Comment from Louise Michelle

Excellent

Hi Dean,

I'm assuming the boy killed himself or accidentally overdosed after his girlfriend may have broken up with him.

This is so tragic and I feel for the mother who will find his body.

This comes very close to home. My sister's son died of an overdose and she found his body.

Hugs,
Lou

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015

Close, Lou, he did it on purpose. Hence, the empty vial of Vicodin.

I feel for your sister, that must have been so hard. Often times the victims of suicide leave no notes, contrary to popular belief and Hollywood movies. In reality, some families never get the closure they so desperately need.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me on this story. I appreciate it very much.

~Dean

Comment from Just2Write

Excellent

Such a sad scene - and one that too many parents have had to visualize, after their son or daughter has been taken to the morgue. It's interesting that the teen is home alone - Perhaps just a few words saying why mom isn't there - (calling from work? A divorced mom calling him at his dad's house? Calling from a girl's get-away vacation?)
The Jack Daniel's being in his room speaks volumes. Kids these days have way too easy a time at getting booze and prescription drugs right at home. No need to buy illegal stuff from the pushers on the street.
The Grim Reaper gets to collect another young soul. I found this more sad than horrific. The last line carries a profound punch. Rose.

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015

Thanks, Rose, but you know how flash fiction works. In order for it to be effective you must leave some aspects of the story open to the readers interpretation. If you paint it in blacks and whites with no gray areas, it will bomb miserably.

The implication for the phone call is that since she's a single mom and worried about him making the school bus on time, their normal daily routine has been interrupted. She's working nights these days, after a lengthy stint on day shift, a shift which enabled her to make sure he got on the bus on time. These are the thoughts I had while writing it.

Flash fiction is to prose what free verse is to poetry, I think. The reader has to do a lot of thinking and reading between the lines to get the full effect and impact.

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and opinions on this with me. I very much appreciate it.

~Dean

reply by Just2Write on 02-Apr-2015

I thought so - but I threw in my 2 cents anyway. It was a great story, and I was able to connect the dots.

Comment from write hand blue

Excellent

Another of your masterpieces of terror.

Well presented with the music to set the scene.

'No one sings along' A good ending...

:) Mel.

 Comment Written 02-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015

Thank you, Mel. I am happy you enjoyed it. -----Dean

Comment from davisr (Rhonda)

Excellent

Love lost is terror all by itself. I love the way you pack so much meaning into your words, so that it takes few of them to convey the message. I learned, this time I read it earlier in the evening...

The last line is awesome, "No one sings along." That says it all.

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015

Thank you, Rhonda. I feel this story is far scarier than bogeymen or monsters. Sadly, situations just like the one played out in this story happen every single day.

So sad...

Thanks again.~Dean

Comment from madhatter1977

Excellent

Hi, Dean! Boy, do you have an imagination and talent for writing short stories. I'm more used to your poems. Don't fear the reaper is a class song too and I think the voice-over works very well too. I thought this could have been developed further but it's very effective as a short piece too about the broken-hearted teen. Best wishes, my friend, Pete :)

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015

Thanks very much, Pete. It's an all too real, all too common occurrence these days. ~Dean

Comment from Maureen's Pen

Excellent

Dear Dean - this seems so raw and yet dramatic too. The music really gets the mood going, well penned - you say a lot in a short story.
Thanks for sharing,
Mo

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015

Thanks, Mo, I'm very happy to know that you felt the emotion in this. Much appreciated. ~Dean

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hey, Dean...

Very dark, yet excellent portrayal in so few words how traumatic a breakup is for a teenager. Sometimes, the love around them just isn't enough to aid them in being able to cope.

Your music is an exceptional touch that, as you wanted, sets the tone for the work.

Excellent work, my fiend.

Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Thanks, Jax. This one is a bit more raw and real than some of the others in this contest. I very much appreciate you taking the time to review it.

~Dean

Comment from GWHARGIS

Excellent

As a mother of three teenagers this one got me in a different way. Terror doesn't just come from bumps in the night. This was like floating over the scene. Nice finish. Gretchen

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

You're absolutely right, Gretchen, it certainly doesn't.

Thanks you very much for your review. ~Dean

Comment from lakeport

Excellent

She loves me not, indeed it seems Johnny is taking drugs and likes to drink,
I enjoyed reading the story. God bless you. Lakeport.....

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

He committed suicide because his steady girlfriend broke up with him, lakeport. Hence, the mention of the crumpled note in his fist.

You know as well as I do, the most trivial things can often send a teenager right over the brink and into the abyss. They feel as if it's the end of the world.

Thank you very much for your review. ~Dean

reply by lakeport on 01-Apr-2015

you are very welcome, lakeport.

Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca

Excellent

Ah the master of the grim things arises again.
Nicely done is a short piece so brilliantly finished in a twist.
Nicely presented as only you can do.
Next!

 Comment Written 01-Apr-2015

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reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015

Thanks, Barb. I've been really surprised by the replies I've received for this posting on how many people's lives have been touched by a suicide in their own families. Such a sad, waste of human life, suicide.

Thanks so much again. ~Dean