Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Regret"A true story
65 total reviews
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Ulla,
This is tight writing. I see very little SPAG. Description is excellent, pace is good, and Sue's characterization is quite good. To me, however, the story feels incomplete. Allow me to finish it for you.
He managed to turn away with a shrug of his shoulders, and with a quick wave of his arm he disappeared into the crowd, hoping against hope she hadn't seen the hurt deep in his eyes.
"Hey!" Sue screamed. "Not so fast! Get your butt back here!" She was running now, and people all about had stopped to view the spectacle. "Stop that man!" Sue commanded in a voice that seemed to come from some other woman, a prison matron perhaps. "The guy wearing the white Bermuda shorts!"
Sue couldn't believe her eyes. Several men moved toward Thomas, trapping him without laying a hand upon him. "What'd he do? Steal your purse?" a woman's voice asked, but Sue was sprinting now. Moments later, the two former lovers were face-to-face. Sue bent at the waist, taking huge gulps of air in an effort to catch her breath. Thomas's face had drained of color, and now matched his shorts.
"I beg your pardon!" Thomas rotated his upper body as if to break through the surrounding crowd. "This woman is mad. Move aside now!"
"You bet I'm mad!" Sue sputtered.
****************
Hmm. Should we give him a swift kick to the...
Lol, that was fun. I liked the story.
Write on,
Lana
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Hi Ulla,
This is tight writing. I see very little SPAG. Description is excellent, pace is good, and Sue's characterization is quite good. To me, however, the story feels incomplete. Allow me to finish it for you.
He managed to turn away with a shrug of his shoulders, and with a quick wave of his arm he disappeared into the crowd, hoping against hope she hadn't seen the hurt deep in his eyes.
"Hey!" Sue screamed. "Not so fast! Get your butt back here!" She was running now, and people all about had stopped to view the spectacle. "Stop that man!" Sue commanded in a voice that seemed to come from some other woman, a prison matron perhaps. "The guy wearing the white Bermuda shorts!"
Sue couldn't believe her eyes. Several men moved toward Thomas, trapping him without laying a hand upon him. "What'd he do? Steal your purse?" a woman's voice asked, but Sue was sprinting now. Moments later, the two former lovers were face-to-face. Sue bent at the waist, taking huge gulps of air in an effort to catch her breath. Thomas's face had drained of color, and now matched his shorts.
"I beg your pardon!" Thomas rotated his upper body as if to break through the surrounding crowd. "This woman is mad. Move aside now!"
"You bet I'm mad!" Sue sputtered.
****************
Hmm. Should we give him a swift kick to the...
Lol, that was fun. I liked the story.
Write on,
Lana
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Hi Lana, thanks a lot. I do appreciate your review and effort to write and ending to my story, but I've already decided to continue the story line as I've told most of my reviewers. So you'll probably see more of it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Dean Kuch
A VERY short story, Ulla? Micro fiction is my idea of a very short story, lol.
Still, coming in at just over 500 words, your story is not all that long, however.
Okay...enough about that...
He'd asked her what she was reading, and as she turned to see who was speaking, she almost fainted when she'd drowned in the dark pool of his laughing eyes. ...........O-h-h-h-h... Thomas must've been some dreamboat...if you're into guys, that is. This is merely an observation you understand...Ahem...
And now, here he was appearing from nowhere after all that time. There was no mistaking the wide set eyes, the square stubborn chin, and the dark hair; unruly as ever. How thin he'd become though. The sudden sadness that washed over her sent a sharp stab through her chest making her gasp for air. ........Yep, just as I suspected; a real ladies man. At least he was to your protagonist, Sue...
He managed to turn away with a shrug of his shoulders, and with a quick wave of his arm he walked away and disappeared into the crowd, hoping, against hope, she hadn't seen the deep hurt in his eyes. .............I guess Thomas was simply too proud to fess up to Sue what he'd actually had to endure. Pity, really. I think she'd understand. of course, I'm forever the optimist, aren't I? Heh-heh...
Sorry I don't have anything constructive to offer you, Ulla. But the fact is, I found nothing in this story that I would alter, or change in any way.
Well done...
~Dean :)
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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A VERY short story, Ulla? Micro fiction is my idea of a very short story, lol.
Still, coming in at just over 500 words, your story is not all that long, however.
Okay...enough about that...
He'd asked her what she was reading, and as she turned to see who was speaking, she almost fainted when she'd drowned in the dark pool of his laughing eyes. ...........O-h-h-h-h... Thomas must've been some dreamboat...if you're into guys, that is. This is merely an observation you understand...Ahem...
And now, here he was appearing from nowhere after all that time. There was no mistaking the wide set eyes, the square stubborn chin, and the dark hair; unruly as ever. How thin he'd become though. The sudden sadness that washed over her sent a sharp stab through her chest making her gasp for air. ........Yep, just as I suspected; a real ladies man. At least he was to your protagonist, Sue...
He managed to turn away with a shrug of his shoulders, and with a quick wave of his arm he walked away and disappeared into the crowd, hoping, against hope, she hadn't seen the deep hurt in his eyes. .............I guess Thomas was simply too proud to fess up to Sue what he'd actually had to endure. Pity, really. I think she'd understand. of course, I'm forever the optimist, aren't I? Heh-heh...
Sorry I don't have anything constructive to offer you, Ulla. But the fact is, I found nothing in this story that I would alter, or change in any way.
Well done...
~Dean :)
Comment Written 10-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Hahahaha, thanks a lot Dean, that you could find nothing to alter is a huge compliment. Thanks ever so much. All best. Ulla:))
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I'm sorry some of my review got lost in the fray, so to speak, Ulla. But it has been corrected now.
You are more than welcome.
~Dean :)
Comment from Bryana
My dear friend, I'm glad this is fiction because
I don't believe a man would walk away from the
woman he once loved. If he was in prison, he
should tell her, she would understand.
Un abrazo.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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My dear friend, I'm glad this is fiction because
I don't believe a man would walk away from the
woman he once loved. If he was in prison, he
should tell her, she would understand.
Un abrazo.
Comment Written 10-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Hola Bryana. Thanks a lot for this. I have decided to continue the story after almost everybody asking me to do so. It's probably a good idea. U abrazo a ti. Ulla:)))
Comment from Annette Gulliver
A lost lover appears out of nowhere, and the girl is overwhelmed with memories of their time together. She thinks that he had abandoned her long ago, but now he has returned to her.
He feels ashamed of being in prison for four years, and does not want her to know. Pride gets in the way of happiness, and he walks away, leaving her broken hearted. A sad misunderstanding.
A short story, but very well written, Ulla.
Annette
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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A lost lover appears out of nowhere, and the girl is overwhelmed with memories of their time together. She thinks that he had abandoned her long ago, but now he has returned to her.
He feels ashamed of being in prison for four years, and does not want her to know. Pride gets in the way of happiness, and he walks away, leaving her broken hearted. A sad misunderstanding.
A short story, but very well written, Ulla.
Annette
Comment Written 10-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Thanks ever so much Annette. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Curly Girly
In real life, I am sure this sort of thing happens from time to time, while others simply wish it.
Sue was sipping her hot cappuccino at the outdoor cafe
Suggest:
Sue sat outside the cafe, sipping a cappuccino
Thomas looked at Sue through a mist of tears
Thomas saw Sue through tearful vision
Shorter phrases are stronger.
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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In real life, I am sure this sort of thing happens from time to time, while others simply wish it.
Sue was sipping her hot cappuccino at the outdoor cafe
Suggest:
Sue sat outside the cafe, sipping a cappuccino
Thomas looked at Sue through a mist of tears
Thomas saw Sue through tearful vision
Shorter phrases are stronger.
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Thanks a lot Nicole, I'll have a look at it. All best. Ulla:))
Comment from GWHARGIS
Shoot, you can't leave it like that. What did he go away for? How did she not find out he was going to prison. Good descriptions. I like how you described her sitting at the cafe. I felt the sun and could smell the coffee. Great story. Gretchen
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Shoot, you can't leave it like that. What did he go away for? How did she not find out he was going to prison. Good descriptions. I like how you described her sitting at the cafe. I felt the sun and could smell the coffee. Great story. Gretchen
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Hi Gretchen, thanks a bunch for this. I've decided to continue the story. So many have asked me to. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Ulla,
as promised, hubby's dinner can wait a few minutes. It is steak they use for black eye's, isn't it. LOL
What a sad little story I do hope you write another chapter so that I get the happy ending I wanted.
How sad to be left without explanation and then spot him again after all those years.
I feel quite deflated now, which only goes to show that I was totally lost in your writing.
You write so well and make it such a pleasure to read.
Thanks for a wonderful read.
Brenda:))x
P.S off to cook dinner now. LOL
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Hi Ulla,
as promised, hubby's dinner can wait a few minutes. It is steak they use for black eye's, isn't it. LOL
What a sad little story I do hope you write another chapter so that I get the happy ending I wanted.
How sad to be left without explanation and then spot him again after all those years.
I feel quite deflated now, which only goes to show that I was totally lost in your writing.
You write so well and make it such a pleasure to read.
Thanks for a wonderful read.
Brenda:))x
P.S off to cook dinner now. LOL
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 09-May-2016
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Thank you so much for this Brenda. I am of course pleased that you liked it. Almost all my reviewers have asked me to continue the story and I'm giving in. I will try to do exactly that. Enjoy your dinner and thanks for reading and let your husband waiting in order to do that. hehe. All the best. Ulla:))x
Comment from TAB_that's me
This is a very good piece of flash fiction. I'd have a thing or two to say to Thomas (if he were real:)
I didn't see any spag and it held my attention.
teresa
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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This is a very good piece of flash fiction. I'd have a thing or two to say to Thomas (if he were real:)
I didn't see any spag and it held my attention.
teresa
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Thanks a lot Teresa.All the best Ulla:))
Comment from GeraldS
I had to think about this piece for a while after reading it before I could comment. I assume your very short story was crafted to highlight the emotion of regret. If so, it is very effectively shown in the last line where Thomas turns away with "deep hurt in his eyes." That's the regret I see and can feel to the extent that I can empathize with Thomas. I can't empathize a lot because I simply don't know this character very well.
I think your story tends to leave your readers hanging because just showing regret doesn't satisfactorily end this story to the reader's satisfaction.
Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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I had to think about this piece for a while after reading it before I could comment. I assume your very short story was crafted to highlight the emotion of regret. If so, it is very effectively shown in the last line where Thomas turns away with "deep hurt in his eyes." That's the regret I see and can feel to the extent that I can empathize with Thomas. I can't empathize a lot because I simply don't know this character very well.
I think your story tends to leave your readers hanging because just showing regret doesn't satisfactorily end this story to the reader's satisfaction.
Just my opinion, for what it's worth.
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Thanks a lot. I have decided to follow up on the story after many requests for doing so. All best. Ulla:)
Comment from Cumbrianlass
NOOOOO! You can't leave it like that! I want to know more. There's a story here, larger than what you've shared. I do hope you explore it - take it further.
I made a few suggestions for tightening - hope it helps!
Thomas, her Thomas, she hadn't seen for close to four years. She remembered how they'd met in the bookshop round the corner. He'd asked her what she was reading, and as she turned to see who was speaking, she almost fainted when she'd drowned in the dark pool of his laughing eyes. - I think this could be tightened up a little:
Thomas. Her Thomas. She hadn't seen him in close to four years. They'd first met in the bookshop around the corner. He'd asked what she was reading, and she'd turned to see who was speaking, almost fainting as she drowned in the dark pool of his laughing eyes.
At first, she'd been devastated(,) not knowing what to make of it. Not a night went by when she didn't cry herself to sleep. -suggestion
and she'd learned to laugh () again.
through her chest making her gasp(.) - suggestion
Nice job, though! I hope you do more with this at some point in the future.
Av
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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NOOOOO! You can't leave it like that! I want to know more. There's a story here, larger than what you've shared. I do hope you explore it - take it further.
I made a few suggestions for tightening - hope it helps!
Thomas, her Thomas, she hadn't seen for close to four years. She remembered how they'd met in the bookshop round the corner. He'd asked her what she was reading, and as she turned to see who was speaking, she almost fainted when she'd drowned in the dark pool of his laughing eyes. - I think this could be tightened up a little:
Thomas. Her Thomas. She hadn't seen him in close to four years. They'd first met in the bookshop around the corner. He'd asked what she was reading, and she'd turned to see who was speaking, almost fainting as she drowned in the dark pool of his laughing eyes.
At first, she'd been devastated(,) not knowing what to make of it. Not a night went by when she didn't cry herself to sleep. -suggestion
and she'd learned to laugh () again.
through her chest making her gasp(.) - suggestion
Nice job, though! I hope you do more with this at some point in the future.
Av
Comment Written 09-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Avril, Thanks ever so much, and corrections made. I'm going to continue with this story, as I've had so many requests, but I don't know where it's going. The characters will have to lead the way. All the best. Ulla:)))
