Luna's Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Conversation with my Maker"a place to gather my poetic forms
28 total reviews
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Sounds complicated but I was able to follow the rules in your notes and it is perfectly written that I can see. I love the dark side and the gift given back by converting another to the dark side.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Sounds complicated but I was able to follow the rules in your notes and it is perfectly written that I can see. I love the dark side and the gift given back by converting another to the dark side.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Dear Barb,
I'm really happy that you were able to follow my notes and check me on my form. I'm glad for this gracious review and wish you a happy and healthy holiday season!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Gosh, Luna, that was a deep dark one! I bet Dean will love it! LOL. It's quite a thought provoking poem, to become one you will walk for all eternity here on Earth. I wonder -- who would really want to? Another well written poem notched up, my friend. Well done! Have a wonderful Christmas. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Gosh, Luna, that was a deep dark one! I bet Dean will love it! LOL. It's quite a thought provoking poem, to become one you will walk for all eternity here on Earth. I wonder -- who would really want to? Another well written poem notched up, my friend. Well done! Have a wonderful Christmas. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Dear Sandra, I do hope that Dean enjoys it. I've often contemplated that question when reading the works of Anne Rice. I really can't decide.
I wish you a happy and healthy holiday season.
love,
jeni
Comment from Heather Knight
This is dark and I like dark... The presentation is also great.
We are talking about vampires, aren't we?
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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This is dark and I like dark... The presentation is also great.
We are talking about vampires, aren't we?
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Dear Maria,
I'm happy you like the dark and that you enjoyed this poem, and yes, it was about vampires! I really appreciate the review.
love,
jeni
Comment from Pantygynt
Very quickly the astute reader will come to realisae that your maker here is more antichrist than god. the poem describes thew creation of the vampire breed as one imagines Bram Stoker would de if he had turned to poetry.
The sestina is acknowledged as one of the most difficult forms in which to write. I haven't written many but I did come to one important conclusion and that is to vary the parts of speech chosen for your six words. Most people choose all nouns, you have one pronoun which helps but it is a good idea to stick a couple of verbs in there as they help the enjambment along, and the enjambment helps to mask the repetition. You have managed some enjambment here but if you look at each line they are all stand alone statements or at least they could be.
This can make for a choppy feel to the piece which is undesirable over a poem as long as 39 lines. I am no expert but you might like to look at my portfolio -- books -- "Flat Packed Poetry" -- Chapters 4 & 5. Chapter 4 "To Write a Sestina" is a fun instructional but Chapter 5 "Where's the Love" is better formed probably because of the choice of those six words.
I can see that this was written some time ago, and maybe this advice is unecessary eight years on. If so I apologise.
You slip into an archaic style at the beginning of S2 and fall into a classic literary trap.
"You doth protest much," Doth was only used in the third person singular. I do, thou dost, he/she/it doth. (Methinks the lady doth protest too much -- Shakespeare, Hamlet 3.2) Elsewhere in the poem you are happy to use the modern versions. The rule is that if thou goest Goth thou shouldst stay Goth throughout but unless it is absolutely essential to do so I would advise against it as one tends to get tied up in all kinds of ancient styles. "You do protest..." would be fine here.
Anyone who attempts the form and gets it technically correct deserves a five star grade in my opinion.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Very quickly the astute reader will come to realisae that your maker here is more antichrist than god. the poem describes thew creation of the vampire breed as one imagines Bram Stoker would de if he had turned to poetry.
The sestina is acknowledged as one of the most difficult forms in which to write. I haven't written many but I did come to one important conclusion and that is to vary the parts of speech chosen for your six words. Most people choose all nouns, you have one pronoun which helps but it is a good idea to stick a couple of verbs in there as they help the enjambment along, and the enjambment helps to mask the repetition. You have managed some enjambment here but if you look at each line they are all stand alone statements or at least they could be.
This can make for a choppy feel to the piece which is undesirable over a poem as long as 39 lines. I am no expert but you might like to look at my portfolio -- books -- "Flat Packed Poetry" -- Chapters 4 & 5. Chapter 4 "To Write a Sestina" is a fun instructional but Chapter 5 "Where's the Love" is better formed probably because of the choice of those six words.
I can see that this was written some time ago, and maybe this advice is unecessary eight years on. If so I apologise.
You slip into an archaic style at the beginning of S2 and fall into a classic literary trap.
"You doth protest much," Doth was only used in the third person singular. I do, thou dost, he/she/it doth. (Methinks the lady doth protest too much -- Shakespeare, Hamlet 3.2) Elsewhere in the poem you are happy to use the modern versions. The rule is that if thou goest Goth thou shouldst stay Goth throughout but unless it is absolutely essential to do so I would advise against it as one tends to get tied up in all kinds of ancient styles. "You do protest..." would be fine here.
Anyone who attempts the form and gets it technically correct deserves a five star grade in my opinion.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you, thank you, thank you for this helpful review. I understand and appreciate all your suggestions. I am shortly going to try a Sestina using a verb or two as you suggested, and perhaps you would be willing to look at the poem and give me your thoughts on improvement prior to publishing. I tried to nominate you as a reviewer, but it wouldn't let me because I've already nominated you. You certainly deserve it.
Always,
luna
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Luna,
I am not familiar with sestina form but judging by your author notes you met all the requirements and then added your magic touch.You have an awesome style. It's dark and alluring but horrifying. Well done, my friend!
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Hello, Luna,
I am not familiar with sestina form but judging by your author notes you met all the requirements and then added your magic touch.You have an awesome style. It's dark and alluring but horrifying. Well done, my friend!
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for the lovely thoughts, Gypsy! I'm so happy that you enjoyed this work.
Happy holidays,
Jeni
Comment from DR DIP
Interesting poem with an interesting subject. I like your format and the use of non rhyming verse is effective. Thanks for sharing
dip
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Interesting poem with an interesting subject. I like your format and the use of non rhyming verse is effective. Thanks for sharing
dip
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you, dip, for reading my poem and leaving your kind review. I appreciate it so much.
Yours,
jeni
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written sestina. The lines flow well from the one to the next. The format as described is followed. We often ask why things happen like they do.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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A very well-written sestina. The lines flow well from the one to the next. The format as described is followed. We often ask why things happen like they do.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Dear Sandra,
Thanks so much for your complimentary and contemplative review. I wish you a happy and healthy holiday season!
Yours,
jeni
Comment from winnona
Another well-written poem. Your words flowed well, line to line combining and forming the message of the poem fpr the reader. Your artwork and background color completed the piece well.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Another well-written poem. Your words flowed well, line to line combining and forming the message of the poem fpr the reader. Your artwork and background color completed the piece well.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you, winnona, for another read and review. I'm happy that you enjoyed the read and the presentation, and I wish you a happy and healthy holiday season!
Yours,
Jeni
Comment from sunnilicious
That picture resembles me dressed as a zombie/vampire. I like it. Good tone set in the poem. Great visual imagery created. Good flow of rhythm and rhymes. Great storytelling in a poem. Great author notes. Keep up the great work.
Merry Christmas
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That picture resembles me dressed as a zombie/vampire. I like it. Good tone set in the poem. Great visual imagery created. Good flow of rhythm and rhymes. Great storytelling in a poem. Great author notes. Keep up the great work.
Merry Christmas
Comment Written 20-Dec-2016
Comment from Mastery
Wow! This is totally different, Jeni. I don't know as I have seen a sestina before. The subject matter is quite alarming and scary though. Impressive imagery and use of adjectives all the way through. Well written for sure.
Happy Holidays, my friend. Bob
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Wow! This is totally different, Jeni. I don't know as I have seen a sestina before. The subject matter is quite alarming and scary though. Impressive imagery and use of adjectives all the way through. Well written for sure.
Happy Holidays, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 20-Dec-2016
