Panic and Adrenaline
What do you do?36 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for an entertaining story that gives us different views and puts us to thinking. What would anyone do in any given situation, most of us don't know. But many, if not most, would choose to be survivors, which can change a story in a single choice or sentence. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Thanks for an entertaining story that gives us different views and puts us to thinking. What would anyone do in any given situation, most of us don't know. But many, if not most, would choose to be survivors, which can change a story in a single choice or sentence. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Ric, thank you for taking the time to read and review. It is much appreciated.
Comment from Leineco
Whoa! Very unique approach!!! I really like this "split screen" vision. I was totally hooked from line one.
And I did not see the ". . .dropped that bitch," I say, "we're out." coming 8-O
And, of course, Part 2 was a complete surprise (loved it!)
Best of luck in the voting. This is surely a top contender!!
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Whoa! Very unique approach!!! I really like this "split screen" vision. I was totally hooked from line one.
And I did not see the ". . .dropped that bitch," I say, "we're out." coming 8-O
And, of course, Part 2 was a complete surprise (loved it!)
Best of luck in the voting. This is surely a top contender!!
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Unique is a great word for a writer to hear. Thanks for the excellent review.
Comment from CHIGYSISKI
Very nice entry to the contest prompt.Very well written with no SPAG detected.It had a very nice twist at the end.Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Very nice entry to the contest prompt.Very well written with no SPAG detected.It had a very nice twist at the end.Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. It is much appreciated.
Comment from José Ángel
Excellent story which've accomplished, probably will be talking about the competition in which it participates, a pleasure to read your work. My congratulations, hugs from Chile
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Excellent story which've accomplished, probably will be talking about the competition in which it participates, a pleasure to read your work. My congratulations, hugs from Chile
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time.
Comment from Jay Squires
your thoughts are tangled and jumbled, time is running out ... [a run-on sentence. You need a semicolon or a period after
"jumbled"]
with a sucking wound in her chest. [Sorry, I'm not visualizing "a sucking wound"]
People sob all around you, some plead for their lives, others beg you to save the woman or the baby or both. [You have three complete sentences, separated by commas. These are run-on sentences (or comma splices); you need to replace the commas with periods or semicolons.]
I look at my watch when you shoot her and shake my head. [You are now talking about a past event. You need to use the past tense for that.]
You feel it too. Your heart beat slows [Okay, now I'm having some problems. You, the doctor, are the POV character. You can't tell what the shooter is thinking or feeling. I don't know how, or if you'll work it out, but right now it's disconcerting.]
"I ain't no son of yours, but I might need you two. [two or too?]
I'm chuckling... somehow, you brought it off with the multiple viewpoints. There are some inconsistencies that have to be worked out and there's considerable SPAG.
I'm deducting a star for the SPAG, but I'll give it back as soon as you correct the nits and let me know. By SPAG, I mainly mean the run-on sentences.
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Here, Catch! With the full explanation you gave this is fully deserving of the five stars. The multiple and interwoven viewpoints, you must admit, can startle the reviewers sensibilities. I'm glad you pointed out the underlying motivation of the character.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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your thoughts are tangled and jumbled, time is running out ... [a run-on sentence. You need a semicolon or a period after
"jumbled"]
with a sucking wound in her chest. [Sorry, I'm not visualizing "a sucking wound"]
People sob all around you, some plead for their lives, others beg you to save the woman or the baby or both. [You have three complete sentences, separated by commas. These are run-on sentences (or comma splices); you need to replace the commas with periods or semicolons.]
I look at my watch when you shoot her and shake my head. [You are now talking about a past event. You need to use the past tense for that.]
You feel it too. Your heart beat slows [Okay, now I'm having some problems. You, the doctor, are the POV character. You can't tell what the shooter is thinking or feeling. I don't know how, or if you'll work it out, but right now it's disconcerting.]
"I ain't no son of yours, but I might need you two. [two or too?]
I'm chuckling... somehow, you brought it off with the multiple viewpoints. There are some inconsistencies that have to be worked out and there's considerable SPAG.
I'm deducting a star for the SPAG, but I'll give it back as soon as you correct the nits and let me know. By SPAG, I mainly mean the run-on sentences.
***********************************************************
Here, Catch! With the full explanation you gave this is fully deserving of the five stars. The multiple and interwoven viewpoints, you must admit, can startle the reviewers sensibilities. I'm glad you pointed out the underlying motivation of the character.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Jay,
I truly appreciate the thorough look, I've taken a look at the run on sentences and corrected those. Now I'll address some of the inconsistencies you noted. The sucking wound is something that happens when you get shot in the chest (specifically affecting one of the lungs). I'm going to stand by that one.
When I wrote this story there were a couple of things I wanted to convey, one is that Richard (who isn't really a doctor by the way) thinks he knows everything, especially what Eddie is thinking. So in his own way especially in the first part he is an omniscient narrator. Also the first part of the story is actually just a scenario and none of it happens so it isn't referring to past events at any point. It's just the way Richard talks because at that point he's telling the story.
And the two is two (meaning I might need the both of you).
Thanks again for the great review. It's always nice to get another eye on a piece like this.
Comment from livelylinda
DerivedBetter: great story! You keep the reader in suspense about what, where and why through half of it then I never saw the ending coming. Good work here for an exciting story. livelylinda
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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DerivedBetter: great story! You keep the reader in suspense about what, where and why through half of it then I never saw the ending coming. Good work here for an exciting story. livelylinda
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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I'm all about some suspense. Thank you for the kind comments.
Comment from brentman99
An interesting story, but I'm not sold on the picture. It sort of plays into the first part, but not so much the second. But then again, I don't have a better one, so it works.
I have a couple of suggestions that you can use or ignore:
New York (C)ity - usual spelling.
I dropped th(e) bitch," I say, "we're out." - you dropped a particular person.
"We're home (free). - usual wording, but yours is not wrong.
Overall, I liked it. I thought that the ending was fitting and it was a nice read. Thanks for sharing, Brent.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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An interesting story, but I'm not sold on the picture. It sort of plays into the first part, but not so much the second. But then again, I don't have a better one, so it works.
I have a couple of suggestions that you can use or ignore:
New York (C)ity - usual spelling.
I dropped th(e) bitch," I say, "we're out." - you dropped a particular person.
"We're home (free). - usual wording, but yours is not wrong.
Overall, I liked it. I thought that the ending was fitting and it was a nice read. Thanks for sharing, Brent.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Brent. Thanks for the edit. I went back and changed a few things that you suggested. I really do appreciate the second look.
Comment from Michaelk
Wow! What a great story. I did not see that twist coming, and I'm usually pretty good at seeing the twist in a story.
Excellent characters, very well defined, and interesting. The interaction between the two was great, very tension filled. Your descriptions were excellent at setting the pace. I felt like the time was slowing down when you described it. At first it was a little jarring when you switched from Richard to Eddie, but I caught up quickly. That's about the only downside I can see to this story. Like the robbery itself, it was very well planned.
Excellent work.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Wow! What a great story. I did not see that twist coming, and I'm usually pretty good at seeing the twist in a story.
Excellent characters, very well defined, and interesting. The interaction between the two was great, very tension filled. Your descriptions were excellent at setting the pace. I felt like the time was slowing down when you described it. At first it was a little jarring when you switched from Richard to Eddie, but I caught up quickly. That's about the only downside I can see to this story. Like the robbery itself, it was very well planned.
Excellent work.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Those are definitely compliments I like to hear. Thank you for the awesome review.
Comment from AAud
Well done! Nobody writes much in second person, but this was really cool! It was filled with suspense from start to finish. I liked getting to see what was going on in both their minds. Quite a clever twist at the end too!
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Well done! Nobody writes much in second person, but this was really cool! It was filled with suspense from start to finish. I liked getting to see what was going on in both their minds. Quite a clever twist at the end too!
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Yeah, it was kind of tough to pull of the perspectives, but I'm glad it worked out. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Greetings DB,
This is an excellent use of the contest prompt. Like the title suggests, it was a full adrenaline rush from the beginning. I also liked the surprise ending, who would have thunk it? My best to you with this contest entry. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Greetings DB,
This is an excellent use of the contest prompt. Like the title suggests, it was a full adrenaline rush from the beginning. I also liked the surprise ending, who would have thunk it? My best to you with this contest entry. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2014
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review.