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Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Untitled - A Cherita"Free verse poems
24 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
I have to be honest here, Carol, although I understand the meaning behind the poem I have never seen a poem written quite like this before. Is Joan E. a member on here who wrote those poems? Good job and quite an image written for sure. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I have to be honest here, Carol, although I understand the meaning behind the poem I have never seen a poem written quite like this before. Is Joan E. a member on here who wrote those poems? Good job and quite an image written for sure. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Hi Bob,
Joan E. is a member, she actually lives near me in Southern Cal. She's great - and her Cheritas were very good, they inspired me.
Carol
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Carol,
You did a great job with this 'new' form. Your words are precise & concise to tell the story. It is a sad story & I felt sad for you at the end.
I was unsure of the poem from the list since it didn't have a title. Now I see that is a requirement of the style.
I know your story from other work here on FS. So, I know how important & life changing this could have been for you.
Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Carol,
You did a great job with this 'new' form. Your words are precise & concise to tell the story. It is a sad story & I felt sad for you at the end.
I was unsure of the poem from the list since it didn't have a title. Now I see that is a requirement of the style.
I know your story from other work here on FS. So, I know how important & life changing this could have been for you.
Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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A few of you on FS know my story, including Jim of course. I just had the memory of that particular time come back to me for some reason. I worked at the Cliff Lodge at Snowbird, and one of my tasks was to get the ice and snow off the back steps of the lodge. I would put on Dave's favorite hat and go after those steps with everything I had. Bittersweet memories!
hugs,
Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
I like plain words that say it all, no punctuation. Of course, the outstanding picture goes along way toward embedding the chill from the frozen snow. Strange as it may seem, and me not being a lover of snow, I could enjoy the peacefulness of being snowed in as I warm by the fire, maybe with someone special. Maybe even someone who isn't supposed to be there. Yep, see, your poem put my mind to working. LOL! Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I like plain words that say it all, no punctuation. Of course, the outstanding picture goes along way toward embedding the chill from the frozen snow. Strange as it may seem, and me not being a lover of snow, I could enjoy the peacefulness of being snowed in as I warm by the fire, maybe with someone special. Maybe even someone who isn't supposed to be there. Yep, see, your poem put my mind to working. LOL! Great job. :-)
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I'm glad your mind is working away on this poem, it is a very plain and brief one. Perfect for recalling a memory - a moment in time from long ago. thanks so much :))
Carol
Comment from TAB_that's me
I think I read at least one of Joan's. Great imagery. Like a haiku - very minimalist in wording. Is there not supposed to be any rhyming?
Great job!
teresa
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I think I read at least one of Joan's. Great imagery. Like a haiku - very minimalist in wording. Is there not supposed to be any rhyming?
Great job!
teresa
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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No it doesn't need rhyme...it seems to be a pretty simple form, which felt like it worked to encapsulate this memory
Comment from RGstar
Another one I have learned. I really had no idea to so many forms before coming here. I guess the single line will always serve as a title though it is not, unless beginning with the subject.
Nice configuration with the red thread in tact.
Best wishes.
RGstar
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Another one I have learned. I really had no idea to so many forms before coming here. I guess the single line will always serve as a title though it is not, unless beginning with the subject.
Nice configuration with the red thread in tact.
Best wishes.
RGstar
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I kind of figured that initial single line could serve as a title of sorts too. In any case, it sets the stage for what's to come. The very short poems are tricky!
Thanks so much, Roy,
Carol
Comment from Dean Kuch
I seem to remember you writing some poetry awhile back about a dear friend you lost during a treacherous climb, or something to that effect, Carol.
I believe it was during an avalanche, or something to that effect?
Please forgive me for not recalling all the details as it's been awhile.
However, if I'm right, then I take it this Cherita poem was written in his memory.
Well done.
~Dean
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I seem to remember you writing some poetry awhile back about a dear friend you lost during a treacherous climb, or something to that effect, Carol.
I believe it was during an avalanche, or something to that effect?
Please forgive me for not recalling all the details as it's been awhile.
However, if I'm right, then I take it this Cherita poem was written in his memory.
Well done.
~Dean
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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It was an avalanche, Dean - thanks for remembering. 35 years ago it happened, and this one memory just hit me the other day, so...
No need to recall all the details, but yes - it was his hat I was wearing, and I still have it to this day.
Thanks so much :)
Carol
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Some things we're just never be able to forget completely, Carol.
Nor do we want to.
You're welcome.
Comment from rama devi
Wonderful form. I'd not heard of it. You did well. This is poignant. It builds up a crescendo because the reader may wonder in the opening why you are describing the girl in the snow...and the next part opens up vistas of emotion...SHE WEARS HIS HAT works almost like a satori line...and AHA of knowing he is no longer the one to shovel snow and also implying that he is with her still, keeping her warm, metaphorically.
fighting grief and frozen snow
what an eloquent line with the alliteration and consonance of F.
The closing line is clever and also finely alliterated.
no nits or suggestions. Your choice to avoid caps and punctuation serves this poem perfectly.
Fine presentation too.
A six if I had one.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Wonderful form. I'd not heard of it. You did well. This is poignant. It builds up a crescendo because the reader may wonder in the opening why you are describing the girl in the snow...and the next part opens up vistas of emotion...SHE WEARS HIS HAT works almost like a satori line...and AHA of knowing he is no longer the one to shovel snow and also implying that he is with her still, keeping her warm, metaphorically.
fighting grief and frozen snow
what an eloquent line with the alliteration and consonance of F.
The closing line is clever and also finely alliterated.
no nits or suggestions. Your choice to avoid caps and punctuation serves this poem perfectly.
Fine presentation too.
A six if I had one.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for such a nice review. Writing and thinking about that time has been emotional...I just realized I'm feeling vulnerable and I almost cried to see your words SHE WEARS HIS HAT. Oh, yes, I did - I wore that hat, and I've kept it for all these years. It's kind of moth-eaten now.
I appreciate the virtual six and your kind understanding...
love,
Carol
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It touches me that my response to your touching poem touched you, dear.
Love,
rd
Comment from Pantygynt
I have been wondering whether my knowledge of the background to this contributed to my understanding. I think there are sufficient allusions in the body of the tercet for the piece to be understood even if a reader did not know the details.
Poetry is a bit like one of those fairground test-your-strength machines where the punters whack a steel plate with a heavy maul and if they are very very strong they will ring the bell. Actually though it is more about hitting it in exactly the right place.
We write and write and every so often as in this Cherita we get it spot on and then ding dong!
I thought this absolutely brilliant. Every word of that tercet contains so much meaning. It just hit me between the eyes. You have made every word tell.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I have been wondering whether my knowledge of the background to this contributed to my understanding. I think there are sufficient allusions in the body of the tercet for the piece to be understood even if a reader did not know the details.
Poetry is a bit like one of those fairground test-your-strength machines where the punters whack a steel plate with a heavy maul and if they are very very strong they will ring the bell. Actually though it is more about hitting it in exactly the right place.
We write and write and every so often as in this Cherita we get it spot on and then ding dong!
I thought this absolutely brilliant. Every word of that tercet contains so much meaning. It just hit me between the eyes. You have made every word tell.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I was hoping, hoping, that the meaning of loss would come through (she wears his hat) - - why would someone do that? For love, of course. Loss produces the grief part of it, and the attack on the steps provided a sort of comfort on that winter morning.
I honestly felt, after posting it last night, that I was very happy with how it worked out - brutally simple, just a few words, and all the meaning between the lines. Thanks for this brilliant review - you're the best xoxo
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Listening to what was said by Jan and Debbie yesterday I think you can be assured that it came through even for those who did not know the background. Other reviewers seem to think so too. BTW whenever I am on line now I am putting myself into the default channel of teamspeak so, as a past student should you wish to speak to me just pop in and say, "Hello". If you don't see me there I am not on line. If I am in a classroom with another, hang on in default until I join you.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Does wearing his hat give her some comfort? This poem brings up some very vivid images, and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing the poetic form definition with us. Great job on the poem,
~patty~
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Does wearing his hat give her some comfort? This poem brings up some very vivid images, and I enjoyed it very much. Thank you for sharing the poetic form definition with us. Great job on the poem,
~patty~
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Yes, I felt better wearing his hat, and in fact I've still got it, 33 years later. Thanks so much for reading my poem :))
Carol
Comment from Mark Valentine
I just read this form for the first time a few days ago - original. I'm assuming that the hat mentioned here belonged to the old boyfriend of whom you often write. That makes this so poignant and the "cold comfort" line so profound.
There was a day last week where it was snowing and very windy downtown and little hard pellets of snow buffeted my face as I walked against the wind to work. Your poem evokes that struggling, painful, feeling.
The single line, "a lonely girl" is stark and sets the tone for this one. The words "attacks" and "fighting" suggest that the emotion is not just mourning, but an attitude of angrily fighting the pain, and the cold comfort line suggests that the fight is in vain. It's beautiful.
Peace.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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I just read this form for the first time a few days ago - original. I'm assuming that the hat mentioned here belonged to the old boyfriend of whom you often write. That makes this so poignant and the "cold comfort" line so profound.
There was a day last week where it was snowing and very windy downtown and little hard pellets of snow buffeted my face as I walked against the wind to work. Your poem evokes that struggling, painful, feeling.
The single line, "a lonely girl" is stark and sets the tone for this one. The words "attacks" and "fighting" suggest that the emotion is not just mourning, but an attitude of angrily fighting the pain, and the cold comfort line suggests that the fight is in vain. It's beautiful.
Peace.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2017
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Ah, so you've been reading Joan E too! She's great.
Yes, that was/is Dave's hat. You got the poem's meaning exactly - that struggle between pain and giving up, and defiance/anger at the cruelty of life. Death leaves you with nothing - everything sifted through your hands, no hope or reprieve, the person is gone.
The fight goes on through life - the emotion, the fierce response to life's grievances - it's hard to escape the past.
Thanks, Mark. You always bring such a special understanding to your reviews...
Carol