GULBRANDR- God's Sword
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Taken"A child is born who will be a champion
13 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good elements of character description introduced early on in a very organic manner rather than an info dump.
A tall figure stepped from the light and it followed him as he walked towards Nyla. He was radiant white from the top of his head to the heel of his soft kid boots - the paragraph that start with this line could use a little bit of work. We are immediately told he's radiant white here, so all the other references to white are a little redundant in what follows [blazing white hair, white fur]. His features are hard to see but has piercing blue eyes a moment later. Also his skin was tanned but he's white all over. These may seem incidental but a few tweaks make everything gel more. (white is used as the descriptor four times)
His words made her stiffen a bit. "Of course I came. I'm no fool." He smiled at this - Nyla's dialogue should be on a separate line as it's muddled in with the man's actions and as such feels more like his dialogue rather than hers as it isn't differentiated. Different subject.
Tears snaked their way don't her cheeks into the corners of the mouth. - down her cheeks.
she felt as if her knees / She heard a whimper / saw four glowing eyes - I highlighted these as they are indicative of telling over showing. You aren't engaging he reader in the feelings and emotions but rather telling them they exist. This is fine in balance but also something to be careful of. Writing around these can make the writing more dynamic and immersive.
You really should decide what to do with a piece before posting it up. There isn't much investment in a piece on the side of the reader if it doesn't go anywhere. There are good threads in here to pull at for a longer or full length piece.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
   |
Hi there,
Good elements of character description introduced early on in a very organic manner rather than an info dump.
A tall figure stepped from the light and it followed him as he walked towards Nyla. He was radiant white from the top of his head to the heel of his soft kid boots - the paragraph that start with this line could use a little bit of work. We are immediately told he's radiant white here, so all the other references to white are a little redundant in what follows [blazing white hair, white fur]. His features are hard to see but has piercing blue eyes a moment later. Also his skin was tanned but he's white all over. These may seem incidental but a few tweaks make everything gel more. (white is used as the descriptor four times)
His words made her stiffen a bit. "Of course I came. I'm no fool." He smiled at this - Nyla's dialogue should be on a separate line as it's muddled in with the man's actions and as such feels more like his dialogue rather than hers as it isn't differentiated. Different subject.
Tears snaked their way don't her cheeks into the corners of the mouth. - down her cheeks.
she felt as if her knees / She heard a whimper / saw four glowing eyes - I highlighted these as they are indicative of telling over showing. You aren't engaging he reader in the feelings and emotions but rather telling them they exist. This is fine in balance but also something to be careful of. Writing around these can make the writing more dynamic and immersive.
You really should decide what to do with a piece before posting it up. There isn't much investment in a piece on the side of the reader if it doesn't go anywhere. There are good threads in here to pull at for a longer or full length piece.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
-
Hi, Thanks so much for all the great advice. I did wonder about some of the things you brought up. Maybe I should have gone with my gut. I made changes so hope it's a better story. I do already have part 2 done but must go over it one hundred thousand times before posting.I have always written like this, I just start writing and see where it goes. Sometimes it's nowhere. Thank you again and Happy Thanksgiving.
Comment from Bryana
This is rather different but interesting.
When there's children and dogs in a story
it's always interesting.
I will be waiting for the next chapter.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
|
This is rather different but interesting.
When there's children and dogs in a story
it's always interesting.
I will be waiting for the next chapter.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Comment Written 23-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2016
-
Thank you so much. There will be more about the dog and baby soon. I have part 2 done but must go over it like a million times before posting. You have a wonderful Thanksgiving too.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
It sounds like you have the beginnings of a great book. You've set a stage with a child being given to a man in white, and that she had no choice but to give him up. There are many directions you could go with this, and I think you should explore them.
Nice start,
Rhonda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
|
It sounds like you have the beginnings of a great book. You've set a stage with a child being given to a man in white, and that she had no choice but to give him up. There are many directions you could go with this, and I think you should explore them.
Nice start,
Rhonda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2016
-
Thank you. It is starting to take shape and I have already written part 2. I'm sure you can't wait. =} Thanks for the encouragement. Rox
-
Oh great! Can't wait. Bring it on!