In the Rain
Waiting27 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
This was an intriguing tale. I liked the mix up. I only thought that he would propose as soon as she showed up. Perhaps, he wanted to plan something more special. But rain in California IS pretty special. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2017
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This was an intriguing tale. I liked the mix up. I only thought that he would propose as soon as she showed up. Perhaps, he wanted to plan something more special. But rain in California IS pretty special. Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 17-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for the reading and review, Patty! Much appreciated.
Yes, rain is special enough! I wrote this at the height of the drought, when I was writing a lot about rain, and this year it rained, so maybe it worked:)
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
Comment from chcbeck
Great contest entry. I think you covered every emotion possible and described what goes through our heads if someone acts out of character. I love the personnel flashbacks. Good luck a great read thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2017
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Great contest entry. I think you covered every emotion possible and described what goes through our heads if someone acts out of character. I love the personnel flashbacks. Good luck a great read thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2017
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Thanks so much for the reading and review! Much appreciated.
I like to do interior dialogue--it helps the reader (and writer) understand the character more:)
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
Comment from Alex Rosel
Kevin pulled up at the curb next to the "Open House" sign. - A nice opening sentence. It immediately puts the reader in the scene. Then you follow on with a drip feed of the story :-)
People were already coming and going through the house's open door, stopping to chat and laugh on the porch and lawn. - I'd nix the house's, it detracts a little from the pace of the prose. The open door is sufficient to let the reader know you haven't moved on from the previous paragraph.
But he got Sharona's point that paying rent every month was getting old fast, and this was one of the two houses in this "nice" neighborhood they could even hope to afford. - More drip feeding :-)
...And this was one of the two houses in this "nice" neighborhood - Foreshadowing. Good. I'm a great advocate of this technique.
Over her texting and checking social media when he was trying to talk to her about the house situation--another annoying thing about her. - I find this sentence awkward. It's disjointed. I'd either tag it on to the end of the previous sentence, which I think would suit your style since you seem partial to follow-on sentences, or else start it with Argued over her texting...
Five minutes went by, fifteen after now. - I might be being picky, but I think you need to better establish earlier that now is nine. If that was done, this would be a great little sentence. As it is, it's sort of ambiguous and/or illogical.
It really was humid out here, felt like freaking Bangkok or at least east Boston. - Ha, ha. A neat aside.
The last time it had rained, Sharona had run inside their apartment from her car... - I like how you shift scenes and timelines. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue the reader and maintain the pace.
And the alternate, if she was lying in an ER somewhere... - Needs a question mark?
...Her typical ironic smile pulling at her lips. - Good imagery.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. You have a nice flowing writer's voice, although sometimes your run-on sentences got me a little tangled. This has a gentle ending, and I'm not sure, if this were mine, if I'd be looking to pack a bit more punch at the conclusion. That's a difficult call. I enjoyed reading it. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Kevin pulled up at the curb next to the "Open House" sign. - A nice opening sentence. It immediately puts the reader in the scene. Then you follow on with a drip feed of the story :-)
People were already coming and going through the house's open door, stopping to chat and laugh on the porch and lawn. - I'd nix the house's, it detracts a little from the pace of the prose. The open door is sufficient to let the reader know you haven't moved on from the previous paragraph.
But he got Sharona's point that paying rent every month was getting old fast, and this was one of the two houses in this "nice" neighborhood they could even hope to afford. - More drip feeding :-)
...And this was one of the two houses in this "nice" neighborhood - Foreshadowing. Good. I'm a great advocate of this technique.
Over her texting and checking social media when he was trying to talk to her about the house situation--another annoying thing about her. - I find this sentence awkward. It's disjointed. I'd either tag it on to the end of the previous sentence, which I think would suit your style since you seem partial to follow-on sentences, or else start it with Argued over her texting...
Five minutes went by, fifteen after now. - I might be being picky, but I think you need to better establish earlier that now is nine. If that was done, this would be a great little sentence. As it is, it's sort of ambiguous and/or illogical.
It really was humid out here, felt like freaking Bangkok or at least east Boston. - Ha, ha. A neat aside.
The last time it had rained, Sharona had run inside their apartment from her car... - I like how you shift scenes and timelines. Shifting keeps the reader on their toes. It helps to intrigue the reader and maintain the pace.
And the alternate, if she was lying in an ER somewhere... - Needs a question mark?
...Her typical ironic smile pulling at her lips. - Good imagery.
Overall:
This is an easy piece to read. You have a nice flowing writer's voice, although sometimes your run-on sentences got me a little tangled. This has a gentle ending, and I'm not sure, if this were mine, if I'd be looking to pack a bit more punch at the conclusion. That's a difficult call. I enjoyed reading it. :-)
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Alex, for the reading and detailed review! Very nice of you.
I agree with your comments and will incorporate your suggestions for revision:)
Thanks again for stopping by!
All the Best,
Stacia
Comment from oliver818
Wow
That was great. A really good read. I really connected with the guy. Waiting waiting and nothing, then it was his fault, haha. Thanks for sharing and good Luck With the contest
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Wow
That was great. A really good read. I really connected with the guy. Waiting waiting and nothing, then it was his fault, haha. Thanks for sharing and good Luck With the contest
Comment Written 16-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Hi, Oliver! Thanks for the reading and review. Much appreciated.
I think most can appreciate being kept waiting and feeling stupid when we realize we're at fault:)
Thanks again for stopping by!
Stacia
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Good story with a good ending. Some stories on this sight seem to have no ending. They just stop, like there's a page missing.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Good story with a good ending. Some stories on this sight seem to have no ending. They just stop, like there's a page missing.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Thanks for the reading and review, Thomas! Much appreciated.
A resolution can make or break a story, I agree! Is it possible that the stories you refer to have a second part coming up, were too long to post as one piece?
I think however that would usually be noted, a second part coming up.
Maybe a poorly applied ambiguous ending technique, LOL
Thanks again for stopping by:)
Stacia
Comment from Heidi M
Cute story! You did a good job letting us 'see' him and peek into their relationship.
Suggestions: "as every storm had for about five years" might be rephrased "for the past five years". About is vague; five is specific.
"And the alternate" probably should be "and the alternative"
I liked your clever use of text messages to get the "Citrus/Orange" twist in your story. Good job!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Cute story! You did a good job letting us 'see' him and peek into their relationship.
Suggestions: "as every storm had for about five years" might be rephrased "for the past five years". About is vague; five is specific.
"And the alternate" probably should be "and the alternative"
I liked your clever use of text messages to get the "Citrus/Orange" twist in your story. Good job!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2016
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Thanks for the reading and review, Heidi! Much appreciated.
"For about five years" was deliberate--the protagonist probably hasn't been keeping track of the exact length of the drought--but thanks so much on the "alternate/alternative" catch. That slipped by me!
Thanks again for stopping by.
Stacia
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Thanks so much for the reading and review, Heidi! Much appreciated.
"for about five years" is deliberate--the protagonist probably hasn't been keeping track of the exact length of the drought. But thanks so much on the "alternative/alternate" catch--that slipped by me!
Thanks again for stopping by:)
Stacia
Comment from royowen
For somebody of my age, the modern idiom of being electronically aware but not present is now the modern destructive lack.i love the journey. They set out liking one another, but not communicating as per electronically involved, but not engaged, both turning up to two different locations, then both discovering they liked the same things, painful way of finding out. Well written, good modern characters, excellent descriptive text, good imagery, I loved the role the rain made, well done, good entry, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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For somebody of my age, the modern idiom of being electronically aware but not present is now the modern destructive lack.i love the journey. They set out liking one another, but not communicating as per electronically involved, but not engaged, both turning up to two different locations, then both discovering they liked the same things, painful way of finding out. Well written, good modern characters, excellent descriptive text, good imagery, I loved the role the rain made, well done, good entry, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for the reading and review, Roy! You picked up on things in the story I had not intended, consciously, but which are great insights--the symbolism of the protagonist's journey, the lack of communication yet still having the same goals, and so forth.
Thanks again! Please stop by again soon.
Stacia
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My pleasure
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. Good contest entry. This story flows very nicely and is a fun read. You certainly got the writing prompt covered. I didn't see any errors. Great job.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Excellent. Good contest entry. This story flows very nicely and is a fun read. You certainly got the writing prompt covered. I didn't see any errors. Great job.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2016
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Thanks so much for the reading and review, Pretty! Much appreciated.
Please stop by again soon.
Stacia
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This was a very well written and engaging story. I like the intercutting of emotionality with the weather conditions. A bad omen that turns good.
Very nicely done
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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Hi there,
This was a very well written and engaging story. I like the intercutting of emotionality with the weather conditions. A bad omen that turns good.
Very nicely done
GMG
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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Thank you, GMG, for the reading and review! Much appreciated.
I really owe a lot to Led Zeppelin's "Fool in the Rain," which is the ispiration of the story, and its masterful rhythm that simulates a building rainstorm along with the storyline of the voice thinking he's been stood up by a girlfriend.
Thank you again for stopping by!
Stacia
Comment from William Ross
Well written a good contest entry good story. Good luck in the contest with this. Hope you have a safe and wonderful new year
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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Well written a good contest entry good story. Good luck in the contest with this. Hope you have a safe and wonderful new year
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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Thank you, William, for the reading and review! Much appreciated.
I didn't win the contest but still have faith in the story due to the reviews of readers like you:)
Thanks again for stopping by!
All the Best,
Stacia
