shows the deepening relationship between Shana & Emily and some of character of Jane, but as to overall plot, it is difficult to determine, if you see what I mean.
Jane came into Emily's room and she asked, "Are you ready to search for lost treasure?" - it's not a big thing really but you don't need 'she' here - cam into Emily's room and asked... (you could this on other occasions as well)
aluminum foil. "Now, you look like a real pirate. - need closing speech marks here.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Hi Barbara,
Honestly, I think you have enough of a readership now that you could make these posts longer. I regularly post 2000 words plus and it makes no difference to the amount or depth of the reviews.
This is a nice interlude and is well written but it is difficult to judge on its merit within the overall story due to the length. Small posts are fine if something substantial is happening to move the plot forward. this shows the deepening relationship between Shana & Emily and some of character of Jane, but as to overall plot, it is difficult to determine, if you see what I mean.
Jane came into Emily's room and she asked, "Are you ready to search for lost treasure?" - it's not a big thing really but you don't need 'she' here - cam into Emily's room and asked... (you could this on other occasions as well)
aluminum foil. "Now, you look like a real pirate. - need closing speech marks here.
All the best
G
Comment Written 07-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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I have made the correction. I've two reviewers thank me for having short posts. I will see what others say. So far, one reviewer to the parallel between the treasure hunt and the paining. Thank you for the kind review and suggestions.
Comment from bluedragon776
Good dialogue, lively characterizations, strong visuals and general overall good story telling. Thanks for sharing this piece with the fanstory community and good luck with the book. Cute image.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Good dialogue, lively characterizations, strong visuals and general overall good story telling. Thanks for sharing this piece with the fanstory community and good luck with the book. Cute image.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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I have no idea what to change to get five stars. You didn't state the reason. You have be a five star review and only four stars. Please tell me what to correct.
Comment from Sankey
Great reading again. Good work, not a spag to be found anywhere. Loved the picture as well. Good choice. Thanks again always a worthwhile adventure reading your stories.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Great reading again. Good work, not a spag to be found anywhere. Loved the picture as well. Good choice. Thanks again always a worthwhile adventure reading your stories.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.