Sketches of a Deceitful Town
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Brotherhood"Pretty town, ugly truths
12 total reviews
Comment from crich
That was a fun scene! I like the way you emphasize the tension between the two character with the back story. The second half the story moved well, flowed well, was easy to lose myself in the story.
There are a couple of typos (I don't read to proof or look for grammar issues, but these jumped out at me: "Clenched between his teeth, and still indecisive, he nodded at pedestrians as if he were auditioning for the job e official Wal*Mart greeter." I assume it is "of." This whole sentence, was a bit troublesome for me. "Clenched between his teeth,' appears to belong in the sentence prior. Comparing his nodding to pedestrians as though he were auditioning as a Wall*Mart greeter, gave me a far different visual than an entitled, rich kid. Once you gave me the background of the bigotry, I could see him as standing out front of the Sheriff's office scrutinizing people as though he were the true "law" in that town.
"He was far more comfortable easing into conversations, and made enquiries about Rich's family, trying to slow things down." It's inquiries.
"Come one, Sam, please don't tell me you're here to tell me what the women are talking about at the beauty parlor." It's come on, right?
As this is the first of your pieces I have read, I am anxious to read more about these characters. They are colorful, realistic and intriguing!! I love the story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
   |
That was a fun scene! I like the way you emphasize the tension between the two character with the back story. The second half the story moved well, flowed well, was easy to lose myself in the story.
There are a couple of typos (I don't read to proof or look for grammar issues, but these jumped out at me: "Clenched between his teeth, and still indecisive, he nodded at pedestrians as if he were auditioning for the job e official Wal*Mart greeter." I assume it is "of." This whole sentence, was a bit troublesome for me. "Clenched between his teeth,' appears to belong in the sentence prior. Comparing his nodding to pedestrians as though he were auditioning as a Wall*Mart greeter, gave me a far different visual than an entitled, rich kid. Once you gave me the background of the bigotry, I could see him as standing out front of the Sheriff's office scrutinizing people as though he were the true "law" in that town.
"He was far more comfortable easing into conversations, and made enquiries about Rich's family, trying to slow things down." It's inquiries.
"Come one, Sam, please don't tell me you're here to tell me what the women are talking about at the beauty parlor." It's come on, right?
As this is the first of your pieces I have read, I am anxious to read more about these characters. They are colorful, realistic and intriguing!! I love the story!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
-
All excellent points. Thanks for taking the time to point out my nits.
-
I hate picking out typos and such! But, it sure helps me when people find them in my work!
-
Agreed. Thanks again.
-
Wow! Thanks for the nomination. I appreciate it!
Comment from Sasha
Great work with this chapter. The intrigue is building nicely along with dozens of questions about the house. I like your in-depth descriptions of the characters. I found two minor sentences you may want to look at:
for the job e official Wal*Mart greeter... not sure what you meant to say but 'e' needs to be replaced...
He fell like Rich was sizing him up....I think you meant 'felt' not fell...
I look forward to reading the next chapter. Hopefully you will be able to post it sometime in the near future. I hate waiting to find out what is going to happen next.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
|
Great work with this chapter. The intrigue is building nicely along with dozens of questions about the house. I like your in-depth descriptions of the characters. I found two minor sentences you may want to look at:
for the job e official Wal*Mart greeter... not sure what you meant to say but 'e' needs to be replaced...
He fell like Rich was sizing him up....I think you meant 'felt' not fell...
I look forward to reading the next chapter. Hopefully you will be able to post it sometime in the near future. I hate waiting to find out what is going to happen next.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2017
-
Thanks so much for spotting the nits. I should be better than that by now, but they slip through.