My Brother's Keeper
A Contest Entry26 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Clever story of a split personality and a psycho guy completely out of touch with reality. I like how he imagines he strangled himself. Good ending, too. Nice entry. :)
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Clever story of a split personality and a psycho guy completely out of touch with reality. I like how he imagines he strangled himself. Good ending, too. Nice entry. :)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Phyllis, thanks, I'm glad you got it and liked. Your review is much appreciated.
Comment from Hareem.S
This is a great story with some very strong expressions. The descriptions are very vivid and the dialogues kept me glued till the end.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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This is a great story with some very strong expressions. The descriptions are very vivid and the dialogues kept me glued till the end.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2014
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Thank you soo much for taking the time to read and review, it is much appreciated.
Comment from Jay Leeward
Webster's New World College Dictionary, 4th Ed, lists as the second definition of "stun" as "to daze or stupefy; shock deeply; astound; overwhelm". I could grab my Roget's and find a lot of other words but I think Webster's says it pretty completely. Certainly, the definition fits my state of mind when I got to the end of your work.
WOW!
As I began reading this piece, at the first mention of Bruce, I made a note in my review notes. Second mention caused me to shake my head, asterisk the note, and go back to the top to see if I had missed his introduction. I hadn't, so I kept reading...and kept reading...and kept reading.
I had a couple of spag notes. However, I tend not to mention them unless they are really obnoxious. If they hadn't been written down on a pad on my desk, I would not be able to retrieve them now. "Daze", "stupefy", "overwhelm". Yes, exactly.
Thank you very much for an outstanding read. I won't forget this for a long time -- if ever!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Webster's New World College Dictionary, 4th Ed, lists as the second definition of "stun" as "to daze or stupefy; shock deeply; astound; overwhelm". I could grab my Roget's and find a lot of other words but I think Webster's says it pretty completely. Certainly, the definition fits my state of mind when I got to the end of your work.
WOW!
As I began reading this piece, at the first mention of Bruce, I made a note in my review notes. Second mention caused me to shake my head, asterisk the note, and go back to the top to see if I had missed his introduction. I hadn't, so I kept reading...and kept reading...and kept reading.
I had a couple of spag notes. However, I tend not to mention them unless they are really obnoxious. If they hadn't been written down on a pad on my desk, I would not be able to retrieve them now. "Daze", "stupefy", "overwhelm". Yes, exactly.
Thank you very much for an outstanding read. I won't forget this for a long time -- if ever!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Wow. Thanks Jay. Your comment had made my day. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review. I'm glad you liked the piece. I like to walk the thin line of leaving clues but still surprising the reader at the end. Have a great night.
Tony.
Comment from emrpoems
excellent use of dialogue
good character development and interaction
Lots of intense drama that keeps the reader on his toes
Love the use of strong verbs
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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excellent use of dialogue
good character development and interaction
Lots of intense drama that keeps the reader on his toes
Love the use of strong verbs
Comment Written 25-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review.
Comment from LIJ Red
Being lazy, I read, then read the reviews-several of them
caught far more than I did-maybe you fixed it. At any rate,
I'm sure you will, and this is five star stuff.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Being lazy, I read, then read the reviews-several of them
caught far more than I did-maybe you fixed it. At any rate,
I'm sure you will, and this is five star stuff.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Yep, fixed everything I agreed with lol. Mostly tips and stuff from writing on an android tablet. Thanks for the stars and the great review, much appreciated.
Comment from adewpearl
stuff get's all muddled - drop the apostrophe
even a mexican one - Mexican
good character development
Shut up, bitch - add comma for direct address
excellent use of authentic-sounding dialogue that conveys characters' emotions well
killed/ripped/stabbed/strangled - compelling selection of high-impact action verbs to add dramatic intensity
Brooke
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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stuff get's all muddled - drop the apostrophe
even a mexican one - Mexican
good character development
Shut up, bitch - add comma for direct address
excellent use of authentic-sounding dialogue that conveys characters' emotions well
killed/ripped/stabbed/strangled - compelling selection of high-impact action verbs to add dramatic intensity
Brooke
Comment Written 25-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Thanks for the edit, and taking the time. It is much appreciated.
Comment from Titan Black
This is the making for a "Best Seller".
You have great writing skills. I mean
You had my attention, from the beginning
to the end. Keith was a real case. And
I like the Identical Twin twist. That was
hot. I look forward to reading more of your
books and stories. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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This is the making for a "Best Seller".
You have great writing skills. I mean
You had my attention, from the beginning
to the end. Keith was a real case. And
I like the Identical Twin twist. That was
hot. I look forward to reading more of your
books and stories. Keep writing.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Wow. Thank you for the review and the kind words. Have a great day.
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No problem. And don't forget to stop by my page, and check out some of my poetry. And if you like what you read, click on that "Fan" button. For, this is all about the networking. So, stay connected.
Comment from c_lucas
You show the signs of being a good wordsmith. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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You show the signs of being a good wordsmith. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2014
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Awesome, thank you very much. Have a great day.
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You're welcome, DB. Charlie
Comment from humpwhistle
I read this yesterday, but decided to give it a day to percolate. The story stayed with me. I like the colloquial voice you use in your telling.
It's not easy to write something like while maintaining a balance. You want to surprise your reader at the end, but you have to play fair with them throughout. You handled that very well.
I know I said yesterday, and I apologize. I read it earlier this morning. I get confused sometimes.
Sorry about misspeaking L
Best of luck with the judges.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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I read this yesterday, but decided to give it a day to percolate. The story stayed with me. I like the colloquial voice you use in your telling.
It's not easy to write something like while maintaining a balance. You want to surprise your reader at the end, but you have to play fair with them throughout. You handled that very well.
I know I said yesterday, and I apologize. I read it earlier this morning. I get confused sometimes.
Sorry about misspeaking L
Best of luck with the judges.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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I appreciate you taking the time to let it percolate. I'm glad that it stuck with you. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from drivenbackward
Great ending. The beginning is a little cliché, though. And there was a bit too much telling for me throughout the story. But still solid. A few notes to consider:
chain link fence -- chain-link fence
Lonely, desolate...haunted? -- Ellipsis ... has a space on each side.
He had a few colored friends and even a mexican one that would hang with with him now and again so he wasn't necessarily a racist but let somebody a shade or two darker then his deep summer tan spark his wrath and the slurs he'd be slinging would probably hurt nearly as bad as the fists and feet that'd be following them. -- Way too long. Try to break up into at least two sentences.
fist sized rock -- fist-sized rock
"I don't have to take this shit Jenny -- Comma after 'shit'
People were staring, fucking mouths hanging open -- 'People stared' Avoids passive/telling
"Shut up bitch, we're done," He pivots and stalks away from her -- Period after 'done'. Followed by an action, not a speech tag.
"You shouldn't go Keith. -- Comma after go'
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Great ending. The beginning is a little cliché, though. And there was a bit too much telling for me throughout the story. But still solid. A few notes to consider:
chain link fence -- chain-link fence
Lonely, desolate...haunted? -- Ellipsis ... has a space on each side.
He had a few colored friends and even a mexican one that would hang with with him now and again so he wasn't necessarily a racist but let somebody a shade or two darker then his deep summer tan spark his wrath and the slurs he'd be slinging would probably hurt nearly as bad as the fists and feet that'd be following them. -- Way too long. Try to break up into at least two sentences.
fist sized rock -- fist-sized rock
"I don't have to take this shit Jenny -- Comma after 'shit'
People were staring, fucking mouths hanging open -- 'People stared' Avoids passive/telling
"Shut up bitch, we're done," He pivots and stalks away from her -- Period after 'done'. Followed by an action, not a speech tag.
"You shouldn't go Keith. -- Comma after go'
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Thanks for the great review and the free editing.
