Danger Is My Business
a noir hard-boiled detective story set in the late 40s25 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
Mickey Spillane rides again. You have caught the idiom really nicely and the racey style of that particular genre of crime novel, the clipped dialogue, the rather shabby private eye with a soup-stained necktie; all the motifs are there all the boxes ticked.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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Mickey Spillane rides again. You have caught the idiom really nicely and the racey style of that particular genre of crime novel, the clipped dialogue, the rather shabby private eye with a soup-stained necktie; all the motifs are there all the boxes ticked.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2015
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I really did like early Spillane, and admit he's been a strong influence on my noir writing. So pleased this piece "caught the idiom" and put you back in that era. Thanks for sharing.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent story that I fully enjoyed reading. You kept it active and moving forward. Your characters were excellent and the dialogue was appropriate. Good luck with the contest. Shirley
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Excellent story that I fully enjoyed reading. You kept it active and moving forward. Your characters were excellent and the dialogue was appropriate. Good luck with the contest. Shirley
Comment Written 12-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Shirley, for sharing "Danger" and for your very kind praise.
Comment from Michaelk
Well, you're off to a great start if you do ever finish it. Your characters were mesmerizing. Your descriptions were fantastic. The only thing that slowed me down a little was throwing out so many names. I suppose if you continue the book they'll become second nature. I really liked all the movie references though. They gave this story an instant history to fall back on.
Very well done. I look forward to you continuing the book.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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Well, you're off to a great start if you do ever finish it. Your characters were mesmerizing. Your descriptions were fantastic. The only thing that slowed me down a little was throwing out so many names. I suppose if you continue the book they'll become second nature. I really liked all the movie references though. They gave this story an instant history to fall back on.
Very well done. I look forward to you continuing the book.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your very encouraging review of "Danger." Yes, there may be too many characters in this opening chapter. So pleased you liked the movie references.
Comment from meggie13
I enjoyed your mystery and crime fiction story It was so real just like the detectives in the movies. The dialogue was very convincing. Looks like Mrs.Westlake was hiding something. Otherwise ,why would anyone wanted to shoot her.I think you should your continue writing your nobel, it would be a hit.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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I enjoyed your mystery and crime fiction story It was so real just like the detectives in the movies. The dialogue was very convincing. Looks like Mrs.Westlake was hiding something. Otherwise ,why would anyone wanted to shoot her.I think you should your continue writing your nobel, it would be a hit.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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I am delighted you found this story "Just like the movies." That was my intent. It's also nice to know I have a fan if I continue this.
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You are very welcome. Yes, you do.
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You are very welcome. Yes, you do.
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You are very welcome. Yes, you do.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
I'm also a noir fan. You've done an excellent job with this opening. I hope you do turn it into at least a short story. There are still markets for this genre.
One thing to look at:
if the dame on my arm was classy- is classy
Great job. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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I'm also a noir fan. You've done an excellent job with this opening. I hope you do turn it into at least a short story. There are still markets for this genre.
One thing to look at:
if the dame on my arm was classy- is classy
Great job. :) Nancy
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Nancy, for sharing my story and for your most encouraging review. I am not sure what my intentions are now, but I'm pleased to know there might be market out there somewhere.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
I know where it was, but a guy like me doesn't step into the lobby of the( Poshest Hotel ) in Chicago everyday.
Suggestion. Capitalize Poshest Hotel.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
I know where it was, but a guy like me doesn't step into the lobby of the( Poshest Hotel ) in Chicago everyday.
Suggestion. Capitalize Poshest Hotel.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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So pleased you enjoyed "Danger." Thanks for sharing.
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thank you!
Comment from livelylinda
Author: from old gangster movies I've watched, the characters in this story are quite believable. The staccato, to-the-point questions asked by Johnny Athens seem real. The grieving woman also believable. The plot begins to unfold nicely straight to the shots fired into Johnny's office. I would enjoy reading the next chapter if you so choose to write in into a book or novella. Good writing. livelylinda
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Author: from old gangster movies I've watched, the characters in this story are quite believable. The staccato, to-the-point questions asked by Johnny Athens seem real. The grieving woman also believable. The plot begins to unfold nicely straight to the shots fired into Johnny's office. I would enjoy reading the next chapter if you so choose to write in into a book or novella. Good writing. livelylinda
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I am tempted to continue the story, but noir fiction appears to be passé these days. I am delighted you enjoyed "Danger" and appreciate your very kind praise.
Comment from humpwhistle
I'm a fan of noir as well. You capture the genre well.
And that's a little bit of a problem. Noir has become a parody of itself. A series of clichés (sorry, this system won't recognize this word, but you know what I mean).
All the clichés are here. The beautiful, rich doll in distress, the cheesy office, the well-connected husband, and the down on his luck tec. All that's didn't come out was the bottle of bourbon from the bottom drawer.
Please, I'm not criticizing. I just wish you'd veered off the beaten path a little. This is well written, but I wonder if it follows the formula a little too closely.
Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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I'm a fan of noir as well. You capture the genre well.
And that's a little bit of a problem. Noir has become a parody of itself. A series of clichés (sorry, this system won't recognize this word, but you know what I mean).
All the clichés are here. The beautiful, rich doll in distress, the cheesy office, the well-connected husband, and the down on his luck tec. All that's didn't come out was the bottle of bourbon from the bottom drawer.
Please, I'm not criticizing. I just wish you'd veered off the beaten path a little. This is well written, but I wonder if it follows the formula a little too closely.
Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Hi, Lee. I must concur with almost everything you've said. I realized at the time I was writing it that this could be construed as parody, but I could not resist the desire to write such a story. Thanks for sharing and for your excellent commentary.
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There's nothing wrong with parody. But I'm not sure you if you decided to fall on one side of the fence or the other.
And I doubt most of the readers will care.
Comment from jpduck
Of course, it goes without saying that I have no idea who you are. But I would urge you to delete a whole bunch of stuff that you have written under Author Notes which could readily be construed as providing clues to your ID. This could possibly result in your story being disqualified. You can always save them and put them back after the contest result has been announced.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, although it did feel, just a bit, as if you were not quite in your comfort zone with it.
'His smarmy smile was glued on' (Oh, yes!)
'Garbriel Delance' ('Gabriel'??).
'So my landlor*d*would call him if he wanted to dump this place'
'on location making Call Northside 777' (Just a suggestion: I think it would be more realistic to insert the words 'a film called'. In those days there wasn't the advance publicity for movies that there is today).
Adrian
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Of course, it goes without saying that I have no idea who you are. But I would urge you to delete a whole bunch of stuff that you have written under Author Notes which could readily be construed as providing clues to your ID. This could possibly result in your story being disqualified. You can always save them and put them back after the contest result has been announced.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, although it did feel, just a bit, as if you were not quite in your comfort zone with it.
'His smarmy smile was glued on' (Oh, yes!)
'Garbriel Delance' ('Gabriel'??).
'So my landlor*d*would call him if he wanted to dump this place'
'on location making Call Northside 777' (Just a suggestion: I think it would be more realistic to insert the words 'a film called'. In those days there wasn't the advance publicity for movies that there is today).
Adrian
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Hi Adrian. I always appreciate your reviews and close reading. I had not thought about how some of my author's notes might provide clues to my ID. Must remedy this prior to the voting. In the meantime, thank you so much for your comments and tips.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the man who went into hiding and his wife went to a pi to look for him, ending up with her getting shot in the end. I spotted one error. so my landlord could call him instead of so my landlor could call him. I love the author notes. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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this is an excellent write, mystery writer, you did an excellent job writing this story about the man who went into hiding and his wife went to a pi to look for him, ending up with her getting shot in the end. I spotted one error. so my landlord could call him instead of so my landlor could call him. I love the author notes. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2015
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Thank you, sweetwoodjax, for sharing my story and your very kind praise. I included the author's notes primarily for those readers not familiar with Chicago lore. So glad you enjoyed them, too.
