Huntingdon Estate
200 word story14 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
A good short story, with good descriptions, and a nice twist at the end. However, there are a couple of places where I think you could strengthen the atmosphere created by focusing on more pertinent details (see suggestions for more detail).
Suggestions:
Daffodils braved the last frosts of winter.
--While I like the description of the garden, I think the story might benefit from your describing something which shows the condition of the estate (thereby foreshadowing the sale) instead. Something like a tumbled/damaged garden wall would show much more than the flowers.
stood , with an irritated gait,
--A gait is a style of walking, so can't be used when describing how someone is standing. 'Stance' would be a more appropriate word.
to Nordingham , on his nuptials to Lady Wolseley
--I don't think you need the comma here.
Mr Brummel, (the) family accountant,
Harriet had felt the weight of history
--In what way? I think, rather than mentioning her winning the Gold Cup when she was six, you'd be better off using the words from that paragraph to show the history associated with the family and estate. eg: there could be a plaque commemorating the date the house was built. That, in turn, would give the ending with her discovery of the for sale note far more impact.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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A good short story, with good descriptions, and a nice twist at the end. However, there are a couple of places where I think you could strengthen the atmosphere created by focusing on more pertinent details (see suggestions for more detail).
Suggestions:
Daffodils braved the last frosts of winter.
--While I like the description of the garden, I think the story might benefit from your describing something which shows the condition of the estate (thereby foreshadowing the sale) instead. Something like a tumbled/damaged garden wall would show much more than the flowers.
stood , with an irritated gait,
--A gait is a style of walking, so can't be used when describing how someone is standing. 'Stance' would be a more appropriate word.
to Nordingham , on his nuptials to Lady Wolseley
--I don't think you need the comma here.
Mr Brummel, (the) family accountant,
Harriet had felt the weight of history
--In what way? I think, rather than mentioning her winning the Gold Cup when she was six, you'd be better off using the words from that paragraph to show the history associated with the family and estate. eg: there could be a plaque commemorating the date the house was built. That, in turn, would give the ending with her discovery of the for sale note far more impact.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Great suggestions and encouragement - thanks for taking time out to do that -much appreciated zanya
Comment from Kooky Clown
I enjoyed this, a neat compact story with the prospects of maybe a follow up story at a later date. For me it had the potential there I think it was well written and as I say enjoyable, well done.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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I enjoyed this, a neat compact story with the prospects of maybe a follow up story at a later date. For me it had the potential there I think it was well written and as I say enjoyable, well done.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Thank you for reading and the encouraging words zanya
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well done. It's not easy to construct a whole story in only 200 words, but you've done it admirably. A few edits needed:
1) Paragraph 1 - typo - "...half-open (p)etals..."
2) no one 'stands' with a "gait" - a 'gait' implies a kind of movement - try instead something like this - "Her father, Sir Allingham, Lord of Huntingdon Estate stood impatiently, his air barely disguising his irritation."
3) space needed between the comma and "family accountant"...
Best of luck in the contest.
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reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Well done. It's not easy to construct a whole story in only 200 words, but you've done it admirably. A few edits needed:
1) Paragraph 1 - typo - "...half-open (p)etals..."
2) no one 'stands' with a "gait" - a 'gait' implies a kind of movement - try instead something like this - "Her father, Sir Allingham, Lord of Huntingdon Estate stood impatiently, his air barely disguising his irritation."
3) space needed between the comma and "family accountant"...
Best of luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Thanks for reading and taking time out to make useful suggestions zanya
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You're very welcome.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This feels very much like the start of something rather than a complete story. It feels unfinished.
You have a tendency to put spaces before commas which you don't need.
stood , with an irritated gait, - gait refers to stride (movement) and as such would not be apparent when standing still.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
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Hi there,
This feels very much like the start of something rather than a complete story. It feels unfinished.
You have a tendency to put spaces before commas which you don't need.
stood , with an irritated gait, - gait refers to stride (movement) and as such would not be apparent when standing still.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2016
-
Thanks for reading and the useful and encouraging commentary zanya