Comment from Bill O'Bier

Excellent

I loved reading your story and was quickly drawn in. The descriptive language and dialogue flowed well. Thanks for sharing.
Bill-

 Comment Written 04-Feb-2016

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reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016

Thank you for taking the time to read and review it.

Comment from Joyce Long

Excellent

I don't know what your improvements are, but the story is great and certainly kept my interest. That you mentioned the stairway at different times was good as that made a perfect way to get rid of Ben. What a horrible thing to happen to a family, but it has happened and makes a nice story line. Great job.
Joyce 02-02-16

 Comment Written 02-Feb-2016

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reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016

My improvements were mainly grammatical (i.e. eliminating sticky sentences and too-long sentences, fixing word choice, etc.) I used Pro Writing Aide. Thank you for your kind review.

Comment from foxangie123

Good

The subject matter will be intriguing I bet forever. It isn't for me though. I think you write with magic and I feel you are above that. These matters are on the television always. Write me a voyage of you and a sibling as Sci fi. Xo

 Comment Written 22-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016

Thanks. I will look into that, though I'm admittedly not very fimilar with the genre.

Comment from thonnigford09

Excellent

This was an unexpected action packed prologue. It was well written and I would recommend it. Very unexpected twists and turns. I can't wait to see what happens. Thanks. I might explain that she is living at home and going to college, I was a bit confused there. Thanks again.

 Comment Written 22-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016

She was home on spring break...I suppose I should clarifiy that point. More chapters in this story are up, in case you're interested. Thanks for your support and kind words.

reply by thonnigford09 on 22-Jan-2016

No problem, I really liked this!!!!

Comment from humpwhistle

Good

I think you have a story brewing here, but you have bogged it down in irrelevant details. Can one 'abandon' a T.V. remote? And even if that were possible, is it relevant to your story?
Don't get me wrong. I'm trying to help. I get that you've already made revisions, but you've still got a ways to go.
If you down fix the prologue, your first chapter will be more of the same.

Simplify. Cut. Edit. Tell a story, but leave out all the extraneous crap.

My best advice.

Peace, Lee



...The phone suddenly rang, its shrill sound traveling throughout the house.--phones always ring suddenly, right?

 Comment Written 20-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016

Thank you. I will keep these tips in mind.

Comment from foreverbutterfly

Excellent

This is a great prologue, it makes you want to read the full story. Very well written and I look forward to reading more of your stories. It's well laid out and flows very well.

 Comment Written 10-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016

Thank you. That's encouraging to hear.

Comment from Crennan87

Excellent

I absolutely love murder mysteries, and this story is no exception! I cannot wait to read more of your work! You definitely have a new fan in me!

 Comment Written 09-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016

Thank you. That is very nice of you to say.

Comment from MissMerri

Excellent

Your story certainly grabs the reader's attention. What a nightmare for poor Sarah. Of course, I'm anxious to read the rest of the story to see how everything turns out. The story moves forward easily with a few well-timed flashbacks, and ends on a note of high suspense, making the reader have to keep turning the pages. Very nicely done. I only had one problem... when you write that Sarah used to babysit the children, "them" when she was fourteen, and she is now twenty, it couldn't have been "them" because the four-year-old wasn't yet born, and the older one would have been new-born, too young to really know and love Sarah. Maybe you could not say how old Sarah was, but just mention that she babysat for them. Anyway, I enjoyed this very much. I plan to read on.

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016

Thank you for that. Math is not a strength of mine.

Comment from Pyrrho

Excellent

Could I stop for a colonoscopy along the way? She wondered. ... Is this a line from a different book that wandered into this on?

Constructive criticism: You start too many sentences with gerunds. It became annoying. Change a few to two sentences.

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 09-Jan-2016

I'll try to cut back. Thank you. The colonoscopy line was a thought Sarah had at the moment because she really didn't want to go over to the Parkers.

Comment from ellie6

Excellent

What a horrific thing to happen. Also, it looks as if Sarah will be a suspect for the murders. A gripping tale that moves along at a fast pace.

 Comment Written 08-Jan-2016

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reply by the author on 08-Jan-2016

Thank you.