Tales Of Darkness And Light
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "When Death Comes"Finding Light Through Shadowed Paths
17 total reviews
Comment from me_tudor
Wow, this was a little dark but very well done. It really pulled me through with it's rhythm. I haven't been on here for awhile but I think you used to write under a different pen name, didn't you? I enjoyed the poem though. Great job!
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Wow, this was a little dark but very well done. It really pulled me through with it's rhythm. I haven't been on here for awhile but I think you used to write under a different pen name, didn't you? I enjoyed the poem though. Great job!
Comment Written 10-Feb-2015
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, The Death,
Simplistic in its presentation, yet complex, powerful, and thought provoking.
Great entry. All the best in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Hi, The Death,
Simplistic in its presentation, yet complex, powerful, and thought provoking.
Great entry. All the best in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 09-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Thanks for reading and reviewing, Jax.
Comment from Glasstruth
Sounds gloomy until I got the very end and then it changed with the realization of existence and the essence of living. Very clever. Death, is something most of us fear. A great subject. Something that poets can't resist. Well crafted. Les
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Sounds gloomy until I got the very end and then it changed with the realization of existence and the essence of living. Very clever. Death, is something most of us fear. A great subject. Something that poets can't resist. Well crafted. Les
Comment Written 09-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Les. Glad you enjoyed the theme.
Comment from Quoiky
Wow, This was amazing. Dark, but amazing,
The descriptions you use are delicate, dark, and accurate.
It reminded me of E.A. Poe.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Wow, This was amazing. Dark, but amazing,
The descriptions you use are delicate, dark, and accurate.
It reminded me of E.A. Poe.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Thanks for such a kind compliment and positive review.
Comment from mumsyone
This is an interesting story about death, well done in free verse. I like the fact that it also has good punctuation - something I think every good poem needs, to aid the reader in seeing it as the poet sees it.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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This is an interesting story about death, well done in free verse. I like the fact that it also has good punctuation - something I think every good poem needs, to aid the reader in seeing it as the poet sees it.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Hi, Lois.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts. I agree with you about the role of punctuation in writing. Thanks for good luck wishes, too.
Regards,
Anupam
Comment from judiverse
This is very measured and controlled, in keeping with the solemn subject. This is such a sad subject for one so young. Excellent simile--"like a sooty flame." Alliteration is great with waltzing--waves. I guess your poem has some optimism, as you write about gathering the shattered pieces and bringing with it a new dawn. Your last stanza speaks to the finality of death, the inevitability. Lovely word choices throughout, and much success in the contest. judi
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reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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This is very measured and controlled, in keeping with the solemn subject. This is such a sad subject for one so young. Excellent simile--"like a sooty flame." Alliteration is great with waltzing--waves. I guess your poem has some optimism, as you write about gathering the shattered pieces and bringing with it a new dawn. Your last stanza speaks to the finality of death, the inevitability. Lovely word choices throughout, and much success in the contest. judi
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 10-Feb-2015
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Hi, Judi.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about this one. I wanted to set a pensive tone, hence made it more personal. As you know, I mostly write about the light hidden beneath the dark, so this one might appear sorrowful initially, but the end is full of hope.
Regards,
Anupam
PS - I got your recent posts in my inbox. Glad to see you're now taking interest in script-writing. Not sure how to review it, but I'll share my thoughts atleast.
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You're so welcome. As you liked "Gone Girl" you'd probably like the new, very popular "Girl on a Train." It's a thriller. judi
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I looked it up on internet. I think you are talking about the one by Paula Hawkins. There have been some movies with the same name as well. I'll try to have its copy asap. Thanks for suggesting me the book. I love thrillers.
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Hi. Yes, Paula Hawkins was the author. It certainly kept me reading. judi
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding poem, dear Anupam. Leaning toward a six but it could use a tiny tweak or two or three.
The substance is deep, reflective and uniquely voiced. The tone is pensive and ironically serene in spite of emotional intensity.
Very much enjoyed this. Lots to praise in terms of poetic devices and fluidity in phrasing. You know I noticed all those nuances and applaud, so I'll not list every one. Just highlights and critique...
NOTES:
Love this--very powerful and well said:
like a sooty flame
waltzing with waves of air--
to embrace my vulnerability
through silent diffusion
of inner shrapnel.
Nice subtle rhymes here and medley of S sounds too:
When death comes...
nothing else sums,
as shadows of repentance
become the undesired acquaintance,
*
screaming what has already gone,
Feels like it is missing a word here. Maybe try:
screaming at what has already gone,
screaming about what has already gone,
*
like a child witnessing (an) eclipse
of the full moon--
*
breathes too calm to hear--
breaths
Insightful (and nice alliteration and consonance of F):
not out of fear but relief...
this final ride toward a new life.
Well voiced:
When death comes,
the clock stands still to let
me enter the realm of darkness,
where uncertainty waits
to be felt and explored--
and there...I walk without any worry,
as the music of my footsteps
guides me through a timeless passage
of memories and dreams.
the above stanza is eloquent and polished with tons of great poetic devices and depth of meaning. The tone and intensity is superb. Bravo. It could stand on its own as a single-stanza poem, too.
This stanza is good, but I admit I found your punctuation choices distracting and imprecise (just my opinion!):
When death comes,
it endows me the chance of
reminiscing my deeds, words,
unsaid thoughts--
all enveloping their light around me,
in this world devoid of ifs and buts,
and all this repletes my hollowness
with a sense of contentment,
that everlasting feeling
every being longs for.
Also, I stumbled on this phrasing:
it endows me the chance of reminiscing
How about:
it endows me a chance to reminisce
Shall I share my interpretation of the above in terms of different punctuation and the change I just mentioned? Just for your consideration, my friend:
When death comes,
it endows me a chance to
reminisce my deeds, words,
unsaid thoughts
all enveloping their light around me
in this world devoid of ifs and buts;
and all this repletes my hollowness
with a sense of contentment--
that everlasting feeling
every being longs for.
Powerful stanza and it gives a new perspective on the significance of rebirth... (note one suggestion):
When death comes,
I gather all my shattered pieces,
assemble them as an imperfect whole
so as to prepare to be sculpted again-- (GREAT LINE)
and I finally dare to break free from
(the) web of earthly griefs, and look forward
to this new opportunity--
wondrous, undefined, and without
any expectation.
Eloquent and well voiced:
When death comes,
it brings along the break of dawn... (consider dash here)
another possibility of finding peace
in this transient sleep...
only to wake up to infinite horizons
waiting to be discovered.
LOVE the closing...the shift in tone, the radiance of light...and the closing of the sentence "When death comes', which now comes at the end instead of the beginning of both sentence and stanza, thus subtly symbolizing rebirth. If that was intentional--it's brilliant! If not--it's synchronized intuition. Bravo, either way!
When death comes,
it doesn't appear in
shades of black but white--
it wants nothing from me, you,
or anyone else...
instead, it delivers the ultimate
truth of existence...
and this realization radiates
the essence of living--
thus life reciprocates light...
when death comes.
Bravo. Nice to see you posting. I really do not have time to review but could not resist when I saw your name in my inbox!
Namaste, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2015
|
Outstanding poem, dear Anupam. Leaning toward a six but it could use a tiny tweak or two or three.
The substance is deep, reflective and uniquely voiced. The tone is pensive and ironically serene in spite of emotional intensity.
Very much enjoyed this. Lots to praise in terms of poetic devices and fluidity in phrasing. You know I noticed all those nuances and applaud, so I'll not list every one. Just highlights and critique...
NOTES:
Love this--very powerful and well said:
like a sooty flame
waltzing with waves of air--
to embrace my vulnerability
through silent diffusion
of inner shrapnel.
Nice subtle rhymes here and medley of S sounds too:
When death comes...
nothing else sums,
as shadows of repentance
become the undesired acquaintance,
*
screaming what has already gone,
Feels like it is missing a word here. Maybe try:
screaming at what has already gone,
screaming about what has already gone,
*
like a child witnessing (an) eclipse
of the full moon--
*
breathes too calm to hear--
breaths
Insightful (and nice alliteration and consonance of F):
not out of fear but relief...
this final ride toward a new life.
Well voiced:
When death comes,
the clock stands still to let
me enter the realm of darkness,
where uncertainty waits
to be felt and explored--
and there...I walk without any worry,
as the music of my footsteps
guides me through a timeless passage
of memories and dreams.
the above stanza is eloquent and polished with tons of great poetic devices and depth of meaning. The tone and intensity is superb. Bravo. It could stand on its own as a single-stanza poem, too.
This stanza is good, but I admit I found your punctuation choices distracting and imprecise (just my opinion!):
When death comes,
it endows me the chance of
reminiscing my deeds, words,
unsaid thoughts--
all enveloping their light around me,
in this world devoid of ifs and buts,
and all this repletes my hollowness
with a sense of contentment,
that everlasting feeling
every being longs for.
Also, I stumbled on this phrasing:
it endows me the chance of reminiscing
How about:
it endows me a chance to reminisce
Shall I share my interpretation of the above in terms of different punctuation and the change I just mentioned? Just for your consideration, my friend:
When death comes,
it endows me a chance to
reminisce my deeds, words,
unsaid thoughts
all enveloping their light around me
in this world devoid of ifs and buts;
and all this repletes my hollowness
with a sense of contentment--
that everlasting feeling
every being longs for.
Powerful stanza and it gives a new perspective on the significance of rebirth... (note one suggestion):
When death comes,
I gather all my shattered pieces,
assemble them as an imperfect whole
so as to prepare to be sculpted again-- (GREAT LINE)
and I finally dare to break free from
(the) web of earthly griefs, and look forward
to this new opportunity--
wondrous, undefined, and without
any expectation.
Eloquent and well voiced:
When death comes,
it brings along the break of dawn... (consider dash here)
another possibility of finding peace
in this transient sleep...
only to wake up to infinite horizons
waiting to be discovered.
LOVE the closing...the shift in tone, the radiance of light...and the closing of the sentence "When death comes', which now comes at the end instead of the beginning of both sentence and stanza, thus subtly symbolizing rebirth. If that was intentional--it's brilliant! If not--it's synchronized intuition. Bravo, either way!
When death comes,
it doesn't appear in
shades of black but white--
it wants nothing from me, you,
or anyone else...
instead, it delivers the ultimate
truth of existence...
and this realization radiates
the essence of living--
thus life reciprocates light...
when death comes.
Bravo. Nice to see you posting. I really do not have time to review but could not resist when I saw your name in my inbox!
Namaste, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2015
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Wow! Thanks for this super-wonderful and constructive review, dear friend. I was more than happy to see you being the first to review this. :) With the current length of the poem and the cents it's offering, I'm not expecting more than three reviews LOL!
I know this theme is close to both of us. I tried my best to bring out the 'light' part in this supposedly dark theme. I have made most of the corrections as per your suggestions, which were spot-on, as always. The fourth and last stanza ate my favorite as well, and that looped closing with 'when death comes' was intentional. You got my intention behind those lines. :)
Thanks a ton for sharing your insightful thoughts. It's always a pleasure being reviewed by you. I'm not active here, too, as you know what I've been going through. Glad to see you are able to visit from time to time. Have a great week ahead!
Regards,
Anupam
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Sorry for the typos. My phone is teasing me heh-heh!
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Also super glad you're able to visit from time to time too...and that our visits coincided! ;) Warm Regards, rd
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Thanks for the thumb! I cannot answer PMs so thanking here. Sorry for my typos too Ha ha ha