Selections For Book Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 60 "A Day and Night Dream"possible selections for inclusion in book project
19 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Brother Mike,
Wow! This was a challenge to review. LOL But so goddamn beautiful.
To start off ... the presentation is stunning. Black and Blue are my favorite colors. The woman is a firmament, a constellation, a universe. She is everything he desires and lives for. She is his world.
When I have a delicious dream, I don't want to wake up and I linger in bed holding on to the edge of it, not wanting to let it go. When it does go, I reminisce and relieve the memory of my delicious dream ... over and over ... good to the last drop. It's ... yeah.
I get it.
Dreams ARE mysterious. I used to keep a dream journal and as soon as I woke up I wrote my dream down before it evaporated into thin air. Out of those dreams came through many poems and truths and lies about a love that could not be ... at least ... it should not had been. But I refused to let it go. I focused with all my mind, heart, and soul to MAKE IT happen ... and it did. That was a long time ago. It was a life lesson and it proved to me that the karma thing.. it's true.
Part of it was extremely good. It was wild passion, the kind you see in the movies, but people got hurt and I paid for their pain ten times fold. Karma is a bitch.
One has to be careful when forcing a dream come true. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, it may come true.
'' Doubt's truth/ Creator of scenarios/ Each with their own reality'' This is so true. I have suffered so much by doubt's demon.
''...a pillar of salt...'' is that a reference to the bible's story about Sodom and Gomorra?
You know the one, a woman turned around because she was curious, although she knew she was not supposed to and she knew she would turn into salt...but she did anyway. Is that it?
''An ocean never flows through a valley void of tomorrows...'' I wonder...an ocean is contained. A valley voids of tomorrows...a dead valley? It's a hopeless situation? A place? I wonder.
Heaven or paradise mean a reward and a place of pure delight... a promise, or perhaps just an illusion of a reality he want so bad he can almost taste it. His object of obsession (she) is beautiful but she is cold... empty ... she lacks emotion... perhaps..., even though she is beautiful, she can be a cold bitch....perhaps.
A snowflake is beautiful and one of a kind, but is also cold.
Warmth comes from somewhere, of course. My guess is that your protagonist (he) is someone warm and loving. He is a person full of love and passion to the rim, even flowing over the edge.
The mountainside could be a wall of protection. Some people build a wall for protection and that cold exterior is the receptacle of a passion...perhaps. Maybe the cold bitch is not so cold after all.
It's a drop of melted snow... the promise of heated passion. He waits for the little bits of love and passion that drip from that well guarded cold woman. To give him a small taste of what could be. It's the promise of more. It's the carrot before the carriage. It's the pack of lies and the aloof deception. It's a morsel of love. It's an empty promise ... or the illusion of it ...what we want to hear.
A dreamer is never practical and a passionate person melts the snow. Could be... he is a dreamer, an artist, a poet. He is not a practical man. But who wants practical when you can have hot sex with a poet? LoL
The promise... or the fantasy ... of a passionate culminating act of love ... that hot sex we all chase. Some pretend they don't want it or need it, but ... oh, yes, baby, we all want it and need it. Even the cold ones need it.
... I know your name... mmmm... perhaps is someone only he knows intimately... or at least ... since long ago.
Michael! My brother from another mother, this is incredible. It was hard to decipher but worth it. It's so beautiful. I am proud of you.
luv ya, sweetie pie.
sister gypsy
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
  |
Hello, Brother Mike,
Wow! This was a challenge to review. LOL But so goddamn beautiful.
To start off ... the presentation is stunning. Black and Blue are my favorite colors. The woman is a firmament, a constellation, a universe. She is everything he desires and lives for. She is his world.
When I have a delicious dream, I don't want to wake up and I linger in bed holding on to the edge of it, not wanting to let it go. When it does go, I reminisce and relieve the memory of my delicious dream ... over and over ... good to the last drop. It's ... yeah.
I get it.
Dreams ARE mysterious. I used to keep a dream journal and as soon as I woke up I wrote my dream down before it evaporated into thin air. Out of those dreams came through many poems and truths and lies about a love that could not be ... at least ... it should not had been. But I refused to let it go. I focused with all my mind, heart, and soul to MAKE IT happen ... and it did. That was a long time ago. It was a life lesson and it proved to me that the karma thing.. it's true.
Part of it was extremely good. It was wild passion, the kind you see in the movies, but people got hurt and I paid for their pain ten times fold. Karma is a bitch.
One has to be careful when forcing a dream come true. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, it may come true.
'' Doubt's truth/ Creator of scenarios/ Each with their own reality'' This is so true. I have suffered so much by doubt's demon.
''...a pillar of salt...'' is that a reference to the bible's story about Sodom and Gomorra?
You know the one, a woman turned around because she was curious, although she knew she was not supposed to and she knew she would turn into salt...but she did anyway. Is that it?
''An ocean never flows through a valley void of tomorrows...'' I wonder...an ocean is contained. A valley voids of tomorrows...a dead valley? It's a hopeless situation? A place? I wonder.
Heaven or paradise mean a reward and a place of pure delight... a promise, or perhaps just an illusion of a reality he want so bad he can almost taste it. His object of obsession (she) is beautiful but she is cold... empty ... she lacks emotion... perhaps..., even though she is beautiful, she can be a cold bitch....perhaps.
A snowflake is beautiful and one of a kind, but is also cold.
Warmth comes from somewhere, of course. My guess is that your protagonist (he) is someone warm and loving. He is a person full of love and passion to the rim, even flowing over the edge.
The mountainside could be a wall of protection. Some people build a wall for protection and that cold exterior is the receptacle of a passion...perhaps. Maybe the cold bitch is not so cold after all.
It's a drop of melted snow... the promise of heated passion. He waits for the little bits of love and passion that drip from that well guarded cold woman. To give him a small taste of what could be. It's the promise of more. It's the carrot before the carriage. It's the pack of lies and the aloof deception. It's a morsel of love. It's an empty promise ... or the illusion of it ...what we want to hear.
A dreamer is never practical and a passionate person melts the snow. Could be... he is a dreamer, an artist, a poet. He is not a practical man. But who wants practical when you can have hot sex with a poet? LoL
The promise... or the fantasy ... of a passionate culminating act of love ... that hot sex we all chase. Some pretend they don't want it or need it, but ... oh, yes, baby, we all want it and need it. Even the cold ones need it.
... I know your name... mmmm... perhaps is someone only he knows intimately... or at least ... since long ago.
Michael! My brother from another mother, this is incredible. It was hard to decipher but worth it. It's so beautiful. I am proud of you.
luv ya, sweetie pie.
sister gypsy
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Amazing interpretations. Much of this is exactly as intended and some of it is better actually and hadn't occurred to me. I've copied this to word so I can study it. What an amazing review. I'm truly pleased you liked this. This piece means the world to me and it's totally my style. Most of what I write is Fanstory stuff, nonets, sonnets, etc. I'm a free verser and THIS is my own personal style. So the fact you like this is a huge boost to me. Thanks trillions. mikey
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I'm a free verse girl. We have so much in common.:)
I honestly love it. I don't like structured poems. To me they take away from the beautiful raw meaning and emotion of a poem.
I feel that people in fanstory judge me for writing free verse. They think free verse is not real poetry. They have the idea that free verse is beneath them.
I base these thoughts on real statements made to me not my imagining.
When I took the meter class people told me, "now you will be a force not to......" What was I before the class?, "not rhyming is pure laziness", . Etc...
Your free verse is beautiful, meaningful, Passionate, mysterious, untamable, honest, raw,..... and so much more.
Comment from rama devi
Wow--this is awesome, mikey SO much substance and unique voicing too. I love the way you've used line breaks and indentation to sculpt the phrasing cadences and highlights and accents. Well done!
Especially like the personification here:
when force fights hope into a corner
preying with reality's many weapons
And, even more so, here:
mysterious time
no doubt oblivious
to itself
an unconscious irony
unaffected, for it will always be
The above could stand on it's own as a short poem.
THIS IS BRILLIANT and deeply insightful:
doubt's truth
creator of scenarios
each with their own reality
battles to the death
miracles of life redeemed
WOW!! What a medley of metaphors here:
ignorance
oxygen in water
water full of salt
salt absorbing water
heat evaporating the last drop
Absolutely stunning aptness!
Also awesome:
a pillar of salt remains
on the flats pointing to nowhere
an ocean never flows
through a valley void of tomorrows
Superb twist--like a volta:
but still
it never escapes me
when I dream
day and night
*
I close my eyes
and high upon the mountain
it is cold
I pause to consider
Heaven's lack of warmth
is it vacant ...
This is uniquely voiced. Up until this stanza, I felt the line breaks were absolutely perfect for the flow of the read. However, here, i felt the use of and in line two did not make a smooth enjambment. May I suggest some alternatives for your consideration--based on the rhythm of this read aloud (to my ear)?
I close my eyes, and
high upon the mountain
it is cold
or
I close my eyes
and
high upon the mountain
it is cold
Interesting and original:
the distraction rides a snowflake
carefully chosen from several
different from the others
special
Compelling:
warmth comes from somewhere
I believe it is inside of someone
LOVE THIS LINE:
and melting surprises the mountainside
Suggest highlighting it as a single-line stanza (just a thought).
This is good:
it shivers and comes to life
there is more warmth
more melting
more shivering
Good highlighting this ine:
I awaken and the dream continues
Wonderful:
I stand at the bottom of the cliff
looking up
the cliff is dry and lined with foliage
a drop of melted mountain snow
plunges from the cliff
to my waiting tongue
This is expressive:
I'm not practical
or even sensible
I understand frantic pursuit
I relish ultimate pleasure
loud joy
raucous release
LOVE THIS:
there are those who smile
remembering
still I dream
and it never escapes me
I found this shift from I to you confusing:
together
I pause to your surprise
I search for your soul
with deliberation I move
and urge you to move in response
There is no context for a YOU in the previous scenes in the poem. Felt this needs a smoother transition, but that might be just me. It's the reason I cannot give a six, but I don't have ant left, anyway. :) Perhaps having the I" POV in the poem wake up and see and 'YOU' there? Or does the 'YOU' arriving in the dream?
BEAUTIFUL:
focus
every cell connecting
acknowledging each connection
soul searing soul
slow circles
leaning far to the right
then the left
rising up and forward
connected and acknowledging
neither escaping
neither trapped
Love how you link the previous part of the poem with the snowflake and parallel the souls with the drop metaphor here:
another drop
another
a stream
a torrent
more than I can consume
I don't stop
OUTSTANDING EPIPHANY:
the mountain rumbles
the world buckles in laughter
doubt is unknown
time is unaware
AWESOME CLOSING:
I dream day and night
it never escapes me
I know your name
This is my favorite of all poems of yours. It should be published. Bravo.
IMPRESSED!
APPLAUSE!
STANDING OVATION!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
Wow--this is awesome, mikey SO much substance and unique voicing too. I love the way you've used line breaks and indentation to sculpt the phrasing cadences and highlights and accents. Well done!
Especially like the personification here:
when force fights hope into a corner
preying with reality's many weapons
And, even more so, here:
mysterious time
no doubt oblivious
to itself
an unconscious irony
unaffected, for it will always be
The above could stand on it's own as a short poem.
THIS IS BRILLIANT and deeply insightful:
doubt's truth
creator of scenarios
each with their own reality
battles to the death
miracles of life redeemed
WOW!! What a medley of metaphors here:
ignorance
oxygen in water
water full of salt
salt absorbing water
heat evaporating the last drop
Absolutely stunning aptness!
Also awesome:
a pillar of salt remains
on the flats pointing to nowhere
an ocean never flows
through a valley void of tomorrows
Superb twist--like a volta:
but still
it never escapes me
when I dream
day and night
*
I close my eyes
and high upon the mountain
it is cold
I pause to consider
Heaven's lack of warmth
is it vacant ...
This is uniquely voiced. Up until this stanza, I felt the line breaks were absolutely perfect for the flow of the read. However, here, i felt the use of and in line two did not make a smooth enjambment. May I suggest some alternatives for your consideration--based on the rhythm of this read aloud (to my ear)?
I close my eyes, and
high upon the mountain
it is cold
or
I close my eyes
and
high upon the mountain
it is cold
Interesting and original:
the distraction rides a snowflake
carefully chosen from several
different from the others
special
Compelling:
warmth comes from somewhere
I believe it is inside of someone
LOVE THIS LINE:
and melting surprises the mountainside
Suggest highlighting it as a single-line stanza (just a thought).
This is good:
it shivers and comes to life
there is more warmth
more melting
more shivering
Good highlighting this ine:
I awaken and the dream continues
Wonderful:
I stand at the bottom of the cliff
looking up
the cliff is dry and lined with foliage
a drop of melted mountain snow
plunges from the cliff
to my waiting tongue
This is expressive:
I'm not practical
or even sensible
I understand frantic pursuit
I relish ultimate pleasure
loud joy
raucous release
LOVE THIS:
there are those who smile
remembering
still I dream
and it never escapes me
I found this shift from I to you confusing:
together
I pause to your surprise
I search for your soul
with deliberation I move
and urge you to move in response
There is no context for a YOU in the previous scenes in the poem. Felt this needs a smoother transition, but that might be just me. It's the reason I cannot give a six, but I don't have ant left, anyway. :) Perhaps having the I" POV in the poem wake up and see and 'YOU' there? Or does the 'YOU' arriving in the dream?
BEAUTIFUL:
focus
every cell connecting
acknowledging each connection
soul searing soul
slow circles
leaning far to the right
then the left
rising up and forward
connected and acknowledging
neither escaping
neither trapped
Love how you link the previous part of the poem with the snowflake and parallel the souls with the drop metaphor here:
another drop
another
a stream
a torrent
more than I can consume
I don't stop
OUTSTANDING EPIPHANY:
the mountain rumbles
the world buckles in laughter
doubt is unknown
time is unaware
AWESOME CLOSING:
I dream day and night
it never escapes me
I know your name
This is my favorite of all poems of yours. It should be published. Bravo.
IMPRESSED!
APPLAUSE!
STANDING OVATION!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Wow. I'm speechless. I made those changes and they are a big help. Thank you.
This is the greatest review I've ever received. You understand every word of this to perfection. It's wonderful to be understood and it's even better from the very best reviewer I know of on Earth. I'm so pleased I don't know what to do. I guess I will applaud and stand myself. Thanks a trillion. I'll be happy the rest of the year. mikey
-
Thanks, Mikey, for your most gracious and enthusiastic response and kind compliments as well. I'm so happy you're happy! I am also answering the other reply here because my internet is slow to load pages. Thanks for the tips on how to embed fonts.
Big happy smiles,
rd
Comment from Ric Myworld
I don't know the first thing about poetry or its forms and styles, and honestly, never thought I cared to. I always considered poetry the ramblings of love sick fools, at least until some point during the last three years when I came to Fan Story. Now, thanks to you, and a few others, I want to learn the basics of understanding. Any particular books or online information you can recommend would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for sharing another fine poem. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
I don't know the first thing about poetry or its forms and styles, and honestly, never thought I cared to. I always considered poetry the ramblings of love sick fools, at least until some point during the last three years when I came to Fan Story. Now, thanks to you, and a few others, I want to learn the basics of understanding. Any particular books or online information you can recommend would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for sharing another fine poem. :-)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Honestly, the technical stuff is over-rated. This style doesn't have any rules at all actually. Free verse is no form at all, whatever the author decides. So anything goes. You either like it or you don't. LOL
So this one has perfect form. :))
For basic forms we have poetry dances right here. In the upper left hand corner I think is a drop down box and you can go to Fanart, Fanmusic or Poetry Dances. Poetry Dances has most of the basic forms with examples and brief descriptions. It's a good starting place. mikey
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a thrilling poem. It captured my attention and held it to the end. You choice of artwork and the color scheme compliment the writing; but it is the writing that is awesome. Well done.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
Excellent. This is a thrilling poem. It captured my attention and held it to the end. You choice of artwork and the color scheme compliment the writing; but it is the writing that is awesome. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
I'm so thrilled with your wonderful compliments and encouragement. Wow. I'm walking on air. thanks so very much, mikey
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh, my dear friend. My Mama said the way to know a person is through their doodles. For us it is our writing and this is an absolutely different side of the Mikey that I know, this will take some getting used to, but I have to say I like it. 'The mountain rumbles, the world buckles in laughter...'
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
Oh, my dear friend. My Mama said the way to know a person is through their doodles. For us it is our writing and this is an absolutely different side of the Mikey that I know, this will take some getting used to, but I have to say I like it. 'The mountain rumbles, the world buckles in laughter...'
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Hi there, Barb
So pleased you liked this. My free verse. This is what I normally do if I'm left to my own devices. LOL mikey
Comment from Taffspride
I enjoyed this so much Mikey, and have to say it really read aloud so well. You have a very strong (IMHO) contender for the Free Verse contest.
I enjoyed the entire poem, but these are the words that truly stood our for me.
I awaken and the dream continues
I stand at the bottom of the cliff
looking up
the cliff is dry and lined with foliage
a drop of melted mountain snow
plunges from the cliff
to my waiting tongue
Beautiful.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Iechyd da
Ann
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
I enjoyed this so much Mikey, and have to say it really read aloud so well. You have a very strong (IMHO) contender for the Free Verse contest.
I enjoyed the entire poem, but these are the words that truly stood our for me.
I awaken and the dream continues
I stand at the bottom of the cliff
looking up
the cliff is dry and lined with foliage
a drop of melted mountain snow
plunges from the cliff
to my waiting tongue
Beautiful.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Iechyd da
Ann
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
We'll see how it does. I'm just pleased it got a good response and you enjoyed it. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from krys123
Hello Mikey;
-I really like this poem as it is a reflection of dreams that are experienced both day and night in a realm of reality and unconsciousness. I like your poem very much but I must admit what I did not like is the fact that your lack of use of punctuation and proper definitive usage of periods in question marks did inhibit the proper response to the meaning and concept of your lines as though you would pay for granted that a reader would just respond in that manner. In a way kind of insulting but if that your style, so be it.
-Good use of alliteration and the reflection of tremendous metaphors throughout your writing.
-Your descriptiveness and expressiveness is both definitive and vivid and share an imagery that is conducive to wonderment.
-Like your formatted piece because of the black background in the blue words and especially the picture which is so appropriate and relative to the conceptual theme.
-Thanks for sharing Mikey and take care and have a good one.
Alex
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
Hello Mikey;
-I really like this poem as it is a reflection of dreams that are experienced both day and night in a realm of reality and unconsciousness. I like your poem very much but I must admit what I did not like is the fact that your lack of use of punctuation and proper definitive usage of periods in question marks did inhibit the proper response to the meaning and concept of your lines as though you would pay for granted that a reader would just respond in that manner. In a way kind of insulting but if that your style, so be it.
-Good use of alliteration and the reflection of tremendous metaphors throughout your writing.
-Your descriptiveness and expressiveness is both definitive and vivid and share an imagery that is conducive to wonderment.
-Like your formatted piece because of the black background in the blue words and especially the picture which is so appropriate and relative to the conceptual theme.
-Thanks for sharing Mikey and take care and have a good one.
Alex
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
I suppose it's a matter of taste. Many find punctuation distracting in a long free verse like this. Hopefully the layout and line breaks make it easy to follow. I hope so.
Thanks for the thorough review and suggestions. Always appreciated. Blessings, mikey
-
Very welcome Mikey and you are right sometimes punctuation does take away from the actual feeling of the writing. Yet for me I find it helpful in knowing where to pause are to express a certain emotion. Your right is a good person I guess. As a reviewer I tried to time to use the words may, hope, certainly, could, attend to use my own preference. If I had not done this I'm sorry. Take care and have a good one.
Alex
Alex
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written free verse poem. Interesting dream, of someone that are close to your heart. The dream is with you day and night, it seems to be a wonderful dream. I wish, that your dream will come true.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
|
A very well-written free verse poem. Interesting dream, of someone that are close to your heart. The dream is with you day and night, it seems to be a wonderful dream. I wish, that your dream will come true.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Thanks so much, Sandra
I too hope it comes true. How nice of you to say so. :))
Comment from TAB_that's me
Wow Mikey! Not sure what else to say - I'm still contemplating, pondering it. I felt the words deep inside. They almost make me weep.
Great alliteration, enjambment, and all that other poetic kind of stuff - lol.
teresa
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
 |
Wow Mikey! Not sure what else to say - I'm still contemplating, pondering it. I felt the words deep inside. They almost make me weep.
Great alliteration, enjambment, and all that other poetic kind of stuff - lol.
teresa
Comment Written 17-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2016
-
Wow. Thanks so much, Teresa. What a wonderful review. I'm so delighted to know it had such an affect. Thanks so much. mikey
