The Olive Branch
Boy learns a new word: hearse.51 total reviews
Comment from Lesley Collier
A wonderful story about a young boy who loses his uncle to a street gang shooting and as he discusses it with an older friend of the family finds out a lot of answers to his questions about death which his friend demonstrates to him by comparing the branches of an nearby olive tree. Well written with wise lessons for young boys!
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
  |
A wonderful story about a young boy who loses his uncle to a street gang shooting and as he discusses it with an older friend of the family finds out a lot of answers to his questions about death which his friend demonstrates to him by comparing the branches of an nearby olive tree. Well written with wise lessons for young boys!
Comment Written 11-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
-
Yes, Lesley, I am so glad I used that olive tree to teach a lesson because I recognized that it symbolized not only life but peace. I am going to publish this story so that boys today can learn this lesson. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Eigle Rull
My friend, I am so happy that I have a six left to give you for this excellent story. It's to bad more young men don't mentor our youth like you did. I am proud of you and you have my honest respect. This story should be published and read by young men everywhere. Perhaps it might bring some sanity to a few lives. This was a great job, my friend. Best wishes to you.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
|
My friend, I am so happy that I have a six left to give you for this excellent story. It's to bad more young men don't mentor our youth like you did. I am proud of you and you have my honest respect. This story should be published and read by young men everywhere. Perhaps it might bring some sanity to a few lives. This was a great job, my friend. Best wishes to you.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 11-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
-
Yes, yes, yes, Eigle Rull. I wrote this story twenty-three years ago and do not know if David listened to my lesson. That is the past. My big concern now are the "young men everywhere" who could benefit from this story if I publish it today. Thank you for your review, for your encouragement, and your six stars.
Comment from rama devi
I like the intensity of the opening. Kissing the stomach was a clever way of indicating it was a boy (height of your stomach). This reads smoothly and holds the attention. The dialog sounds true to life. I'd recommend adding more descriptive narrative (incorporating all senses) and maybe another simile or two. Good deep POV. Good pacing. Good imagery woven in (flower, branch, etc.)
Otherwise, the chapter is really good but has a few spag issues and minor places you might tweak (noted below).
NOTES
*
My brother and I stared at the boy(,) who bounced in the center of attention.
*and walked off the sunbaked court,
sun-baked
* "Mom wanted to know if it was true that her brother has been shot(,) and I told her(,) 'Yes, at Taco Bell.' N
*I never asked Dave what his uncle's real name was.
Rather than repeat the character's name here, I suggest trimming it, as it is implied without being stated:
I never asked what his uncle's real name was.
* This speech tag is not needed, as the reader already knows who is speaking to whom:
I asked, "Were you close to him?"
* Here also, speech tags are not needed...would be best replaced by action tags, which could further enhance both characterization and visual descriptiveness:
The next morning, Dave visited my apartment while I washed dishes. I suspected he played hooky. I demanded, "Why aren't you in school?"
Standing beside me at the kitchen sink, he explained, "My mother didn't wake me in time."
Example edit:
The next morning, Dave visited my apartment while I washed dishes. I suspected he played hooky. I gave him a sharp glance. "Why aren't you in school?"
Standing beside me at the kitchen sink, he looked up with indignant round eyes. "My mother didn't wake me in time."
*
The boy's cupped hands shaped an invisible box(,) which traveled across the air.
CLASSIC perspective only a child can conjure--well-portrayed:
He turned and asked, "André, do you know that when the big earthquake comes we will all die?"
"Yes, Dave, I know."
*
Returning from the dumpsters, I kneeled (KNELT) beneath one of the olive trees which(THAT) dotted the mountainside apartment complex.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
 |
I like the intensity of the opening. Kissing the stomach was a clever way of indicating it was a boy (height of your stomach). This reads smoothly and holds the attention. The dialog sounds true to life. I'd recommend adding more descriptive narrative (incorporating all senses) and maybe another simile or two. Good deep POV. Good pacing. Good imagery woven in (flower, branch, etc.)
Otherwise, the chapter is really good but has a few spag issues and minor places you might tweak (noted below).
NOTES
*
My brother and I stared at the boy(,) who bounced in the center of attention.
*and walked off the sunbaked court,
sun-baked
* "Mom wanted to know if it was true that her brother has been shot(,) and I told her(,) 'Yes, at Taco Bell.' N
*I never asked Dave what his uncle's real name was.
Rather than repeat the character's name here, I suggest trimming it, as it is implied without being stated:
I never asked what his uncle's real name was.
* This speech tag is not needed, as the reader already knows who is speaking to whom:
I asked, "Were you close to him?"
* Here also, speech tags are not needed...would be best replaced by action tags, which could further enhance both characterization and visual descriptiveness:
The next morning, Dave visited my apartment while I washed dishes. I suspected he played hooky. I demanded, "Why aren't you in school?"
Standing beside me at the kitchen sink, he explained, "My mother didn't wake me in time."
Example edit:
The next morning, Dave visited my apartment while I washed dishes. I suspected he played hooky. I gave him a sharp glance. "Why aren't you in school?"
Standing beside me at the kitchen sink, he looked up with indignant round eyes. "My mother didn't wake me in time."
*
The boy's cupped hands shaped an invisible box(,) which traveled across the air.
CLASSIC perspective only a child can conjure--well-portrayed:
He turned and asked, "André, do you know that when the big earthquake comes we will all die?"
"Yes, Dave, I know."
*
Returning from the dumpsters, I kneeled (KNELT) beneath one of the olive trees which(THAT) dotted the mountainside apartment complex.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 11-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, rama devi, for your thorough review of my twenty-three year old story and spag corrections. I am copying and pasting your review so I could print it out and correct each item. Once again, thanks.
-
Most welcome. Thanks for your gracious response. Hugs, rd
Comment from snooker155
sorry I did not like it at all am aware of its poularity and high status but to me the language was repetitive and boring a really really boring story had me wanting to grab my pillow and die in my sleep from snooker155x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
 |
sorry I did not like it at all am aware of its poularity and high status but to me the language was repetitive and boring a really really boring story had me wanting to grab my pillow and die in my sleep from snooker155x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
-
I acknowledge your comments.
Comment from vapros
This is very well done, and most entertaining. Your post reveals the great difficulty in explaining life and death to Dave, who is attuned to the gang form of life and death. We must hope that he has learned a lesson and escaped from a bad neighborhood, but the sad truth may be that he has not. Many don't.
v
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
|
This is very well done, and most entertaining. Your post reveals the great difficulty in explaining life and death to Dave, who is attuned to the gang form of life and death. We must hope that he has learned a lesson and escaped from a bad neighborhood, but the sad truth may be that he has not. Many don't.
v
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
-
Yes, vapros, I never had a more difficult conversation than I did with Dave who only weeks earlier had shot me in the face with a cap gun and laughed. I, too, am curious about whatever became of him. Thank you for generous review and stars.
Comment from ericawrites
This is a very good story, I love the interaction between adult and child.
Holds the reader's attention from start to finish.
Well done, thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
|
This is a very good story, I love the interaction between adult and child.
Holds the reader's attention from start to finish.
Well done, thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, ericawrites, for your generous review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Zue65
You deserved six stars for this. I really enjoyed the exchange of conversations with Andre and Dave. The dialogue was so effective and the lessons learned by Dave was so subtly done but intensified the character description in your story. it also helped progress the plot form beginning to end. An exceptional write.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
|
You deserved six stars for this. I really enjoyed the exchange of conversations with Andre and Dave. The dialogue was so effective and the lessons learned by Dave was so subtly done but intensified the character description in your story. it also helped progress the plot form beginning to end. An exceptional write.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, nassus1957, for your generous review and stars. I wrote this story twenty-three years ago immediately after the events described. This accounts for the details of the dialogue and characters. I am thrilled I rediscovered this story so I can share it with you before submitting it for publication. Once again, thanks.
Comment from GracieAnn
Sis Cat,
This is a hard-hitting real life story that pulls no punches for the reader. It is raw in places, but depicts reality in the world we live. Interesting. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
|
Sis Cat,
This is a hard-hitting real life story that pulls no punches for the reader. It is raw in places, but depicts reality in the world we live. Interesting. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
-
Thank you, GracieAnn, for your review. I had forgotten this story I wrote twenty-three years ago. When I found the story again, I was shocked we used to live like that . . . sleeping on floors to dodge the bullets and getting shot in the face. Unfortunately, people still live like this. Thank you for your review.
Comment from kittykatnoel
A very strong story about a really horrible place and way to live. It was good to read your author's notes to hear that yourself and also the young boy both left this horrible place.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
|
A very strong story about a really horrible place and way to live. It was good to read your author's notes to hear that yourself and also the young boy both left this horrible place.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
-
Yes, kittykatnoel, I had not seen this story for twenty-three years. I had totally forgotten the conversation and the events. I was shocked to learn that I used to sleep on the floor because of the gang gunfire at night. As I recount in this story, David shot me in the face with a cap gun when I went to answer the door. A few weeks later, a gangster shot his uncle in the eye, killing him. I did not realize how bad things were until I read that story again. Thank you for your review.
Comment from wordspinner314
This is brilliantly written and masterfully layered. What insight your characters have regarding such a difficult and sensitive subject.
I found such profound depth in the first paragraph when David dealt with his uncle's shooting by cheering as he shared the news, yet also grabbing and hugging Andre. This shows his confusion over how to deal with the enormity of the situation.
Very well written!
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
|
This is brilliantly written and masterfully layered. What insight your characters have regarding such a difficult and sensitive subject.
I found such profound depth in the first paragraph when David dealt with his uncle's shooting by cheering as he shared the news, yet also grabbing and hugging Andre. This shows his confusion over how to deal with the enormity of the situation.
Very well written!
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
-
Yes, wordspinner314, the moment David cheered his uncle's shooting and greeted me with a hug, I knew i had my work cut out for explaining a difficult and sensitive subject to the boy. Several weeks earlier, he shot me in a face with a cap gun when I answered the door. Never in my life have I had a conversation as difficult as the one I had with him. I summoned all of my strength and wisdom to handle the task. Thank you for your review.