2nd Time Around
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Part I, Chapter 1"A fight for life and truth.
19 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Firemen are right up there with policemen and cab drivers for dangerous jobs. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Firemen are right up there with policemen and cab drivers for dangerous jobs. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much.
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You're welcome, Teols. Charlie
Comment from robyn corum
1.) the oldest in the company and had surely (passed) the age where he'd be
2.) window to window, the sprays of water striking anywhere where the blaze sprouted out,
--> delete 'where', please
--> delete 'out', please
3.) Knowing they couldn't simply pull each firefighter out, the Rescue Unit set to work tying ropes around each one's chest and shoulders and (then they) hurriedly fed the ropes back up the ladder
--> because you've changed from the -'ing' verb to a -'ly' one. Need a transition.
4.) "Lewis," (s)omeone called out(.) "(H)ey, Lewis!
5.) "Sarah's up in New York right now, visiting with Amelia and (s)ome other folks."
6.) "Last in, first out," (h)e remarked with a smirk of his own(.) "(H)ard life you guys lead on the Rescue Unit."
7.) You have a lot of smirking going on. Faces have other expressions - try to avoid the same ones.
8.) This post is too long. (sorry!) But if you're wanting to get several reviews for your work, the 'ideal' post length is going to be about 750-1500 words. (I learned this the hard way, my friend.) This post is almost 3000 words. Just a heads-up. You're welcome to toss it!! *smile*
The writing is of good quality, though I would suggest an edit to streamline every sentence and get rid of any superfluous words. One of my favorite writing quotes is by Truman Capote and says: I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil."
Overall, good work.
Welcome to FanStory!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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1.) the oldest in the company and had surely (passed) the age where he'd be
2.) window to window, the sprays of water striking anywhere where the blaze sprouted out,
--> delete 'where', please
--> delete 'out', please
3.) Knowing they couldn't simply pull each firefighter out, the Rescue Unit set to work tying ropes around each one's chest and shoulders and (then they) hurriedly fed the ropes back up the ladder
--> because you've changed from the -'ing' verb to a -'ly' one. Need a transition.
4.) "Lewis," (s)omeone called out(.) "(H)ey, Lewis!
5.) "Sarah's up in New York right now, visiting with Amelia and (s)ome other folks."
6.) "Last in, first out," (h)e remarked with a smirk of his own(.) "(H)ard life you guys lead on the Rescue Unit."
7.) You have a lot of smirking going on. Faces have other expressions - try to avoid the same ones.
8.) This post is too long. (sorry!) But if you're wanting to get several reviews for your work, the 'ideal' post length is going to be about 750-1500 words. (I learned this the hard way, my friend.) This post is almost 3000 words. Just a heads-up. You're welcome to toss it!! *smile*
The writing is of good quality, though I would suggest an edit to streamline every sentence and get rid of any superfluous words. One of my favorite writing quotes is by Truman Capote and says: I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil."
Overall, good work.
Welcome to FanStory!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Thank you. I will keep this in mind and edit as I can.
Comment from mgould1
I wouldn't change a thing. The first chapter meets all the criteria for me as a reader: interest, wants to find out more, and enough action to keep you turning the pages. Keep writing. I will be reading to see how this story unfolds.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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I wouldn't change a thing. The first chapter meets all the criteria for me as a reader: interest, wants to find out more, and enough action to keep you turning the pages. Keep writing. I will be reading to see how this story unfolds.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Thaank you very much. I appreciate your enormous support.
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You're welcome.Just keep writing.
Comment from William Ross
Very good, written really great. . A great story line as if written by a fireman, are you? I was with a volunteer group for a few years. this is as though you were there. a great read . can't wait to read more.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Very good, written really great. . A great story line as if written by a fireman, are you? I was with a volunteer group for a few years. this is as though you were there. a great read . can't wait to read more.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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No, I've never been a firefighter. Thank you for your support.
Comment from happykat4
You have my attention and interest. I have not read any of your work before. You introduced your characters very well along with a snapshot into their lives. The fire call was exciting. I liked that you explained backdraft and the danger associated with it. Checking the building was pulling the reader in and the rescue of fellow firefighters was tense kept and increased the chapters appeal. Thank goodness they were rescued. Enter Lewis a friend from the past who frankly would not be a part of the rescue unit because of the danger. I will be waiting for chapter 2. (Oh, I'm not sure, but should the of in by our notes be off instead?) Kat
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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You have my attention and interest. I have not read any of your work before. You introduced your characters very well along with a snapshot into their lives. The fire call was exciting. I liked that you explained backdraft and the danger associated with it. Checking the building was pulling the reader in and the rescue of fellow firefighters was tense kept and increased the chapters appeal. Thank goodness they were rescued. Enter Lewis a friend from the past who frankly would not be a part of the rescue unit because of the danger. I will be waiting for chapter 2. (Oh, I'm not sure, but should the of in by our notes be off instead?) Kat
Comment Written 18-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2016
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Thank you. I'm not sure what you are asking about of versus off.
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In your notes. First line, you say of, I thought it might be off instead. Note important to the poem. Sorry, hope this clears that up.
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Oh, ok. I'll go check that. Thanks.
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Oh, ok. I'll go check that. Thanks.
Comment from foxangie123
I just reviewed this. If is still as awesome as three minutes ago. What a great piece and exceptional author you are. Hands down, awesome....
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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I just reviewed this. If is still as awesome as three minutes ago. What a great piece and exceptional author you are. Hands down, awesome....
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much for those kind words.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a fast paced and most interesting. I was interested fro start to finish. i will watch for more of this story. good work
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Excellent. This is a fast paced and most interesting. I was interested fro start to finish. i will watch for more of this story. good work
Comment Written 17-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much. More chapters are up.
Comment from Cajungirl
Last paragraph perhaps you meant "first off (of)". Very good chapter. Best of luck with your new novel. It seems to be very very interesting. I think you are on your way to a great book.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Last paragraph perhaps you meant "first off (of)". Very good chapter. Best of luck with your new novel. It seems to be very very interesting. I think you are on your way to a great book.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thank you. It's nice to hear I'm heading down the right path.
Comment from Earthwriter
Well written my friend i almost felt i was at the scene and felt the panic of two heroes in trouble who p ut their lives on the line every day excellent piece of writing.
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reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Well written my friend i almost felt i was at the scene and felt the panic of two heroes in trouble who p ut their lives on the line every day excellent piece of writing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2015
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Thank you. The whole point of Lewis Griffin is to pay tribute...at least that's why I made him a fire fighter...he's got another important role which shall come along soon.