Walking Through My Mind
Control of the mind is tranquility24 total reviews
Comment from valerieellis
Beautifully written! The only suggestion I have is perhaps space the lines in a way so the rhyme and rhythm flows easier. I noticed the rhyme is there but the lines are not separated into the form of a traditional stanza. Besides that, great job!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Beautifully written! The only suggestion I have is perhaps space the lines in a way so the rhyme and rhythm flows easier. I noticed the rhyme is there but the lines are not separated into the form of a traditional stanza. Besides that, great job!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Thank you
Comment from stephybs
Seems like a nice walk through the mind from time to time helps us all . Your reflection shows a very descriptive vision. Excellent read! Stephanie
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Seems like a nice walk through the mind from time to time helps us all . Your reflection shows a very descriptive vision. Excellent read! Stephanie
Comment Written 21-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Thank you
Comment from kiwijenny
Good advice
I love this and your author notes..self worth is key
Thank you for sharing
Cool metaphor walking through my mind
God bless
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Good advice
I love this and your author notes..self worth is key
Thank you for sharing
Cool metaphor walking through my mind
God bless
Comment Written 21-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Thank you
Comment from w.j.debi
The mind is a tricky place. It is the most private of all places we can visit, but as you state it can also be the most unpredictable. What will you find there?
The internal rhyming scheme is interesting and not one I have run across before. The writing is smooth, making the message flow freely as it is read.
You set up the theme well and bring it home in the closing line. We need self worth to make life worthwhile and to be able to stand up to whatever comes our way.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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The mind is a tricky place. It is the most private of all places we can visit, but as you state it can also be the most unpredictable. What will you find there?
The internal rhyming scheme is interesting and not one I have run across before. The writing is smooth, making the message flow freely as it is read.
You set up the theme well and bring it home in the closing line. We need self worth to make life worthwhile and to be able to stand up to whatever comes our way.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Thank you
Comment from royowen
A lot of wisdom is hidden in your your imaginative rhyming poem disguised as a piece of prose. It's true that one cannot change that past, nor should they hang on to it, nor let it influence what you do in the present, although the future's direction can be changed by the present, or at least have an influence on it! Well done, great rhyming, following an aaa rhyming, the meter is even, the language is elegant and neat, with a well ordered narrative, not really a stream of consciousness like one would expect, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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A lot of wisdom is hidden in your your imaginative rhyming poem disguised as a piece of prose. It's true that one cannot change that past, nor should they hang on to it, nor let it influence what you do in the present, although the future's direction can be changed by the present, or at least have an influence on it! Well done, great rhyming, following an aaa rhyming, the meter is even, the language is elegant and neat, with a well ordered narrative, not really a stream of consciousness like one would expect, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you
Comment from walbc
I really like your poem, elpoetry001. You are able to evoke strong imagery in the mind of the reader, and your choice of subject is most interesting. It reminds us that we are all members of the human race and have so much in common. eg our thoughts ... "Variety, anxiety, and joy, some seem real, some are surreal" and "some thoughts I fight, some I cringe from in fright".
In my humble opinion, I think your poem would have presented better and been easier to read if you had written it with stanzas, shorter lines rather than the lengthy "sentences" you have done. I think it would then have flowed much better and been easier on the reader's eye.
Your poem is rather philosophical and raises many questions in the mind of the reader. We all at times retreat into our inner selves to gain freedom, and escape from the world around us. It is nice to know we are not alone.
Your poem is partly free verse and partly rhythmical. You certainly have the makings of an excellent piece, I think editing and changing the layout to stanzas would greatly improve it. Well done. Regards, Wendy.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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I really like your poem, elpoetry001. You are able to evoke strong imagery in the mind of the reader, and your choice of subject is most interesting. It reminds us that we are all members of the human race and have so much in common. eg our thoughts ... "Variety, anxiety, and joy, some seem real, some are surreal" and "some thoughts I fight, some I cringe from in fright".
In my humble opinion, I think your poem would have presented better and been easier to read if you had written it with stanzas, shorter lines rather than the lengthy "sentences" you have done. I think it would then have flowed much better and been easier on the reader's eye.
Your poem is rather philosophical and raises many questions in the mind of the reader. We all at times retreat into our inner selves to gain freedom, and escape from the world around us. It is nice to know we are not alone.
Your poem is partly free verse and partly rhythmical. You certainly have the makings of an excellent piece, I think editing and changing the layout to stanzas would greatly improve it. Well done. Regards, Wendy.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you. I am enrolled in an online poetry class that starts next week.
I have been winging it and it shows.
I will get better.
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You wing it quite well. Good luck in the class I am sure you will do well. Regards, Wendy
Comment from m.cleveland
I am a little confused by this poem. It kind of reminds me of the 'hippies' of my day (that I never understood either). I am rather new here too, and often don't recognize certain poem types, but this seems like a mixture of free verse and rhymed poetry. There are many rhymes in it, but then there are paragraphs that appear more like reading a book. If I am missing a type of poetry here that you are trying to use, please let me know. Otherwise, it seems to me that a poem should be one type or another, not a mixture. It does seem rather long here, comparing to the ones I usually see on this site, but I do know that there are lots of longer poems out there. The subject is certainly recognizable with a well drawn conclusion. Good luck on your new learning endeavor!
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reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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I am a little confused by this poem. It kind of reminds me of the 'hippies' of my day (that I never understood either). I am rather new here too, and often don't recognize certain poem types, but this seems like a mixture of free verse and rhymed poetry. There are many rhymes in it, but then there are paragraphs that appear more like reading a book. If I am missing a type of poetry here that you are trying to use, please let me know. Otherwise, it seems to me that a poem should be one type or another, not a mixture. It does seem rather long here, comparing to the ones I usually see on this site, but I do know that there are lots of longer poems out there. The subject is certainly recognizable with a well drawn conclusion. Good luck on your new learning endeavor!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thank you
Comment from SkyAsia
A peach within reach is free. All those days we want souls relief, or clever acceptance within the lights taste fair,and rare investment. Your daily praise to our Lord showers happily. Good work when all distress is roaming the printed testimony. Solidify simple entrustment is better after these moments and minutes.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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A peach within reach is free. All those days we want souls relief, or clever acceptance within the lights taste fair,and rare investment. Your daily praise to our Lord showers happily. Good work when all distress is roaming the printed testimony. Solidify simple entrustment is better after these moments and minutes.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Thank you.
Comment from RichardFann
Well done, for a novice.
Fabulous.
Have a great time on this site and learn, learn, learn.
I am a beginner.
Main things you have:
A wide range of imagination
and an overpowering desire to talk.
To share your ideas and thoughts.
These two things are really important for any author.
I suggest you use the advanced editor on FanStory.
I do a poem in Word, copy it, set up advanced editor,
and use Control+V to paste it into the text box, then reformat it.
I have to hack about a bit with this re-formatting
as my technique is clunky.
I feel your text lines are too long, and the pitch too small.
Experiment.
I know relatively little about formatting.
But if you reformat your work you will get a more poetic format.
Also it's nice to add a picture.
You will see that the top poets on this site
have advanced presentation skills as well as word skills.
To improve as a poet and writer, read a lot. Poetry and prose.
And try to find a creative writers group, so you can get
real feedback right away.
There are also free online courses...maybe you have done some already.
Best wishes with your writing.
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Well done, for a novice.
Fabulous.
Have a great time on this site and learn, learn, learn.
I am a beginner.
Main things you have:
A wide range of imagination
and an overpowering desire to talk.
To share your ideas and thoughts.
These two things are really important for any author.
I suggest you use the advanced editor on FanStory.
I do a poem in Word, copy it, set up advanced editor,
and use Control+V to paste it into the text box, then reformat it.
I have to hack about a bit with this re-formatting
as my technique is clunky.
I feel your text lines are too long, and the pitch too small.
Experiment.
I know relatively little about formatting.
But if you reformat your work you will get a more poetic format.
Also it's nice to add a picture.
You will see that the top poets on this site
have advanced presentation skills as well as word skills.
To improve as a poet and writer, read a lot. Poetry and prose.
And try to find a creative writers group, so you can get
real feedback right away.
There are also free online courses...maybe you have done some already.
Best wishes with your writing.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
Comment from risktaker
I enjoyed reading this story. i like the viewpoint you expressed and the word choice. the structure flows freely and i like the tone. It feels like self-discovery through quiet meditation. I relate to your desire to reduce conflict and friction. i also seek peace, harmony, and calm. i look at the positive in all situations, and I run from negativity like someone running from a fire. I love my less stress life. thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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I enjoyed reading this story. i like the viewpoint you expressed and the word choice. the structure flows freely and i like the tone. It feels like self-discovery through quiet meditation. I relate to your desire to reduce conflict and friction. i also seek peace, harmony, and calm. i look at the positive in all situations, and I run from negativity like someone running from a fire. I love my less stress life. thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Thank you
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