Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Chapter Neun part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
28 total reviews
Comment from dweigt
Oh oh! More complications arrive, in the form of Shana's family!
This is another interesting advancement in your story. Sounds like the men looking for Shana are becoming more threatening.
I didn't notice spags, but there was one sentence that bothered me.
In ran Shana and threw her arms around her dad and kissed his cheek. -- Something about this sentence feels off. I think it is correct, but it just doesn't read smoothly, at least for me. I think it is the first "and". On first reading I thought another person (or perhaps Romeo) was running in with Shana and expected a name after "and", but then I realized you were joining two sequential actions, which changed my interpretation. Then you add a third action, again joined with an "and". Anytime I have to stop and reread a sentence, it takes me out of the flow of your story. Consider reworking this to read more smoothly.
Other than that minor nit, I thought it was great.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Oh oh! More complications arrive, in the form of Shana's family!
This is another interesting advancement in your story. Sounds like the men looking for Shana are becoming more threatening.
I didn't notice spags, but there was one sentence that bothered me.
In ran Shana and threw her arms around her dad and kissed his cheek. -- Something about this sentence feels off. I think it is correct, but it just doesn't read smoothly, at least for me. I think it is the first "and". On first reading I thought another person (or perhaps Romeo) was running in with Shana and expected a name after "and", but then I realized you were joining two sequential actions, which changed my interpretation. Then you add a third action, again joined with an "and". Anytime I have to stop and reread a sentence, it takes me out of the flow of your story. Consider reworking this to read more smoothly.
Other than that minor nit, I thought it was great.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Thank you. I see your point. I will see if I can change something.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Excellent chapter, Barbara. Good to see you posting.
It's only right a father wants to know his child is safe.
Fortunately, she's looked after well.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Excellent chapter, Barbara. Good to see you posting.
It's only right a father wants to know his child is safe.
Fortunately, she's looked after well.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I was worried about posting this but I thought a father would want to know. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ben Colder
I think I like the idea of characterizing and helping the reader to relate who , what , and when. For me it just makes an easy read to know what they may look like. Roll em Roll em, keep them doggies rolling! LOL.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I think I like the idea of characterizing and helping the reader to relate who , what , and when. For me it just makes an easy read to know what they may look like. Roll em Roll em, keep them doggies rolling! LOL.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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LOL Thank you for the encouragement. I attempt to make my characters real and I can't imagine an old fashioned dad not wanting to know where his daughter is staying.
Comment from pbomar1115
Anderson a billionaire with a five your old daughter is protecting Shana in a very secure penthouse who has a valuable painting. Shana's father is worried about her and wonders why she needs to be protected and the painting.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Anderson a billionaire with a five your old daughter is protecting Shana in a very secure penthouse who has a valuable painting. Shana's father is worried about her and wonders why she needs to be protected and the painting.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was a really good part, Barbara, and I enjoyed the little part that Emily played, just like a child to be curious, that's how they learn. I'm also pleased to see Sasha's father and brother there now, it's only right they would want to know she was safe and I think they will be very impressed with how well she is looked after. I wonder if a few more questions will be answered in the next parts now Sasha's family are there. I will look forward to finding out. Excellent! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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This was a really good part, Barbara, and I enjoyed the little part that Emily played, just like a child to be curious, that's how they learn. I'm also pleased to see Sasha's father and brother there now, it's only right they would want to know she was safe and I think they will be very impressed with how well she is looked after. I wonder if a few more questions will be answered in the next parts now Sasha's family are there. I will look forward to finding out. Excellent! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I enjoyed reading your review and I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
Now we get to know more about Shana's family.
"No sir, Emily is my only child"Papa!". (Skip a space)
Not sure why the "Papa!" is there. Hope you are well. catch you soon.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Now we get to know more about Shana's family.
"No sir, Emily is my only child"Papa!". (Skip a space)
Not sure why the "Papa!" is there. Hope you are well. catch you soon.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I have no clue how that happened. I just read my original manuscript. I had to smile. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from apky
Another excellent read apart from the glitches I point below:
"Its call(+ ed) a kippah or in Yiddish yarmulke."
"No sir, Emily is my only child"Papa!".
Something is not right with the ending of the above sentence.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Another excellent read apart from the glitches I point below:
"Its call(+ ed) a kippah or in Yiddish yarmulke."
"No sir, Emily is my only child"Papa!".
Something is not right with the ending of the above sentence.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I have no clue how "Papa!" ended up there. OL I have made the corrections. Thank you for the kind review;.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Excellent continuation. As I've come to expect both flow and continuity were spot on. I like how you've thickened the plot by bringing Benjamin Kohlberg and his brother into the fray. Enjoyed.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Good morning, Barbara
Excellent continuation. As I've come to expect both flow and continuity were spot on. I like how you've thickened the plot by bringing Benjamin Kohlberg and his brother into the fray. Enjoyed.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I appreciate the kind review.
Comment from giraffmang
Another good continuation.
He said into the intercom - maybe spoke rather than said here.
"Its fine," interrupted Benjamin - It's fine.
"Its call a kippah or in Yiddish yarmulke." - It's called.
"No sir, Emily is my only child"Papa!". Her mother and I are divorced - this needs edited.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Another good continuation.
He said into the intercom - maybe spoke rather than said here.
"Its fine," interrupted Benjamin - It's fine.
"Its call a kippah or in Yiddish yarmulke." - It's called.
"No sir, Emily is my only child"Papa!". Her mother and I are divorced - this needs edited.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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I thought those apostrophes needed to be there but each time I put them in my computer auto corrected. I have added them again. Thank you for the help. I do appreciate it. I'm honored that a great author as yourself takes time to read my work.
Comment from Jay Squires
Thanks to the "background" information and the summary of the previous post, I was able to jump back into this without much confusion--especially since Shana is still a voluntary "prisoner" in Anderson's penthouse. There are worse places to do one's time.
Your writing is clear and entertainingly written.
Philip leaned for waiting for a response. [Do you mean, "leaned forward(?) waiting for a response."]
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Thanks to the "background" information and the summary of the previous post, I was able to jump back into this without much confusion--especially since Shana is still a voluntary "prisoner" in Anderson's penthouse. There are worse places to do one's time.
Your writing is clear and entertainingly written.
Philip leaned for waiting for a response. [Do you mean, "leaned forward(?) waiting for a response."]
Comment Written 05-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I must have been making that correction as you were reading, but I will go back and check in case I forgot to save.