Luna's Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Dreamy"a place to gather my poetic forms
47 total reviews
Comment from kiwisteveh
Hi, Jeni. Interesting form, and I appreciate the sense of calm and peacefulness you attempt to imbue this piece with. There are some lovely lines:
breathe peace deep inside your stillness
rest your head in clover
hear the hum
of nature in her sleepiness
However, the closer I look at this, the more little things I see that seem just a tiny bit wrong.
For me shining/moving is not a rhyme pair. Sure, they both end in -ing, but the stress falls on the syllable before - the -ing is almost unheard
It's night-time, yet you send your protagonist outside to rest in the clover - possible, I guess, but then there is nature making a hum, which seems more appropriate to mid-day.
S/he is lying (presumably) in the clover, but the moonbeam is falling just ahead of hos/her feet, suggesting standing.
'lair' almost always has negative connotations - wild beasts and all...
If the two angels are 'by your side' then how can they be 'over there'
All little things, as I said, but they combine to cost you a star, I'm afraid.
Steve
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Hi, Jeni. Interesting form, and I appreciate the sense of calm and peacefulness you attempt to imbue this piece with. There are some lovely lines:
breathe peace deep inside your stillness
rest your head in clover
hear the hum
of nature in her sleepiness
However, the closer I look at this, the more little things I see that seem just a tiny bit wrong.
For me shining/moving is not a rhyme pair. Sure, they both end in -ing, but the stress falls on the syllable before - the -ing is almost unheard
It's night-time, yet you send your protagonist outside to rest in the clover - possible, I guess, but then there is nature making a hum, which seems more appropriate to mid-day.
S/he is lying (presumably) in the clover, but the moonbeam is falling just ahead of hos/her feet, suggesting standing.
'lair' almost always has negative connotations - wild beasts and all...
If the two angels are 'by your side' then how can they be 'over there'
All little things, as I said, but they combine to cost you a star, I'm afraid.
Steve
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Dear Steve, thank you very much for you read and thorough review, but I'm afraid I'll have to accept the "needs work" review with gratitude.
I did change the last line to "ever" there, however the rest of my poem will stand.
Heres what I was thinking as I wrote :
I've lain in the clover many a night in my life and I've found the Hum of nature to be much more evident in the night than the day. The wind in the trees, animals scurrying through the cornfields, the chirp of the crickets and the hoot of the owl.
In my mind the moombeam did fall in front of her feet and she was urged to rise from her prone position.
Fair, most often has a pleasant connotation actually. I've included an except from its definition of "fair". You can check it yourself but I read nothing ugly or about any kind of beast in the definition.
"Tall, beautiful, fair, his appearance was greeted with a low hum of admiration and anxiety.?
?Always one of the festival's more popular events, people can catch up with all the fair ladies at the various events over the coming days.?
?Elves were once known, even by humans, to be a fair and beautiful race of species.?
?Its silver reflection lay delicately on the calm, deep blue water, like the shimmering gown of a fair lady.?
?It gave a beautiful song in its fair voice, but in the middle of its song, it suddenly stopped.?
As for the "ing" words, the rhyming dictionary that has served me well for many a year stated the words rhyme. I'm sorry your ear couldn't hear the stress on the first syllables; a difference in hearing. My ears hear the stress clearly, and the dictionary shows the words with the stress on syllable one .
I truly think our differences about my work are a matter of two different visions or interpretations, and that's why I've bored you with this lengthy reply, only so you could understand was in my head.
Blessings and happy holidays! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
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Yes, of course we can disagree on interpretation. However, you have mistaken two of my points - I know 'fair' has pleasant connotations, but the word I was talking about was 'lair'. Not sure that 'fair' was even in the poem...
The other point was whether 'shining' and 'moving' rhyme. Yes, the stress is on the first syllable - that's what I was saying, and that's why they don't rhyme - 'shine' does not rhyme with 'move' and just adding the unstressed syllable 'ing' to the end of them does not make them rhyme. Are you (and your rhyming dictionary) really saying that any two words ending on -ing rhyme?
Good on you for sticking up for the other points - they ARE matters of interpretation, but on these two I'll stick to my guns.
Have a great day.
Steve
Comment from Heather Knight
Funny! I had never seen this form before, but today this is the second one I've read. The other person said she had been inspired by you.
You've written another lovely poem about dreaming. A great subject for poetry.
Thanks for sharing.
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Funny! I had never seen this form before, but today this is the second one I've read. The other person said she had been inspired by you.
You've written another lovely poem about dreaming. A great subject for poetry.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
Comment from trumby
A nicely written poem. The image you choose perfectly match with the poem, your words are beautiful, flow smoothly. This is an interesting and enjoyable poem to read. Thanks for sharing. Merry Christmas!
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A nicely written poem. The image you choose perfectly match with the poem, your words are beautiful, flow smoothly. This is an interesting and enjoyable poem to read. Thanks for sharing. Merry Christmas!
Comment Written 14-Dec-2016
Comment from oliver818
I like this poem, it has lovely rhythm and flow, and the imagery is wonderful. Thanks for sharing and have a great day.
Oliver
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I like this poem, it has lovely rhythm and flow, and the imagery is wonderful. Thanks for sharing and have a great day.
Oliver
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
Comment from Thal1959
Very well done, with good rhymes. The sentiment of the poem is charming. The rhythm maintains itself, as long as one realizes the nature of the Tri-Fall, though there is one area where the beat stammers. As a comparison, consider this line,
"come now, best get moving ~
it's your dream
time to climb to your lunar seat"
The second line, "it's your dream," refers to the notion of the preceding and proceeding lines, but it is an expression that can stand alone. So, even though it has the necessary truncated three syllables, it maintains the beat started by the three syllable lines in the previous stanza. But here is where the comparison comes in...
"celestial beings all
around you ~
this is true love's heavenly lair
don't worry, you won't fall ~
there are two
angels by your side over there "
here, the short footed line, "around you" and "there are two" stall the beat mentally because they are not independent thoughts like the previous three syllable lines. "Around you" is grammatically a part of the previous line; "celestial beings all around you ~" The same is true of "there are two" which is grammatically a part of "angels by your side over there" --- "there are two angels by your side over there " When the three syllable line is dependent grammatically of either the preceding or following line, the reader must read the two lines as one. Therefore, "celestial beings all around you ~" does not read as two verses of six syllables followed by three, it reads as a single 9 syllable sentence. Likewise, the last two lines of the last stanza, "there are two angels by your side over there" does not read as two verses of three and eight syllables, but as a single 11 syllable sentence. These two lines, which are a grammatical extension of a preceding or following line, break the rhythm that the previous two stanzas created. This is because the previous stanza's three syllable lines, like the comparison example, make reference to the other lines, and are independent. So, the mind reads them independently, whereas the last stanza's three syllable lines must be read in conjunction with the sentence they are dependent to.
I know this might sound a bit complicated, but it is the difference between how the mind processes separate individual statements from singular, complete sentences that alters the beat. But always remember that all reviews are personal opinion. Your poem is still very fine as it is.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Very well done, with good rhymes. The sentiment of the poem is charming. The rhythm maintains itself, as long as one realizes the nature of the Tri-Fall, though there is one area where the beat stammers. As a comparison, consider this line,
"come now, best get moving ~
it's your dream
time to climb to your lunar seat"
The second line, "it's your dream," refers to the notion of the preceding and proceeding lines, but it is an expression that can stand alone. So, even though it has the necessary truncated three syllables, it maintains the beat started by the three syllable lines in the previous stanza. But here is where the comparison comes in...
"celestial beings all
around you ~
this is true love's heavenly lair
don't worry, you won't fall ~
there are two
angels by your side over there "
here, the short footed line, "around you" and "there are two" stall the beat mentally because they are not independent thoughts like the previous three syllable lines. "Around you" is grammatically a part of the previous line; "celestial beings all around you ~" The same is true of "there are two" which is grammatically a part of "angels by your side over there" --- "there are two angels by your side over there " When the three syllable line is dependent grammatically of either the preceding or following line, the reader must read the two lines as one. Therefore, "celestial beings all around you ~" does not read as two verses of six syllables followed by three, it reads as a single 9 syllable sentence. Likewise, the last two lines of the last stanza, "there are two angels by your side over there" does not read as two verses of three and eight syllables, but as a single 11 syllable sentence. These two lines, which are a grammatical extension of a preceding or following line, break the rhythm that the previous two stanzas created. This is because the previous stanza's three syllable lines, like the comparison example, make reference to the other lines, and are independent. So, the mind reads them independently, whereas the last stanza's three syllable lines must be read in conjunction with the sentence they are dependent to.
I know this might sound a bit complicated, but it is the difference between how the mind processes separate individual statements from singular, complete sentences that alters the beat. But always remember that all reviews are personal opinion. Your poem is still very fine as it is.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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It doesn't sound complicated at all, Thai. When I have a moment, I'll look at putting these revisions into place to better my poem. I certainly appreciate your fine suggestion, the time you took to read and review my work, and your continued attention to my portfolio.
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I appreciate your graceful responses. By the way, it Thal not Thai. (I took it from St. Thalelaeus, my patron saint.) Thanks.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good poem. I like the style it doesn't have a bunch of confusing rules. It seems that some readers are asked more to count syllables than to read the poem.
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A very good poem. I like the style it doesn't have a bunch of confusing rules. It seems that some readers are asked more to count syllables than to read the poem.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
Comment from AnnaLinda
Luna,
This is a very heavenly Tri-fall love poem you have composed.
It almost reads like a very good free verse poem....your rhymes
snuggle nicely in your beautiful imagery.
I like that you remind us of angels are always among us.
I like to talk to them:)
Lovely poem and presentation,
Linda
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Luna,
This is a very heavenly Tri-fall love poem you have composed.
It almost reads like a very good free verse poem....your rhymes
snuggle nicely in your beautiful imagery.
I like that you remind us of angels are always among us.
I like to talk to them:)
Lovely poem and presentation,
Linda
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
Comment from bertranclan
I got a lot of peaceful images in my mind from reading this poem. I applaud your Tri-Fall type of poem;I hardly ever follow rules. I just write what comes to mind. I appreciate your scheme, though. Well done.
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I got a lot of peaceful images in my mind from reading this poem. I applaud your Tri-Fall type of poem;I hardly ever follow rules. I just write what comes to mind. I appreciate your scheme, though. Well done.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
Comment from Pantygynt
I find this a fascinating form and the content is poetical indeed. I came upon this first earlier on this morning and I have pondered it on and off all day, wondering why, when it ought to work for me it doesn't. I think I have it sorted in my mind so here goes.
I want to start with the definition "meter 6/3/8/6/3/8." What you are actually describing here is not meter but syllabic construction. It is a bit like saying this bag of potatoes weighs two foot six inches. The bag of potatoes may have a length of two foot six inches but it weighs two pounds ten ounces.
Now I am not just being pedantic here. In the first stanza the syllable count on each line follows your numbering and the first line's meter is trochaic trimeter, the second is catalectic trochaic dimeter, the third is trochaic tetrameter, the fourth and fifth lines follow exactly the pattern of the first and second but the sixth is an iambic tetrameter.
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with the idea of mixed meter, and this stanza works rhythmically. the problem comes with the next two stanzas because the do not fall into the same rhythmic patter.
It may be that the form is not metrical but defined purely by syllabic count, the fault then becomes its lapse into a strong metrical rhythm in the first stanza, and a more chaotic meter in the subsequent stanzas. It can be as difficult to write non-metrically as it is is to write metrically. I hope I have made myself clear here. if no meter is intended as I think is the case then no meter should be apparent. It would be so much easier if you could here me read the first stanza metrically, and then be incapable of that with the other two stanzas.
I am not going to grade this less than five but I would recommend that the first stanza be rewritten with the meter broken up somewhat and the form defined as having a syllable count of... rather than meter...
The alternative would be to rewrite the second and third stanzas in the same metrical pattern as the first, but I do not think that is the aim of the form's creator.
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I find this a fascinating form and the content is poetical indeed. I came upon this first earlier on this morning and I have pondered it on and off all day, wondering why, when it ought to work for me it doesn't. I think I have it sorted in my mind so here goes.
I want to start with the definition "meter 6/3/8/6/3/8." What you are actually describing here is not meter but syllabic construction. It is a bit like saying this bag of potatoes weighs two foot six inches. The bag of potatoes may have a length of two foot six inches but it weighs two pounds ten ounces.
Now I am not just being pedantic here. In the first stanza the syllable count on each line follows your numbering and the first line's meter is trochaic trimeter, the second is catalectic trochaic dimeter, the third is trochaic tetrameter, the fourth and fifth lines follow exactly the pattern of the first and second but the sixth is an iambic tetrameter.
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with the idea of mixed meter, and this stanza works rhythmically. the problem comes with the next two stanzas because the do not fall into the same rhythmic patter.
It may be that the form is not metrical but defined purely by syllabic count, the fault then becomes its lapse into a strong metrical rhythm in the first stanza, and a more chaotic meter in the subsequent stanzas. It can be as difficult to write non-metrically as it is is to write metrically. I hope I have made myself clear here. if no meter is intended as I think is the case then no meter should be apparent. It would be so much easier if you could here me read the first stanza metrically, and then be incapable of that with the other two stanzas.
I am not going to grade this less than five but I would recommend that the first stanza be rewritten with the meter broken up somewhat and the form defined as having a syllable count of... rather than meter...
The alternative would be to rewrite the second and third stanzas in the same metrical pattern as the first, but I do not think that is the aim of the form's creator.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a lovely poem, Luna. I enjoyed this, I like poetry about the moon, and it's very apt for someone whose writers name is Luna. I liked this style as well. How many is that you have mastered now? They are all lovely. Well done. :) Sandra xxx
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That was a lovely poem, Luna. I enjoyed this, I like poetry about the moon, and it's very apt for someone whose writers name is Luna. I liked this style as well. How many is that you have mastered now? They are all lovely. Well done. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 13-Dec-2016
