Unwanted Dog
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Chase"A short autobiography
16 total reviews
Comment from Ulla
Hi Brett, Well I suppose it was bound to happen an not much you could do being juvenile. Well written, and I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
  |
Hi Brett, Well I suppose it was bound to happen an not much you could do being juvenile. Well written, and I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
-
Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed this portion of my autobiography.
Much more to come so I invite you to ride along.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story. To be captured again after escaping must be quite disappointing and a setback to your plans. As a minor you had not much of a chance against the adults.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
|
A very well-written story. To be captured again after escaping must be quite disappointing and a setback to your plans. As a minor you had not much of a chance against the adults.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
-
Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed this portion of my autobiography.
Comment from RobertaLee
Really enjoyed your story-telling. There are several difficulties that you might want to address. For instance, a "gumshoe" was generally a detective, not a beat patrolman in a blue uniform. In the era of gumshoe detectives, there would have been no key cards. Conflicts like these make it difficult to imagine the scene you are setting.
"Breathing became laborious"
"I did not wind easily. so ..."
Above is an example of conflicting statements in the same paragraph, and the period after "easily" s/b a comma.
There are quite a few common nouns that are capitalized and perhaps shouldn't be: "Finest", "Police", "Senior"
Your story truly sounds fascinating, and I really enjoyed the portions I have been privileged to read.
Blessings
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
 |
Really enjoyed your story-telling. There are several difficulties that you might want to address. For instance, a "gumshoe" was generally a detective, not a beat patrolman in a blue uniform. In the era of gumshoe detectives, there would have been no key cards. Conflicts like these make it difficult to imagine the scene you are setting.
"Breathing became laborious"
"I did not wind easily. so ..."
Above is an example of conflicting statements in the same paragraph, and the period after "easily" s/b a comma.
There are quite a few common nouns that are capitalized and perhaps shouldn't be: "Finest", "Police", "Senior"
Your story truly sounds fascinating, and I really enjoyed the portions I have been privileged to read.
Blessings
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
-
Thanks.
-
Welcome, hope it helps.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
It must have been terrible running from those big bad policeman. They make you sound like America's most wanted.
LOL They left you locked in a interrogation room all night with nothing to eat. Communication is a good way to get your point across but I guess a kid has that to learn.Good job. Nancy
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
|
It must have been terrible running from those big bad policeman. They make you sound like America's most wanted.
LOL They left you locked in a interrogation room all night with nothing to eat. Communication is a good way to get your point across but I guess a kid has that to learn.Good job. Nancy
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of my autobiography.
I am not bitter towards the Police. They were only doing their job.
That night, I probably would have told you a different story than the one I just did.
But, I survived them and have tried to teach my son to respect law and order.
Much more to come and I do invite you to ride along.
Comment from apky
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS for the Book of the Month contest win.
Very good description, vivd and transports the reader to your character then:
Feasting wasn't on my mind either. Getting out of there was all I cared about. Since I did not have a keycard, like the one I watched him use to leave the room, I was trapped to my own vices. I felt like a prisoner on Death Row. Even being left unattended in that holding room was better than the dreaded prospect of being returned to Hermitage Hall.
A little glitch in the following:
I didn't hold being detained against Officer Smalley. He was only doing his job. Oh, yes I did. I was seething! I was as mad as a hornet who's(whose) nest had been disturbed. One good thing resulted though. At no point did they ever frisk me, or find my switchblade knife. I suppose they naturally assumed as a juvenile, I would not be in possession of anything of that sort.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
|
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS for the Book of the Month contest win.
Very good description, vivd and transports the reader to your character then:
Feasting wasn't on my mind either. Getting out of there was all I cared about. Since I did not have a keycard, like the one I watched him use to leave the room, I was trapped to my own vices. I felt like a prisoner on Death Row. Even being left unattended in that holding room was better than the dreaded prospect of being returned to Hermitage Hall.
A little glitch in the following:
I didn't hold being detained against Officer Smalley. He was only doing his job. Oh, yes I did. I was seething! I was as mad as a hornet who's(whose) nest had been disturbed. One good thing resulted though. At no point did they ever frisk me, or find my switchblade knife. I suppose they naturally assumed as a juvenile, I would not be in possession of anything of that sort.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of my autobiography.
Much more to come and I invite you to ride along.
Appreciate the catch on the spag and you taking the time to read this as well as to write a review.
In reference to the Book of the Month, I really enjoyed that 3rd place finish. Although I have won several contests on this site it was the first time I'd ever been selected for that particular one.
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
This is a surprising bit from your childhood/adolescence that I would never have guessed! I'm so sorry you had to deal with these kinds of things at such a young and tender age. But, to me, that determination and strength of will is what must have made you into the person you are today. *smile* Thanks for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
|
Brett,
This is a surprising bit from your childhood/adolescence that I would never have guessed! I'm so sorry you had to deal with these kinds of things at such a young and tender age. But, to me, that determination and strength of will is what must have made you into the person you are today. *smile* Thanks for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2017
-
Glad you enjoyed this portion of my autobiography.
Much more to come and I invite you to ride along.
Appreciate you taking the time to read my autobiography and to write a review.