Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "River gods"A collection of poems on these themes
51 total reviews
Comment from rosehill (Wendy)
Another gem, Steve. The word choices and visuals created are very powerful. The comparison of storm and battle was deftly done and void of cliché. The final firing of the gun, sad, stunning and full circle. I think I will have to concede you the victory on this one. Yes, I actually slogged through one of these, My second ever free verse poem, written on a dare and entered because, what the heck, it was free. But I struggle so with unconstrained forms. Your adaptability is a great gift and you have polished it to perfection.
My favorite combination where you show the flood, working from visual to movement, to definition:
tumbling in muddy flood
foam-flecked,
driftwood-strewn,
rampaging,
irresistible.
And of course you dragonfly description - Wendy
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
  |
Another gem, Steve. The word choices and visuals created are very powerful. The comparison of storm and battle was deftly done and void of cliché. The final firing of the gun, sad, stunning and full circle. I think I will have to concede you the victory on this one. Yes, I actually slogged through one of these, My second ever free verse poem, written on a dare and entered because, what the heck, it was free. But I struggle so with unconstrained forms. Your adaptability is a great gift and you have polished it to perfection.
My favorite combination where you show the flood, working from visual to movement, to definition:
tumbling in muddy flood
foam-flecked,
driftwood-strewn,
rampaging,
irresistible.
And of course you dragonfly description - Wendy
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Wendy - I appreciate the fine review and the six stars. However, I think we may both have to bow to padu's piece that is currently on the front page. Can't remember if I've seen your piece - I'll have to go check. Like you it's rare for me to tackle this form - hat could be more scary than no rules? I did think I was getting somewhere close with this.
Steve
Comment from I am Cat
I live in Texas... by a stream which leads to a twenty foot waterfall... which feeds into the Brazos River fed Lake Granbury... hungry for water for the past several years... now swollen, full and lovely... finally, this summer we will all enjoy the Lake... But others, not so fortunate, have fled their homes... run out by the waters, run UP onto rooftop... run away by rushing water... some actually swept away. I know this sight all too well..
I read your poem, and the crash and sadness I felt at the end, was so palpable... I am saddened, and yet... it is what it is.
Step by step.... into your poem:
'They have been gentle of late,
the river gods.'
(I thought... where is HE? lol)
'The stream murmurs and meanders
around the maze of bald-headed grey rocks
to pool in dreamy shallows
where floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.'
(oh yeah... it WAS that way....)
(and then I see... yeah, he gets it...)
'But now
a hard rain falls;
great legions sweep from the north
to deliver their tumultuous fusillades
upon my roof,
while the shell-fire flicker
illuminates the hills in jagged brilliance
and the heavy boom of artillery
thunders down the valley.'
(yes, you must be near...)
'Hungrily feeding
on a thousand rushing tributaries,
the gods swell to anger,
tumbling in muddy flood
foam-flecked,
driftwood-strewn,
rampaging,
irresistible.'
(oh yes, too near, I fear)
'Until at last,
triumphant,
the waters shoulder free
of the confines of their banks
and celebrate by spreading a remorseless tide
across the lower flats.'
(yes, even our stream did this... swelling the sides another 12 feet on either side!)
'For two grey days the battle rages,
and two black nights I toss in fitful sleep,
waking in wonder
to the ceaseless rumbling chant
of the river gods
celebrating victory.'
(I truly loved this imagery... two years ago 500 feet from us an entire neighborhood, along with the rains, was blown away by a tornado...)
(and then)
'Peace.
On the third afternoon
the waters subside,
and I emerge
to survey the aftermath -
the yellow scar of half a hillside collapsed,
sodden, silt-ridden fields
and drunken fencelines,
litter-festooned.'
(so very true... so real in the aftermath)
'On a trampled morass of higher ground
I find the huddle of Angus heifers.
Wild-eyed, they jostle as I count,
and count again.
One short.'
(we aren't the only ones who are out there... and not only the cattle... the pets who are lost... the strays... all in the storms)
(and we think... yay!)
'Back home
the shrill summons of the telephone.
My downstream neigbour spreads forth
a miracle.
Next day I fetch her stumbling back
and install her in prodigal comfort
with sweet hay in a dry corner of the barn
and leave her.
There are other duties.'
(but then...)
'By morning's light I ponder
hay untouched,
muddied coat encrusted
and translucent eye
dulled.
As the day passes, she sickens,
her whole body trembles,
and as darkness falls, she too goes down
and will not rise, despite my urgings.'
(and we know... as people who know these things... what is about to happen.. and we wait)
'The river sings more sweetly now
as I fetch my rifle
and by torchlight
fumble a shell into the chamber.'
(and it does)
(and we are saddened)
'The river gods know nothing of heartbreak,
and they will not be scorned.'
(*heavy sigh*)
life goes on...
yet another well written, beautifully stated free verse to add to this contest... indeed, to add to the world.
I would encourage you to write to one of the Texas Cattleman Magazines... or something like that... I know there are several... this is a truly beautiful poem which aches to be heard.
Well done, I loved it... and I do wish I had more to offer you, but please know that I am honored to have read and reviewed it. If I had more than this five, I certainly would give it.
Cat
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
 |
I live in Texas... by a stream which leads to a twenty foot waterfall... which feeds into the Brazos River fed Lake Granbury... hungry for water for the past several years... now swollen, full and lovely... finally, this summer we will all enjoy the Lake... But others, not so fortunate, have fled their homes... run out by the waters, run UP onto rooftop... run away by rushing water... some actually swept away. I know this sight all too well..
I read your poem, and the crash and sadness I felt at the end, was so palpable... I am saddened, and yet... it is what it is.
Step by step.... into your poem:
'They have been gentle of late,
the river gods.'
(I thought... where is HE? lol)
'The stream murmurs and meanders
around the maze of bald-headed grey rocks
to pool in dreamy shallows
where floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.'
(oh yeah... it WAS that way....)
(and then I see... yeah, he gets it...)
'But now
a hard rain falls;
great legions sweep from the north
to deliver their tumultuous fusillades
upon my roof,
while the shell-fire flicker
illuminates the hills in jagged brilliance
and the heavy boom of artillery
thunders down the valley.'
(yes, you must be near...)
'Hungrily feeding
on a thousand rushing tributaries,
the gods swell to anger,
tumbling in muddy flood
foam-flecked,
driftwood-strewn,
rampaging,
irresistible.'
(oh yes, too near, I fear)
'Until at last,
triumphant,
the waters shoulder free
of the confines of their banks
and celebrate by spreading a remorseless tide
across the lower flats.'
(yes, even our stream did this... swelling the sides another 12 feet on either side!)
'For two grey days the battle rages,
and two black nights I toss in fitful sleep,
waking in wonder
to the ceaseless rumbling chant
of the river gods
celebrating victory.'
(I truly loved this imagery... two years ago 500 feet from us an entire neighborhood, along with the rains, was blown away by a tornado...)
(and then)
'Peace.
On the third afternoon
the waters subside,
and I emerge
to survey the aftermath -
the yellow scar of half a hillside collapsed,
sodden, silt-ridden fields
and drunken fencelines,
litter-festooned.'
(so very true... so real in the aftermath)
'On a trampled morass of higher ground
I find the huddle of Angus heifers.
Wild-eyed, they jostle as I count,
and count again.
One short.'
(we aren't the only ones who are out there... and not only the cattle... the pets who are lost... the strays... all in the storms)
(and we think... yay!)
'Back home
the shrill summons of the telephone.
My downstream neigbour spreads forth
a miracle.
Next day I fetch her stumbling back
and install her in prodigal comfort
with sweet hay in a dry corner of the barn
and leave her.
There are other duties.'
(but then...)
'By morning's light I ponder
hay untouched,
muddied coat encrusted
and translucent eye
dulled.
As the day passes, she sickens,
her whole body trembles,
and as darkness falls, she too goes down
and will not rise, despite my urgings.'
(and we know... as people who know these things... what is about to happen.. and we wait)
'The river sings more sweetly now
as I fetch my rifle
and by torchlight
fumble a shell into the chamber.'
(and it does)
(and we are saddened)
'The river gods know nothing of heartbreak,
and they will not be scorned.'
(*heavy sigh*)
life goes on...
yet another well written, beautifully stated free verse to add to this contest... indeed, to add to the world.
I would encourage you to write to one of the Texas Cattleman Magazines... or something like that... I know there are several... this is a truly beautiful poem which aches to be heard.
Well done, I loved it... and I do wish I had more to offer you, but please know that I am honored to have read and reviewed it. If I had more than this five, I certainly would give it.
Cat
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
-
Thanks so much for the wonderful review and the detailed comments, plus the virtual six. I suspect all opposition will be swept aside by Padu's marvellous 'Hounded' piece - just when I thought I was getting the hang of this new-fangled free verse business!
The suggestion of writing to a magazine is a good one which I may well take up - I am looking for outlets for my work this year...
Thanks again.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
A story in a free verse poem. I like the way your poem takes a bit of a side-step--kind of from the Big Nature picture, to the wee human nature picture. Personal.
Lots of stellar language and turns of phrase here, Steve.
Just a few that stood out for me:
floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.
floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.
rampaging,
irresistible.--I love this combination. Irresistible is perfect, but unexpected.
and drunken fencelines,
litter-festooned.
--Steve, you're on fire!
Best of luck,
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
A story in a free verse poem. I like the way your poem takes a bit of a side-step--kind of from the Big Nature picture, to the wee human nature picture. Personal.
Lots of stellar language and turns of phrase here, Steve.
Just a few that stood out for me:
floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.
floating dragons flaunt hazy iridescence
over the lazy waters.
rampaging,
irresistible.--I love this combination. Irresistible is perfect, but unexpected.
and drunken fencelines,
litter-festooned.
--Steve, you're on fire!
Best of luck,
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
-
Should have entered this in a story-poem contest perhaps (congratulations on your placing with the hoochy owl, by the way). I suspect the winner of this contest will be the 'Hounded' piece currently on the front page which should sweep all before it.... damn it!
Thanks for the thoughtful and detailed review and the six stars - much appreciated.
Steve
Comment from TAB_that's me
Very good free verse of the rivers - great vivid imagery - I know as our rivers have swelled beyond it's seams 4 times this year. Very well done. Good luck in the contest.
teresa
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
Very good free verse of the rivers - great vivid imagery - I know as our rivers have swelled beyond it's seams 4 times this year. Very well done. Good luck in the contest.
teresa
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Teresa - I'm back living near a flood-prone river as well, although the basis of the poem stems from a different river, many years ago.
Steve
Comment from Glasstruth
Wow! What an awesome description of the river gods destruction. So detailed with great rhythmic movement. Flows smoothly as the river, that is when it's not angry. The ending is quite heartbreaking. Very, very powerful writing. Les
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
Wow! What an awesome description of the river gods destruction. So detailed with great rhythmic movement. Flows smoothly as the river, that is when it's not angry. The ending is quite heartbreaking. Very, very powerful writing. Les
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
-
Thanks, Les, for the great review and the emotional response.
Steve
Comment from Benny Beeharry
It is true flood could be very disastrous and you described it so well that I can see it all happening.
The terrible piece is when Angus went dow. Must be very heartbreaking to you.
I could relate to this commentary poem.
Benny Beeharry
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
It is true flood could be very disastrous and you described it so well that I can see it all happening.
The terrible piece is when Angus went dow. Must be very heartbreaking to you.
I could relate to this commentary poem.
Benny Beeharry
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
-
Benny, thanks a lot for the sympathetic review.
Steve
Comment from Ben Colder
The April and May rains here have made havoc on our farmers and ranchers as well. Seems the climate is changing. You did well with this free verse. Hope you win.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
The April and May rains here have made havoc on our farmers and ranchers as well. Seems the climate is changing. You did well with this free verse. Hope you win.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
-
Thanks, Ben.
Steve
Comment from mfowler
Your fine poem sounds very much as if it's born in personal experience. You follow the course of the flood from the gentle times of 'stream murmurs and meanders' and on to the storm which brings the waters gushing, rushing to 'shoulder free
of the confines of their banks
and celebrate by spreading a remorseless tide
across the lower flats.'
The cycle breaks when the waters subside but the aftermath is strewn with wreckage and heartache:
The river sings more sweetly now
as I fetch my rifle
and by torchlight
fumble a shell into the chamber.
The river gods know nothing of heartbreak,
and they will not be scorned.
Your poetic construction mirrors the urge and surge of the waters with the sections about changing flows and the wide/narrow lines give visual impact to define the mood.
Your choice of imagery is stunning in parts, giving the experience both lyrical and sensual support. Adored:
But now
a hard rain falls;
great legions sweep from the north
to deliver their tumultuous fusillades
upon my roof,
while the shell-fire flicker
illuminates the hills in jagged brilliance
and the heavy boom of artillery
thunders down the valley.
A damned fine write and read.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
|
Your fine poem sounds very much as if it's born in personal experience. You follow the course of the flood from the gentle times of 'stream murmurs and meanders' and on to the storm which brings the waters gushing, rushing to 'shoulder free
of the confines of their banks
and celebrate by spreading a remorseless tide
across the lower flats.'
The cycle breaks when the waters subside but the aftermath is strewn with wreckage and heartache:
The river sings more sweetly now
as I fetch my rifle
and by torchlight
fumble a shell into the chamber.
The river gods know nothing of heartbreak,
and they will not be scorned.
Your poetic construction mirrors the urge and surge of the waters with the sections about changing flows and the wide/narrow lines give visual impact to define the mood.
Your choice of imagery is stunning in parts, giving the experience both lyrical and sensual support. Adored:
But now
a hard rain falls;
great legions sweep from the north
to deliver their tumultuous fusillades
upon my roof,
while the shell-fire flicker
illuminates the hills in jagged brilliance
and the heavy boom of artillery
thunders down the valley.
A damned fine write and read.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
-
Mark, tha. nks for this great review which is based on your obvious understanding of, and emotional response to my poem. I am very inexperienced at free verse, but I did feel I had made some progress with this one.
I am always hopeful of success in the contests, but I believe I have seen one on the front page today that will knock all competition out of the park.
Steve
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..wow...a super entry for this contest...not only free verse, but a whole story...and the smell of the watr and the smell of wet heifer...and the sharp sharp snap of a gun soon to follow..
padumachitta
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
|
Hi..wow...a super entry for this contest...not only free verse, but a whole story...and the smell of the watr and the smell of wet heifer...and the sharp sharp snap of a gun soon to follow..
padumachitta
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thanks, Padu. On second thoughts this may have been better in the Story-Poem contest, but Free verse is more of a challenge for me.
Steve
Comment from visionary1234
Aaah, the master of metrical verse turns his hand to free verse with equal aplomb. Love this piece, Steve - the metaphor of battles and gods with the power of water unleashed. Please do more free verse!
Did this just happen?
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Aaah, the master of metrical verse turns his hand to free verse with equal aplomb. Love this piece, Steve - the metaphor of battles and gods with the power of water unleashed. Please do more free verse!
Did this just happen?
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Dunno about equal aplomb - this free verse is scary stuff and I doubt if I'll ever get near your rhapsodies...
Thanks for the kind words.
No - not a recent event - it has its roots on the home farm many years ago with considerable licence in the re-telling.
Steve