Hello Charlie
A contest entry23 total reviews
Comment from mvbrooks
Your story has a friendly tone that draws the reader in and makes the narrator likable.
Editing notes:
In the sentence " I had picked up a sandwich, apple and a cold lemonade at the deli..."
When you list two or more items, each set of words needs to start with the same part of speech (parallelism/balance).
In this sentence:
--a sandwich (adjective)
--apple (noun)
--a cold lemonade (adjective)
You just need to add "an" before "apple" to make it parallel.
This impacts the story's flow.
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When listing three or more items, a comma is needed to separate each item. In the sentence "The sun was warm, the breeze gentle and the waves playing my favorite sounds." need to add a comma after "gentle,and"--otherwise the breeze and the waves become one item.
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"I noticed Charlie's dog first. A gorgeous white Siberian husky."
A gorgeous white Siberian husky is not a full sentence. You need to add it to the sentence before, or the sentence after it.
In this case, it works best with the sentence before it:
I noticed Charlie's dog first, a gorgeous white Siberian husky.
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"Taking slow, calculated steps he edged closer to his prey."
The story need a second comma after "steps"
The best comma advice is to read the story aloud. Where you would naturally pause is where you should place a comma. (That's the purpose of commas, to allow the "writer's voice" to be heard in the "reader's mind.")
The story also needs a comma after "flash" (introductory phrase followed by a full sentence).
"Then in a flash he was running into the group which to his dismay, simply squawked and flew up and out of his reach."
Omitting these commas impacts the story's flow.
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Unless you are using quotation marks, sentences end with only ONE punctuation mark. In this case, omit the period; the exclamation point is sufficient. (or, delete the exclamation point and keep the period.)
" Just then I heard a whistle and a "Come 'ere boy!".
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You have an interesting story and an easy-going narration that draws in the reader. To make this story tighter, consider reading it aloud and revising the punctuation. Punctuation works best when it goes unnoticed. In the case of this story, the misplaced punctuation slows the story's flow.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Your story has a friendly tone that draws the reader in and makes the narrator likable.
Editing notes:
In the sentence " I had picked up a sandwich, apple and a cold lemonade at the deli..."
When you list two or more items, each set of words needs to start with the same part of speech (parallelism/balance).
In this sentence:
--a sandwich (adjective)
--apple (noun)
--a cold lemonade (adjective)
You just need to add "an" before "apple" to make it parallel.
This impacts the story's flow.
--------------
When listing three or more items, a comma is needed to separate each item. In the sentence "The sun was warm, the breeze gentle and the waves playing my favorite sounds." need to add a comma after "gentle,and"--otherwise the breeze and the waves become one item.
--------------
"I noticed Charlie's dog first. A gorgeous white Siberian husky."
A gorgeous white Siberian husky is not a full sentence. You need to add it to the sentence before, or the sentence after it.
In this case, it works best with the sentence before it:
I noticed Charlie's dog first, a gorgeous white Siberian husky.
-------------
"Taking slow, calculated steps he edged closer to his prey."
The story need a second comma after "steps"
The best comma advice is to read the story aloud. Where you would naturally pause is where you should place a comma. (That's the purpose of commas, to allow the "writer's voice" to be heard in the "reader's mind.")
The story also needs a comma after "flash" (introductory phrase followed by a full sentence).
"Then in a flash he was running into the group which to his dismay, simply squawked and flew up and out of his reach."
Omitting these commas impacts the story's flow.
--------------
Unless you are using quotation marks, sentences end with only ONE punctuation mark. In this case, omit the period; the exclamation point is sufficient. (or, delete the exclamation point and keep the period.)
" Just then I heard a whistle and a "Come 'ere boy!".
---------------
You have an interesting story and an easy-going narration that draws in the reader. To make this story tighter, consider reading it aloud and revising the punctuation. Punctuation works best when it goes unnoticed. In the case of this story, the misplaced punctuation slows the story's flow.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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I am on it and will ask you to re-read and give your thoughts...Thank you :)
Always
Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT
Now I like how you wove in the Charlie with dog Pretty clever mystery writer who ever you are..I do hope to hear more about this budding romance in the future...
TK
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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Now I like how you wove in the Charlie with dog Pretty clever mystery writer who ever you are..I do hope to hear more about this budding romance in the future...
TK
Comment Written 12-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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:) Hi there Sir Knight... Still around and see:)
Always
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Yes I am mystery writer May even be heading down your way in a month or so..Have nephew who lives somewhere on Mobile Bay...Opps sorry I am not supposed know who you are lol
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Lol oops
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Lol oops
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Lol oops
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is certainly a great start to a much longer story. I hope you go with it. You have built up the beginning beautifully and now I want to know what happened as one day would be the last time you saw him. Good luck in the contest. xsx sandra
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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This is certainly a great start to a much longer story. I hope you go with it. You have built up the beginning beautifully and now I want to know what happened as one day would be the last time you saw him. Good luck in the contest. xsx sandra
Comment Written 12-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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Your wonderful review is most welcome SM. I want to incorporate this into an existing story... Fingers crossed :)
Always
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I am looking forward to reading it! When you say an existing story, is it posted on here at this moment in time?
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Yes it is...but without telling you my name I don't know how you would find it... It is called Sarah Smiles.
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Would you PM me when the contest is over, I will catch up once I know who you are. I mean that, so please do.
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:)
Comment from petalangela
Interesting start to a what looks to be a good tale. Seems to me spooked is a chick puller some guys use flashy cars but then some are wiser and use the cutest dog they can find
Good luck with this write it is is written with clarity and good description
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Interesting start to a what looks to be a good tale. Seems to me spooked is a chick puller some guys use flashy cars but then some are wiser and use the cutest dog they can find
Good luck with this write it is is written with clarity and good description
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the generous review Petalangela... :)
Always
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Ewww. You messed up a perfect little romantic story by mis-writing the first line. This story is about the FIRST time you saw Charlie, not the LAST. If you can change it somehow, please do. Good luck. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Ewww. You messed up a perfect little romantic story by mis-writing the first line. This story is about the FIRST time you saw Charlie, not the LAST. If you can change it somehow, please do. Good luck. :) Nancy
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I wrote this as a memory view but yours is the second review that referenced the wrong tense. I will try and make it reflect as a memory. Thank you so much for the lovely bling of the 6er. HUGS
Always
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Check it again and see if this reads better please!!
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What about: The last time I saw Charlie we reminisced about...
Just a thought. :) Nancy
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:) good idea ty :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This is a well written and engaging piece. However, I struggled with making sense of it. If it was the last time you saw him, how would he become the second man you ever loved if you never saw him again?
I thought about it being the last time you had seen him before imparting the story but then the last sentence doesn't fit either, as you wouldn't know this at the time.
It may just be me but I couldn't grasp it. Sorry
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Hi there,
This is a well written and engaging piece. However, I struggled with making sense of it. If it was the last time you saw him, how would he become the second man you ever loved if you never saw him again?
I thought about it being the last time you had seen him before imparting the story but then the last sentence doesn't fit either, as you wouldn't know this at the time.
It may just be me but I couldn't grasp it. Sorry
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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The last time ...in this case is the first time u get my meaning? All stories fictional or true have a starting point. It may not be your ideal one, but start they do. Thanks for the review btw.
Always
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I changed it a bit, please look and see if it makes better sense.
Comment from TOMORAL
Good story. Awesome take on the topic. I like your writing style a lot and the cliff hanger is realistic. Waiting for that date with Charlie, now. Looking forward to it. Great writing.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Good story. Awesome take on the topic. I like your writing style a lot and the cliff hanger is realistic. Waiting for that date with Charlie, now. Looking forward to it. Great writing.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much Tomoral not only for the brilliant review but the 6er as well :)
Always
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Such a lovely beginning of your story, Missy --
great characters and the speech flowing naturally.
You say it's a contest entry, but it isn't marked up
as so - perhaps you should drop a note to Tom and mention
this - he is always helpful and will most likely add it in.
At about 6 feet(,) give or take an inch(,) with dark sun kissed skin and jet black hair,
between the table and my mouth(,) suspended in time
A little while later(,) I was zoned out
He's gorgeous[.](,)" I said, - comma not period
gent here is Spookey", - move inverted commas to AFTER comma
"Hi, Spookey[.](,)" I said as - comma when followed by "said" and suchlike
visit the Gulf Coast[.](,)" I said,
Spookey loves the beach[.](,)" He replied
gets you off the Island[.](,)" I replied.
I have an idea[,](;) how about you have -- this needs a semi-colon
Margaret
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Such a lovely beginning of your story, Missy --
great characters and the speech flowing naturally.
You say it's a contest entry, but it isn't marked up
as so - perhaps you should drop a note to Tom and mention
this - he is always helpful and will most likely add it in.
At about 6 feet(,) give or take an inch(,) with dark sun kissed skin and jet black hair,
between the table and my mouth(,) suspended in time
A little while later(,) I was zoned out
He's gorgeous[.](,)" I said, - comma not period
gent here is Spookey", - move inverted commas to AFTER comma
"Hi, Spookey[.](,)" I said as - comma when followed by "said" and suchlike
visit the Gulf Coast[.](,)" I said,
Spookey loves the beach[.](,)" He replied
gets you off the Island[.](,)" I replied.
I have an idea[,](;) how about you have -- this needs a semi-colon
Margaret
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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When I look at my contest, I see it there? Please explain what you see for me. I am on to corrections ...Thanks Margaret!
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Oh, sorry, Missy - since Tom changed the site (supposedly to improve it) the contest name is shown at the bottom of the page - I didn't notice it. At one time it used to show first - at the top of the page.
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Thanks Margaret :)
Comment from Nosha17
I can vouch for the antics of the dog in question, as I had two Alaskan husky/malemutes and they loved to stalk seagulls, pigeons, whatever birds they could. You captured the essence of romance well, with well drawn characters, crisp dialogue and engaging story line-look forward to the next episode! Good luck in the contest, lovely dog picture. Faye
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I can vouch for the antics of the dog in question, as I had two Alaskan husky/malemutes and they loved to stalk seagulls, pigeons, whatever birds they could. You captured the essence of romance well, with well drawn characters, crisp dialogue and engaging story line-look forward to the next episode! Good luck in the contest, lovely dog picture. Faye
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Thanks Nosha, for the sweet review. Our white Husky died at the age of 18. His name was Spookey :)
Always
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You are so welcome, wow, you were lucky to have him that long. They are the best breed of dogs in the whole world, I miss my two very much. My Grand adventure poem is one of the lovely trips I made with them in tow. They were only 12 when they passed away. Faye
Comment from royowen
A nicely written entry in this competition, it's a well written boy meets girl story, it's and attractively composed with a a great descriptive narrative, the presents the story, and introduces the reader to the well described and attractive dog and owner, leads up to a date being set to a nice happy a predictable end. Well done, good entry in the contest, blessings and good luck, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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A nicely written entry in this competition, it's a well written boy meets girl story, it's and attractively composed with a a great descriptive narrative, the presents the story, and introduces the reader to the well described and attractive dog and owner, leads up to a date being set to a nice happy a predictable end. Well done, good entry in the contest, blessings and good luck, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Thank you kind sir, for this complete and thoughtful review. I have seen your name a number of times in reviews. They are all written with a kind heart.
Always,
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Most welcome
