Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Chapter Sechs part eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
37 total reviews
Comment from writerfan2013
Hi
A straightforward read and I was drawn into the story.
I spotted a typo: "I didn't directly do anything to cause her [to] leave.
I don't think you need this line, it's obvious from his repetition that he's taking a tone: Anderson highlighted 'poor child' as he said it.
I also think you could remove this as it doesn't add anything, and it's fairly clearly who's talking:
'That's not like you." [Philip took a drink. ]
There's nice tension here and the story is moving along. I like that the dialogue has conflict and people are not simply telling each other the whole story.
-Sef
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Hi
A straightforward read and I was drawn into the story.
I spotted a typo: "I didn't directly do anything to cause her [to] leave.
I don't think you need this line, it's obvious from his repetition that he's taking a tone: Anderson highlighted 'poor child' as he said it.
I also think you could remove this as it doesn't add anything, and it's fairly clearly who's talking:
'That's not like you." [Philip took a drink. ]
There's nice tension here and the story is moving along. I like that the dialogue has conflict and people are not simply telling each other the whole story.
-Sef
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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I have taken a lot of hits from people to can't figure out who's speaking. I will leave the Philip one in. I have made the other corrections. Thank you.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Barbara,
Well Anderson has his fingers in a lot of pies and things are taking their toll on Shana it seems -
That poor child almost got herself kidnapped." Anderson highlighted 'poor child'- you could say emphasised rather than highlighted here. Although you could show it in the text rather than tell the reader.
That 'poor child'... or put it in italics. (both of these would negate the need for the explanation in the general narrative.
time frame - timeframe.
Philip joined Anderson in the den. "What's bothering you?
- need closing speech marks here.
Anderson took a deep breath and then leaned back in this chair - in his chair.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Hi Barbara,
Well Anderson has his fingers in a lot of pies and things are taking their toll on Shana it seems -
That poor child almost got herself kidnapped." Anderson highlighted 'poor child'- you could say emphasised rather than highlighted here. Although you could show it in the text rather than tell the reader.
That 'poor child'... or put it in italics. (both of these would negate the need for the explanation in the general narrative.
time frame - timeframe.
Philip joined Anderson in the den. "What's bothering you?
- need closing speech marks here.
Anderson took a deep breath and then leaned back in this chair - in his chair.
All the best
G
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you. I wish I still had people reviewing it. I added the italics and omitted the other. I want to see how it goes over. I have made the corrections. Thank you for the catches.
Comment from Loren (7)
Barbara, this sounds like such an intriguing story and I'm just coming in on seventeen :) My only suggestion is adding a rejoinder to this question: "Do you want me to save it? Maybe you'll feel like eating when Shana wakes up."
Anderson stood and left the dining room.
I just felt like polite verbal reply on Anderson's part would have been good etiquette . Just my thoughts. Loren
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Barbara, this sounds like such an intriguing story and I'm just coming in on seventeen :) My only suggestion is adding a rejoinder to this question: "Do you want me to save it? Maybe you'll feel like eating when Shana wakes up."
Anderson stood and left the dining room.
I just felt like polite verbal reply on Anderson's part would have been good etiquette . Just my thoughts. Loren
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I'm wondering what's going on in Anderson's mind. I think perhaps Shana knows more than she's let on. It will be interesting to see who solves the mystery of the stolen art - worth a fortune, I should think.
A well-presented chapter, Barbara - with natural dialogue.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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I'm wondering what's going on in Anderson's mind. I think perhaps Shana knows more than she's let on. It will be interesting to see who solves the mystery of the stolen art - worth a fortune, I should think.
A well-presented chapter, Barbara - with natural dialogue.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend there is more to the painting and I cannot wait to find out what is being hidden you done well again I look forward to the next chapter regards Jill
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Yes this is well written my friend there is more to the painting and I cannot wait to find out what is being hidden you done well again I look forward to the next chapter regards Jill
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from BJH^
Enjoyed the dining scene very much and look forward to reading the next instalment.
A couple of the dialogue threads felt a little unfinished, but I have not had the benefit of the character dynamics prior to this.
Anderson stood and left the dining room - seemed abrupt without a response to the question "do you want me to save it" even though there was a suggestion to end Helens question.
Perhaps even for example - Anderson stood up, smiled gratefully, and left the dining room.
Thank you for the enjoyable read. Barb : )
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Enjoyed the dining scene very much and look forward to reading the next instalment.
A couple of the dialogue threads felt a little unfinished, but I have not had the benefit of the character dynamics prior to this.
Anderson stood and left the dining room - seemed abrupt without a response to the question "do you want me to save it" even though there was a suggestion to end Helens question.
Perhaps even for example - Anderson stood up, smiled gratefully, and left the dining room.
Thank you for the enjoyable read. Barb : )
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I made the corrections.
Comment from Mustang Patty
This story is moving along well. So much artwork was stolen from the Jewish community, and rarely is it recovered. I hope this will be the exception. More importantly, I wonder what its true value is over and above the art.
A few nits: "Between the four of us, I bet we do know somebody. Buzz Jane and Helen." (Needs some commas and complete the sentence about Buzz, Jane, and Helen.)
'That's not like you." (Needs the opening quotation mark, and not an apostrophe)
I look forward to the next chapter,
~patty~
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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This story is moving along well. So much artwork was stolen from the Jewish community, and rarely is it recovered. I hope this will be the exception. More importantly, I wonder what its true value is over and above the art.
A few nits: "Between the four of us, I bet we do know somebody. Buzz Jane and Helen." (Needs some commas and complete the sentence about Buzz, Jane, and Helen.)
'That's not like you." (Needs the opening quotation mark, and not an apostrophe)
I look forward to the next chapter,
~patty~
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from bookishfabler
I've been reading your stories for years. Your dialogue is very smooth. It keeps getting more natural.
Ah, what is Anderson up to? Can't wait to find out.
Hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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I've been reading your stories for years. Your dialogue is very smooth. It keeps getting more natural.
Ah, what is Anderson up to? Can't wait to find out.
Hugs Heidi
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was amazing writing, Barbara, I am learning a lot from you. This part was really good, it's given us more to think about, what is going on in Anderson's mind, what are these people really after in the painting? Does Shana know more than she's saying? Or is she just as in the dark as Anderson? Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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This was amazing writing, Barbara, I am learning a lot from you. This part was really good, it's given us more to think about, what is going on in Anderson's mind, what are these people really after in the painting? Does Shana know more than she's saying? Or is she just as in the dark as Anderson? Well done, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you.
Comment from Sis Cat
What struck me about this chapter, Barbara, was how you wove the action of dining into the conversation. The reader knew what Anderson and Jane were doing with their bodies as they were eating, for example:
"Anderson took a drink. "Can I have the meat now?"
"That poor child." Jane set her fork down.
This made your writing more vivid as I can see the characters eating, drinking, and talking.
The subsequent dialogue between Anderson and Philip intrigued me about the clues they may pursue next to solve this mystery of the stolen art.
I found only one SPAG: You need double quotation marks in front of 'That's not like you." Philip took a drink.
Thank you for sharing and for entertaining.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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What struck me about this chapter, Barbara, was how you wove the action of dining into the conversation. The reader knew what Anderson and Jane were doing with their bodies as they were eating, for example:
"Anderson took a drink. "Can I have the meat now?"
"That poor child." Jane set her fork down.
This made your writing more vivid as I can see the characters eating, drinking, and talking.
The subsequent dialogue between Anderson and Philip intrigued me about the clues they may pursue next to solve this mystery of the stolen art.
I found only one SPAG: You need double quotation marks in front of 'That's not like you." Philip took a drink.
Thank you for sharing and for entertaining.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you. I made the correction.