Only in Australia
Blank Verse contest entry31 total reviews
Comment from jgirlie152
This freestyle poetry is extremely well done, and I assure you.....fascinating.
It's a great story, rather reminds me of our Old West many years ago, when outlaws were sought to be hung from the highest tree, but admired nonetheless. Songs were written of them and stories told and retold.
Thank you for an enjoyable read.
Joan
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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This freestyle poetry is extremely well done, and I assure you.....fascinating.
It's a great story, rather reminds me of our Old West many years ago, when outlaws were sought to be hung from the highest tree, but admired nonetheless. Songs were written of them and stories told and retold.
Thank you for an enjoyable read.
Joan
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Joan. Yes, there are parallels between the old west of your country and Australia. Glad you enjoyed my tale.
Steve
Comment from nancyjam
Very well told story in great blank verse
format.
Nice images as you recall these events.
I loved the description of the pelicans in
the road and their ungainly flight.
Good luck in the contest.
Nancy
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Very well told story in great blank verse
format.
Nice images as you recall these events.
I loved the description of the pelicans in
the road and their ungainly flight.
Good luck in the contest.
Nancy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Nancy. As you can see, the moment stuck in my mind.
Steve
Comment from I am Cat
Ah yes, this is why I thought you lived in Australia... ;)
Because the poem is about Australia... lol
I see... ok, nevermind... (I'm not really an airhead, more of a mensa... but don't tell anyone, I've got them fooled) ;)
Well, of course, your meter is impeccable.. I keep reading this, and I'm blown away, especially by the storyline, which seems to just flow to easily for you.
You do the same thing with each and every poem, I'm so jealous...
You know, I can tell a story, within a short story... but to do so with a poem, people tell me I can... but, hell... I don't think I get them so beautiful as you do....
this part:
"They're pelicans," I murmured. As I spoke,
the giant birds had turned and lurched away
in great, ungainly strides, with wings outstretched
to catch, at last, an updraft, and to soar
into the blackness of the Queensland night.
was especially just so enchanting... the use of the words:
murmured ( onomatopoeia ) , and then... lurched, ungainly, updraft... so well done!
I just loved it... once again, you'll either win or place close to winning in this contest, I just know it.
(tell me again why I enter these things?) lol
Well done! and seriously, good luck!
Cat
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Ah yes, this is why I thought you lived in Australia... ;)
Because the poem is about Australia... lol
I see... ok, nevermind... (I'm not really an airhead, more of a mensa... but don't tell anyone, I've got them fooled) ;)
Well, of course, your meter is impeccable.. I keep reading this, and I'm blown away, especially by the storyline, which seems to just flow to easily for you.
You do the same thing with each and every poem, I'm so jealous...
You know, I can tell a story, within a short story... but to do so with a poem, people tell me I can... but, hell... I don't think I get them so beautiful as you do....
this part:
"They're pelicans," I murmured. As I spoke,
the giant birds had turned and lurched away
in great, ungainly strides, with wings outstretched
to catch, at last, an updraft, and to soar
into the blackness of the Queensland night.
was especially just so enchanting... the use of the words:
murmured ( onomatopoeia ) , and then... lurched, ungainly, updraft... so well done!
I just loved it... once again, you'll either win or place close to winning in this contest, I just know it.
(tell me again why I enter these things?) lol
Well done! and seriously, good luck!
Cat
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Cat, for the high praise. I am not sure if it's justified this time, as I am nearly certain this will not figure in the contenders for top honours - I suspect the judges will go for something with a little more flair and flamboyance - like yours perhaps - I have had a little peek and it is impressive.
This was something of an experiment in using the blank verse form to tell a narrative, deliberately low-key for the most part and with the iambic not as pronounced as it might have been in a different form (which might be why you had trouble with it at one point.)
I am quite pleased with it, although it didn't quite hit the spot and I ended up rushing to finish. I really wanted to convey how seeing the pelicans saved what was otherwise a disappointing day. In other words, a much longer version of this famous one:
The way a crow shook down on me
the dust of snow from a hemlock tree
has given my heart a change of mood
and saved some part of a day I had rued.
Steve
Comment from ravenblack
Captain starlight- such a name for a thief and rustler. You really capture the terrain well. And truly excellent use of internal rhyme, particularly stanza three. Pelicans- never thought they'd be found in the out back. See? It was not a wasted trip. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Captain starlight- such a name for a thief and rustler. You really capture the terrain well. And truly excellent use of internal rhyme, particularly stanza three. Pelicans- never thought they'd be found in the out back. See? It was not a wasted trip. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thank you!
yes, I did want to convey that the pelicans saved the day.
Steve
Comment from Just2Write
I'm so sorry that I don't have a six for this, Steve. It is a brilliant Blank Verse poem - and extremely innovative in approach and delivery. Bravo.
It ain't easy to write prose in iambic pentameter, but you do this extremely well here. Fantastic skill.
Not only that - but, it's a story, complete with characters, dialogue, a climax, and a close.
The last 4 lines are very poetic as opposed to the rest of the story and are such a wonderful way to bring the reader back from the ride and to close to the poem.
Some things for you to consider:
End words, threat / ate / set rhyme (well ate is only a near-rhyme)
Scene and dreams - a near-rhyme.
to Starlight's lookout? (no '?' required. This line is a statement - not an interrogative)
this far.... but still, our will was weak (only 4 iambs)
Rose
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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I'm so sorry that I don't have a six for this, Steve. It is a brilliant Blank Verse poem - and extremely innovative in approach and delivery. Bravo.
It ain't easy to write prose in iambic pentameter, but you do this extremely well here. Fantastic skill.
Not only that - but, it's a story, complete with characters, dialogue, a climax, and a close.
The last 4 lines are very poetic as opposed to the rest of the story and are such a wonderful way to bring the reader back from the ride and to close to the poem.
Some things for you to consider:
End words, threat / ate / set rhyme (well ate is only a near-rhyme)
Scene and dreams - a near-rhyme.
to Starlight's lookout? (no '?' required. This line is a statement - not an interrogative)
this far.... but still, our will was weak (only 4 iambs)
Rose
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Rose, thanks for such a thorough review - perhaps the best I have received for this. I am not worried about the odd rhyme - they are only incidental and I don't subscribe to the view promoted by some that it's a sin... Thanks for spotting the short line - now fixed.
I am not sure if the praise is justified this time, as I am nearly certain this will not figure in the contenders for top honours - I suspect the judges will go for something with a little more flair and flamboyance.
This was something of an experiment in using the blank verse form to tell a narrative, deliberately low-key for the most part and with the iambic not as pronounced as it might have been in a different form (which might be why you had trouble with it at one point.)
I am quite pleased with it, although it didn't quite hit the spot and I ended up rushing to finish. I really wanted to convey how seeing the pelicans saved what was otherwise a disappointing day. In other words, a much longer version of this famous one:
The way a crow shook down on me
the dust of snow from a hemlock tree
has given my heart a change of mood
and saved some part of a day I had rued.
Steve
Comment from ellie6
You certainly caught the atmosphere in this poem. I love the way the peilcans surprised you and I can picture the blackness of the night and suddenly these ghostly birds jumped up and started running, Scary or what!
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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You certainly caught the atmosphere in this poem. I love the way the peilcans surprised you and I can picture the blackness of the night and suddenly these ghostly birds jumped up and started running, Scary or what!
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Ellie - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from Tessa Kay
There I was expecting a poem about this infamous Captain Starlight, but you took
your story in a totally different direction. I've only ever seen pelicans in a zoo. It must've been some sight.
Love the expression:
-a blaze that spilled across the vast expanse of outback sky.
Thanks for sharing
:)
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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There I was expecting a poem about this infamous Captain Starlight, but you took
your story in a totally different direction. I've only ever seen pelicans in a zoo. It must've been some sight.
Love the expression:
-a blaze that spilled across the vast expanse of outback sky.
Thanks for sharing
:)
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Tessa.
Yes, that first stanza was only included for a bit of background and because it also fitted the 'only in Australia' theme.
Steve
Comment from RahulChadha
Wonderful, very well written. This is something like a story written in a poetry form. This poem flashed through my eyes and i was like,"Woah, I have to read it" as even I live in live in Australia.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Wonderful, very well written. This is something like a story written in a poetry form. This poem flashed through my eyes and i was like,"Woah, I have to read it" as even I live in live in Australia.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Rahul!
Steve
Comment from w.j.debi
Wow, a long drive into the desert to check out a historical spot turns out to be pretty exciting and memorable, but not in the way you expected. You build the suspense well and it was eerie the way you came across that ghostly pair. I bet they were as surprised as you were.
Excellent story telling. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Wow, a long drive into the desert to check out a historical spot turns out to be pretty exciting and memorable, but not in the way you expected. You build the suspense well and it was eerie the way you came across that ghostly pair. I bet they were as surprised as you were.
Excellent story telling. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from Sasha
You completely captivated me with this one. Pelicans in the desert--amazing. Beautifully written and a terrific entry for this contest. I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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You completely captivated me with this one. Pelicans in the desert--amazing. Beautifully written and a terrific entry for this contest. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2015
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Thanks, sasha!
Steve