Eye Remember
Are transplants safe?25 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, April This is an excellent premise for a book or short story. You basically have a great writer's "voice" too.
I liked this summation: "A young man sat on a weather- beaten log about five feet from Johnny. The boy's hair was black and a little long; he wore a denim shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy boots. He would have been a very handsome fellow but for one thing: there were two black holes where his eyes should have been. Horrified, Johnny tried to run and found himself paralyzed." (Bravo!)
Suggestions: Is the first paragraph a telling of the last cahpter, april? If it is or if it is a summary of the story either way, label it as such, otherwise it is simply a "telling" paragraph and we both know when we write we need to "show" the story rather than "tell" it.
And: "Finally, the last piece of tape comes loose and Johnny slowly opens his eyes to--darkness-" Eliminate the adverb, "slowly" You don't need it. In fact use adverbs very sparingly per the expersts. they are the "dandelions" of good writing.
Also: "like heroin to a dope addict." (drug addict sounds better, I think.)
I have a list here that I use, perhaps you will find it useful. It is from the famous writer Elmore Leonard who died last year:
Perhaps you'll find some help in his 10 tricks for good writing: *
Never open a book with weather.
Avoid prologues.
Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"...he admonished gravely.
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
Bless you, April. Keep at it. Bob
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Hi, April This is an excellent premise for a book or short story. You basically have a great writer's "voice" too.
I liked this summation: "A young man sat on a weather- beaten log about five feet from Johnny. The boy's hair was black and a little long; he wore a denim shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy boots. He would have been a very handsome fellow but for one thing: there were two black holes where his eyes should have been. Horrified, Johnny tried to run and found himself paralyzed." (Bravo!)
Suggestions: Is the first paragraph a telling of the last cahpter, april? If it is or if it is a summary of the story either way, label it as such, otherwise it is simply a "telling" paragraph and we both know when we write we need to "show" the story rather than "tell" it.
And: "Finally, the last piece of tape comes loose and Johnny slowly opens his eyes to--darkness-" Eliminate the adverb, "slowly" You don't need it. In fact use adverbs very sparingly per the expersts. they are the "dandelions" of good writing.
Also: "like heroin to a dope addict." (drug addict sounds better, I think.)
I have a list here that I use, perhaps you will find it useful. It is from the famous writer Elmore Leonard who died last year:
Perhaps you'll find some help in his 10 tricks for good writing: *
Never open a book with weather.
Avoid prologues.
Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"...he admonished gravely.
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
Bless you, April. Keep at it. Bob
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Bob. I'm taking a writing course right now and one thing I just read is a writer can tell and show. More show than tell. How would I go about labeling the first paragraph as telling what the story is about? Is there something I should add or take away? I can't add any more because of the word limit. You are a master writer and your input means the world to me. Thanks for the list too. I will take the word suddenly out of the story. Have you read the new book by Michael & Kathleen O'Neal Gear titled People of the Songtrail? I would like to know what you think of the descriptions in their book. It is filled with descriptive phrases.
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Unless you want a surprise ending the paragraph I quoted in my review where the boy is sitting on a log would be an excellent opening "hook" (and it is showing) basically. Or you could use this for an opener and not worry at all about any of it:
"Born blind, Johnny has never looked upon his mother's face in his nineteen years on earth;"
You are right there is some telling allowed of course. I am speaking of people who tell everything and describe nothing....know what I mean. Images are vital in writing. For instance if two people are sitting on the porch talking...extend that in some way. Let's say it's Pete and Mary ann. Have Pete hike up his baggy pants before he sits down with a groan. His flabby arms dangled from the arms of his rocker. It was hot and Mary Ann blew a few loose strands of hair away from her eyes as she squinted at the bright sun. Understand....? building images in the readers mind. :) Bob
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I like the story for this one. Quite inventive and generally well-told - a few little things to look at
Johnny blinks his new eyes - possibly blinks to clear his new eyes as eyes don't blink.
the ghosts become doctors and nurses, another is his father - how would he know this is his father as he hasn't spoken yet? It could just be another person in the room, another doctor perhaps.
"Probably a reporter wanting to know if the eye transplant was successful," Johnny thought to himself - it would probably be better to use a different form of marks for thought to differentiate it from speech such as the single marks.
Johnny a high; like heroin - this is a continued simile and doesn't need the semi-colon.
sixteen- year- old - delete the spaces after the hyphens.
(how do I know his name, Johnny thought - this should have a question mark.
Horrified, Johnny turned to run and found himself paralyzed - how did he turn if he was paralysed? perhaps use tried instead to turned.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Hi there,
I like the story for this one. Quite inventive and generally well-told - a few little things to look at
Johnny blinks his new eyes - possibly blinks to clear his new eyes as eyes don't blink.
the ghosts become doctors and nurses, another is his father - how would he know this is his father as he hasn't spoken yet? It could just be another person in the room, another doctor perhaps.
"Probably a reporter wanting to know if the eye transplant was successful," Johnny thought to himself - it would probably be better to use a different form of marks for thought to differentiate it from speech such as the single marks.
Johnny a high; like heroin - this is a continued simile and doesn't need the semi-colon.
sixteen- year- old - delete the spaces after the hyphens.
(how do I know his name, Johnny thought - this should have a question mark.
Horrified, Johnny turned to run and found himself paralyzed - how did he turn if he was paralysed? perhaps use tried instead to turned.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you again, my friend. I watch for your reviews and your help. It is little things but it makes a difference.
Comment from barkingdog
To be haunted by the boy whose eyes you have was a very good story for the contest. The things he keep seeing were the memories David had.
Well, done.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. He died the year my son was born.
:) e
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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To be haunted by the boy whose eyes you have was a very good story for the contest. The things he keep seeing were the memories David had.
Well, done.
I'm so sorry to hear about your son. He died the year my son was born.
:) e
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you. No, David is the boy who shot him. I never said what the dead boy's name was because Johnny didn't know his name.
Comment from Kelly2
Hi there,
This is such a wonderful story, made even more exceptional by your author notes at the end. To be able to come back with a message is something I often wish for from my loved ones who are no longer here. You have expressed that yearning in a way that is so heart warming.
You truly captured how I would imagine a person born blind and now able to see would view the world. The colors he had to learn words for, the beauty of the world that captivated him.
There was a story similar to this, insofar as the person who received the donated eyes became the person. I think it was a Twilight Zone from the 80s. But still, you made this story very special and unique. All the boy wanted was to say goodbye. I'm sure your son would have wanted the same thing.
Nice Artwork and fantastic title!
Thank you for sharing something so close to your heart.
Kelly
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Hi there,
This is such a wonderful story, made even more exceptional by your author notes at the end. To be able to come back with a message is something I often wish for from my loved ones who are no longer here. You have expressed that yearning in a way that is so heart warming.
You truly captured how I would imagine a person born blind and now able to see would view the world. The colors he had to learn words for, the beauty of the world that captivated him.
There was a story similar to this, insofar as the person who received the donated eyes became the person. I think it was a Twilight Zone from the 80s. But still, you made this story very special and unique. All the boy wanted was to say goodbye. I'm sure your son would have wanted the same thing.
Nice Artwork and fantastic title!
Thank you for sharing something so close to your heart.
Kelly
Comment Written 20-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I guess I never read the story you mentioned. It sounds interesting, though. Glad you liked the story.
Comment from johngie
Very well written. I loved your story. Your writing is coming along nicely. I could see this expanding into a book. Keep up the great work.
Love you
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Very well written. I loved your story. Your writing is coming along nicely. I could see this expanding into a book. Keep up the great work.
Love you
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Angie. I have a long way to go. At least I can spot a lot of things that need to be refined in my writing. I have some clutter in this story and some other errors but now I can pick them out. The course I'm taking is very helpful. Love Ya, Auntie.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
I hate word count and other restrictions. I thought writing was suppossed to mean freedom. I could keep reading as much of this story as you could write. Sad about yoyr son.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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I hate word count and other restrictions. I thought writing was suppossed to mean freedom. I could keep reading as much of this story as you could write. Sad about yoyr son.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you. I will have enough time on FanStory before long so they will let me revise the story and present it again. It needs so much more detail and description to make it a truly good story. Glad you enjoyed it as it is.
Comment from Jay Squires
A very layered, complex piece of flash-fiction. Most are unilineal with a twist at the end. Yours is a very sophisticated structure, and a fine addition to the contest. Not an easy story to write, given your personal loss. My heart goes out to you. Good luck on the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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A very layered, complex piece of flash-fiction. Most are unilineal with a twist at the end. Yours is a very sophisticated structure, and a fine addition to the contest. Not an easy story to write, given your personal loss. My heart goes out to you. Good luck on the contest.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2016
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Thank you. My son died in 1985 so the hurt is not as raw as it was. The pain never goes away but it gets bearable. This story is purely fictional, of course. I just based it on my son's hunting accident. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Ulla
What a wonderful story, and how difficult it must have been for you to write this, now that I've read your notes. I'm so touched. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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What a wonderful story, and how difficult it must have been for you to write this, now that I've read your notes. I'm so touched. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Most of this story is fiction, of course. I simply used my real life story to create this supernatural writing. I'm so glad you liked it.
Comment from crybry67
I'd gladly give six if I could. This is a wonderful story, very touching and very well written.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray God's strength and peace for you and your family.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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I'd gladly give six if I could. This is a wonderful story, very touching and very well written.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I pray God's strength and peace for you and your family.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you. The story is fiction, of course. I did lose my son in a long ago hunting accident and simply built this fiction story off that real life incident. Thank you fro reading and commenting.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
A riveting flash fiction, with a personal influence that only makes it more impactful for the reader. If they didn't know your story, they learned it from your notes. Executed with heart and palpable grief. Hugs.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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A riveting flash fiction, with a personal influence that only makes it more impactful for the reader. If they didn't know your story, they learned it from your notes. Executed with heart and palpable grief. Hugs.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2016
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Thank you. Yes, I took my real life story and made a fiction read out of it. I did lose my only son in a hunting accident in 1985. The name of the boy who shot him is not David.