Comment from Gloria ....

Exceptional

I guess these Prose Potlatches are broadening your horizons and that's great. This is a scary story, told in delicious leisure and all the while, Lucien, a very close name to Lucifer was luring her down into the boiler room with the promise of some incredible sex.

Some good strong imagery mixed in with a narrative that drives the plot forward. Realistic dialogue and a very apropos ending.

Boiler rooms are always terribly frightening are they not?

Best wishes to you in the contest. That's if anyone's still alive after reading this little beauty.

Excellent job,

Ange

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

There is no doubt that Potlatch has totally influenced my writing. I have all of it in mind now especially when I write prose. You're hitting on everything I was trying sooooo hard to accomplish. So I am just thrilled to hear your words.

Yep, I almost set myself on fire in a boiler room. She didn't complain though. A real trooper. LOL

I doubt I'll do well in the contest considering the category, but you're approval is a win for me.

Thanks for the help too, it got me on track. :))

Mav

Comment from Susanjohn

Exceptional

OMGOODNESSS i could NOT stop reading this!!! wow does this piece draw you in!!! Mikey it's so good...and seems a different form for you..but so what!!! its Good...I mean if you can hold MY attention...well then...there ya go!!! 6 stars buddy!!!!! love it...... perfectly creepy, sexy...the suspense!! is there a part 2?????????

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

I pride myself on my creepiness especially. LOL!! Wow. I'm so totally delighted you liked this. I'm not all that confident about my story telling skills, so this is a great boost to my confidence and my massive ego too!!!! I haven't thought about part 2. Maybe she should be redeemed, yes? Of course after a few thousand words of steamy decadence. Thanks trillions, mikey

reply by Susanjohn on 31-Aug-2016

You are a wonderful story teller!! and i mean it...not kidding about keeping my attention...I mean i have the attention span of a fruit fly.....bring on the steamy decadence!!!! and part 2...i mean it...think about it ok...maybe when you have time....but don't forget ( i won't) and will keep bugging you ( weekly) till you do!!! :-)

Comment from Sasha

Excellent

Drat, drat, and double drat, I am out of 6's and this definitely deserves one. You captured my full attention from the very beginning. I especially like how you describe the power Lucien had over her. Very well done and down right scary too. I found one minor spag: I would have run long age..I think you meant to say, 'ago' not age... This is a terrific entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

I'm just jazzed that you liked it. Wow. I'm not too confident about writing regular stories, I think you're the same way. :))
So, very thrilled you liked this. Thanks a million, mikey

reply by Sasha on 31-Aug-2016

I shy away from non-fiction but I may give it a shot one of these days.

Comment from brenda bickers

Excellent

Hi Mikey,
this was so captivating, you had me hooked straight away. She was either very brave or very stupid. Didn't the dismal house and the dodgy cheese tell her something. lol
A great entry for the contest.
Brenda:))x

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

Wow. That's so awesome to hear. I'm not all that secure about my story telling skills. So if you liked this, I'm beyond thrilled. Plus you sound very English with this review, I like that. :)) mikey

Comment from Ric Myworld

Excellent

Sometimes we just never know, and yes, some times we just don't want to admit. Thanks for sharing another of your of your fine stories. Great job. :-)

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

Hey, thanks a million, Ric. This is about as scary as I get. Not real good at scary, so I'm glad you enjoyed this. Dean would probably think of it as a nursery rhyme. HAHAHA! mikey

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A very well-written horror story and a warning to all the unhappy married ladies, rather go back home to your boring overweight husband than fall victim to a monster unknown.

I picked up a few minor typos:

2nd line par 1
careesed(caressed) by a breeze.

2nd line par 2

shadowed midnight {and} she'd come in Lucien's car {and,} she recalled, drop one (and)

2nd par last line:
Lucien and the(drop the) thought she could call a taxi if things became uncomfortable.


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

Good eyes, Sandra. I made those corrections. Yes, you always catch the point right away. You have it exactly. So pleased you enjoyed. Thanks a bunch, mikey

Comment from nordicgirl

Exceptional

Michael,

This is a big step up I think. A gripping story and it has such a professional feel to it. It is clear what is taking place, but that does`t lesdon how you capture the moral undertones involved. This just hammers the mind. Maybe your best. NG

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

Wow. No way. You think it's good? You do have the gist of what I was going for. That's awesome to hear. Well, I keep trying to figure out this writing thing. I'm learning. Glad you see some improvement. I do like to write whether it's good or not. Truly delighted you liked this. Thanks, michael

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Exceptional

Oh my dear friend this was absolutely wonderfully written. I will never look at an old hot staircase the same again.
No problems noted and the imagination yo have is the best.

 Comment Written 31-Aug-2016

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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016

Really? YAY!!! I'm never confident when I try and write a regular story. I'm afraid if I'm not telling jokes, everyone will fall asleep. LOL
I'm thrilled you enjoyed and love seeing the galaxy of stars too.
Mikey xxoo