Good Job? What a Lie!
false praise harms our children30 total reviews
Comment from jlsavell
Ingrid,
your compositions are so well thought out. You never run adrift of the subject, but keep the reader engaged o the track ahead. So many seasoned and unseasoned writers are like a minister's sermon, trying to build to certain conclusions that never conclude, an article that doesn't stop where it should stop and therefore becomes a drag and ultimately a failure.
I agree wholeheartedly with your well constructed essay. your fan
Jimi
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
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Ingrid,
your compositions are so well thought out. You never run adrift of the subject, but keep the reader engaged o the track ahead. So many seasoned and unseasoned writers are like a minister's sermon, trying to build to certain conclusions that never conclude, an article that doesn't stop where it should stop and therefore becomes a drag and ultimately a failure.
I agree wholeheartedly with your well constructed essay. your fan
Jimi
Comment Written 17-May-2015
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
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Journalism really is my first love. Thanks for the stars and glowing words.
Comment from jpduck
I find it quite hard to review this essay. Perhaps I shouldn't. Perhaps I should make it easy and simply remark that it is well structured, with a carefully assembled argument. This would certainly be my view of the piece. But it would be incomplete.
My problem is that, as a retired (British) head teacher, a parent and a grandparent, I agree totally with your opening thesis. I, too, am sickened by the knee-jerk response of "Good jarb!" that north Americans seem to be addicted to when speaking to children about anything they do. But I feel you go a little too far as your argument progresses.
It is my belief that it is vital that we look for and find the positive in a child to praise and reward; it is almost always there. At the same time, we should be pointing out what is incorrect, what is not good, and, most important, finding ways for the child to correct the imperfect.
In my whole teaching career, I have only once worked with a child in whom it was almost impossible to find the positive as well as the negative. The irony was that this child was the most parent-damaged I have ever come across. From birth the parents had never found it possible to find anything good to say of him, and they showed him this very clearly. As a result, the poor boy grew up knowing that he was wicked and worthless, and felt the need to live up to this.
However, enough of this. There are those who say that reviewers have no business referring to content, and should confine themselves to style and linguistic skills. As you can see, I disagree with this; content is a part of the whole that reviewers needs to be thinking about when they develop their opinions on a piece of writing.
A couple of SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'no standards by which [to] realistically *to* assess their performance' (Split infinitive).
'It has always been my belief that*,* as parents*,* our sole responsibility'
Adrian
reply by the author on 17-May-2015
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I find it quite hard to review this essay. Perhaps I shouldn't. Perhaps I should make it easy and simply remark that it is well structured, with a carefully assembled argument. This would certainly be my view of the piece. But it would be incomplete.
My problem is that, as a retired (British) head teacher, a parent and a grandparent, I agree totally with your opening thesis. I, too, am sickened by the knee-jerk response of "Good jarb!" that north Americans seem to be addicted to when speaking to children about anything they do. But I feel you go a little too far as your argument progresses.
It is my belief that it is vital that we look for and find the positive in a child to praise and reward; it is almost always there. At the same time, we should be pointing out what is incorrect, what is not good, and, most important, finding ways for the child to correct the imperfect.
In my whole teaching career, I have only once worked with a child in whom it was almost impossible to find the positive as well as the negative. The irony was that this child was the most parent-damaged I have ever come across. From birth the parents had never found it possible to find anything good to say of him, and they showed him this very clearly. As a result, the poor boy grew up knowing that he was wicked and worthless, and felt the need to live up to this.
However, enough of this. There are those who say that reviewers have no business referring to content, and should confine themselves to style and linguistic skills. As you can see, I disagree with this; content is a part of the whole that reviewers needs to be thinking about when they develop their opinions on a piece of writing.
A couple of SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'no standards by which [to] realistically *to* assess their performance' (Split infinitive).
'It has always been my belief that*,* as parents*,* our sole responsibility'
Adrian
Comment Written 17-May-2015
reply by the author on 17-May-2015
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More than anything, I appreciate your candid feedback. I agree with what you are saying as well. We all need encouragement and motivation, but a little effort with no commitment towards excellence is really no commitment at all. My grandson has ADHD and fell behind, hence the tutor. There is a tremendous amount of good in the child and truthfully he is the best small friend I have. He's had hundreds of hours of counselling, testing and support, but has somehow decided to give up--and it's NOT because he can't understand or is incapable of learning. The school is largely responsible for not ensuring the family was aware of the wasting of time in classroom by E-mail or responding to the tutor's notes and requests for information that went unanswered. At the core is the notion that whatever little it takes to get through is good enough.
There's also the entitlement issue that frightens me. Children's toy chests include thousands of dollars worth of electronics, not just my kids, all kids. The video games provide instant gratification, measure and record success offering a false feeling of accomplishment. Funny, sort of like our ratings here on FS. These gadgets detract from efforts needed for real success. And, every parent ensures their kid gets these 'toys' as it is now not a luxury, but an every day expectation.
Rest assured, I have made experiences for Aiden part of his education, taking him to theatre productions and adventures. He is not a neglected child, but he too has an obligation.
Comment from scd41
Your essay is an eye-opener for those parents who prefer appeasement and pampering in dealing with their children. They take a short-term view to hide their own lapses or lack of interest in parenting. As you rightly pointed out, it does more harm to the children when they grow up. Encouragement for genuine improvements should be made when it is deserving and should not end up in complacency.
reply by the author on 17-May-2015
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Your essay is an eye-opener for those parents who prefer appeasement and pampering in dealing with their children. They take a short-term view to hide their own lapses or lack of interest in parenting. As you rightly pointed out, it does more harm to the children when they grow up. Encouragement for genuine improvements should be made when it is deserving and should not end up in complacency.
Comment Written 17-May-2015
reply by the author on 17-May-2015
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Trying to get through to kids that education is a gift, and the effort they put into it is a gift they give themselves is a challenge. Thanks.
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I had learning disabilities growing up so I got excited when I got a "C". My mom never let the school jerk us around. We would "forget" our homework and my mom would take us back to the school that night, even though the doors were locked, she assured us we just had to walk around the school and peek in the windows and find the janitor to open the doors for us to grab the homework. How embarrassing but she was right. He was there every night til eleven. When I got in high school I was home alone at night so I rarely took homework home. I was in a bunch of classes that I didn't understand and I would never use in life. Do I need to know what "x" or "y" is? No, I've never had to figure this out in my adult life. That's why I know people. LOL. I get why you're mad though. I hope you are able to whip him into shape. And let me ask you another question is he lazy and know what he's doing or does he not know and doesn't want to do it because he's confused. My husband never did homework or class work in school but given test time he could pass it and do good. He didn't need class work and homework like the rest of it and just thought it was boring because he already knew how to do it. So he'd get bad like homework grades but amazing test grades. I wish I was that lucky. Thankfully, I never went to college and was able to get out right after high school and no looking back.
reply by the author on 17-May-2015
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I had learning disabilities growing up so I got excited when I got a "C". My mom never let the school jerk us around. We would "forget" our homework and my mom would take us back to the school that night, even though the doors were locked, she assured us we just had to walk around the school and peek in the windows and find the janitor to open the doors for us to grab the homework. How embarrassing but she was right. He was there every night til eleven. When I got in high school I was home alone at night so I rarely took homework home. I was in a bunch of classes that I didn't understand and I would never use in life. Do I need to know what "x" or "y" is? No, I've never had to figure this out in my adult life. That's why I know people. LOL. I get why you're mad though. I hope you are able to whip him into shape. And let me ask you another question is he lazy and know what he's doing or does he not know and doesn't want to do it because he's confused. My husband never did homework or class work in school but given test time he could pass it and do good. He didn't need class work and homework like the rest of it and just thought it was boring because he already knew how to do it. So he'd get bad like homework grades but amazing test grades. I wish I was that lucky. Thankfully, I never went to college and was able to get out right after high school and no looking back.
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 17-May-2015
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Aiden has all kinds of help available. He too has a disability, but he gets medication for ADHD and has access to learning assistants in the school and a tutor. When given one-on-one attention, he has no trouble absorbing the work. But when not under a constant microscope, he makes no effort. I adore this kid, but things are going to change in Dodge. Thanks for the great feedback.
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I was probably the same way. I wish him and you the best
Comment from abbasjoy
The last line exquisitely sums up this post "Yes, I love him enough to be hated."
It is so true, that mediocrity reigns these day. Some children as well as grownups aren't trustworthy enough to want the pain of pushing through, for the win.
Hopefully, these children will learn the basics, despite having an Iphone, or some other such gadget.
Well written.
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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The last line exquisitely sums up this post "Yes, I love him enough to be hated."
It is so true, that mediocrity reigns these day. Some children as well as grownups aren't trustworthy enough to want the pain of pushing through, for the win.
Hopefully, these children will learn the basics, despite having an Iphone, or some other such gadget.
Well written.
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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While North American kids are distracted by electronics, being passified by instant gratification, the Asian world is spending millions on education, and these very worthy scholars are applying for and securing the jobs in North America. We'll complain, but I don't think we care enough to launch our kids properly, especially in this global economy. Thanks for the read and visit.
Comment from Curly Girly
This is a fantastic piece of writing--I like it! Yeah, sock it to 'em granny! I wish that I had a relative who cared enough about my future to for me all that you have done for your grandson.
Great interpretation:
"Do you know what average means?" I asked the boy. "It comes right down to you being the worst of the best or the best of the worst. Which do you prefer to be?"
Typo: ?
As it turned out, my grandson has done absolutely no work at all
As it turned out, my grandson haD done absolutely no work at all
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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This is a fantastic piece of writing--I like it! Yeah, sock it to 'em granny! I wish that I had a relative who cared enough about my future to for me all that you have done for your grandson.
Great interpretation:
"Do you know what average means?" I asked the boy. "It comes right down to you being the worst of the best or the best of the worst. Which do you prefer to be?"
Typo: ?
As it turned out, my grandson has done absolutely no work at all
As it turned out, my grandson haD done absolutely no work at all
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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Think you are right. I'll fix it. Thanks.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Bravo, Ingrid. You've written a hard-hitting essay laying the blame for mediocrity squarely where it belongs--on the parents. No one gets promoted in the real world for being one of the herd. You're doing everything you can to give your grandchildren a good start in life, even if they don't realize it right now. Great job. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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Bravo, Ingrid. You've written a hard-hitting essay laying the blame for mediocrity squarely where it belongs--on the parents. No one gets promoted in the real world for being one of the herd. You're doing everything you can to give your grandchildren a good start in life, even if they don't realize it right now. Great job. :) Nancy
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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Well, unless Daddy decides to rescue his child, things are going to heat up. I'm determined AND angry. 3K and this? Yes, I blame Dad, and he in turn figured, no doubt, my investment was the band aid. Yeah, right. If enough money gets thrown at a problem, there's no problem...right? Maybe I'm angry at myself, but I'll be part of the solution unless there is interference. Thanks for the stars and visit.
Comment from w.j.debi
This is a passionate and well stated commentary. Loving enough to be hated is tough and not many people seem up to it. It seems we have to be careful not to hurt anyone's feelings in this day and age. Someone might get offended. Good for you for looking out for the best interests of your grandson and making sure he understands his lessons.
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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This is a passionate and well stated commentary. Loving enough to be hated is tough and not many people seem up to it. It seems we have to be careful not to hurt anyone's feelings in this day and age. Someone might get offended. Good for you for looking out for the best interests of your grandson and making sure he understands his lessons.
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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It seems that if I don't do it, no one will. The gratitude may serve him well long after I am gone/ Thanks for the encouragement and the stars.
Comment from Jean Lutz
I may have to take some of that corrective action myself -- and my grands are young adults. If I have shared this with you before, forgive me. Yet it might reinforce your argument -- I began school in a one room school house without electricity or plumbing. One teacher taught 1st through 8th grades. I walked about a mile to get to that school. If you do an on-line search of Doe Creek School, Scotts Hill, Tennessee you will turn up some pictures. I was holding a doll in the pictures.
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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I may have to take some of that corrective action myself -- and my grands are young adults. If I have shared this with you before, forgive me. Yet it might reinforce your argument -- I began school in a one room school house without electricity or plumbing. One teacher taught 1st through 8th grades. I walked about a mile to get to that school. If you do an on-line search of Doe Creek School, Scotts Hill, Tennessee you will turn up some pictures. I was holding a doll in the pictures.
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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I'll do that. Will definitely check it out. But it surely meant something to you, the effort and the surrounding examples of what education did for the older kids. Thanks for the info and the visit.
Comment from Donald O. Cassidy
I think your final statement in this piece is a key to proper parenthood. "We care enough to be hated."
I chide myself as a father that I've failed the test much of the time. I've been too easy-going and too tolerant of laziness.
Even regarding animals, particularly the pet world, some counselors have used the term "tough love." That meant the owner trained the pet with tough love instead of spoiling.
You're so right that we fail to expect excellence from our children
Fortunately, my son aspires to excellence without being driven.
Don
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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I think your final statement in this piece is a key to proper parenthood. "We care enough to be hated."
I chide myself as a father that I've failed the test much of the time. I've been too easy-going and too tolerant of laziness.
Even regarding animals, particularly the pet world, some counselors have used the term "tough love." That meant the owner trained the pet with tough love instead of spoiling.
You're so right that we fail to expect excellence from our children
Fortunately, my son aspires to excellence without being driven.
Don
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 16-May-2015
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You
e lucky. Your son sounds like quite a man, but I had to sit on my kids tail, and I know without my constant haranguing he wouldn't have made it. Now, he's letting his child have the life of fun with NO expectations. I'm suick about this. Thanks for sharing.