haibun (a needed rest)
haibun-contest entry34 total reviews
Comment from seaglass
Ahhh...a wonderful new poetry tool for telling the story of the creation of man. I wonder if things would have gone better if God had rested after the animals. This descriptive word picture of the garden and the innocent of those first few hours of life is made real in your creative piece.
  |
Ahhh...a wonderful new poetry tool for telling the story of the creation of man. I wonder if things would have gone better if God had rested after the animals. This descriptive word picture of the garden and the innocent of those first few hours of life is made real in your creative piece.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
The earth was beautiful The water was clean. The plants were in abundance. The animals were plentiful and thriving.
Then God made man and woman. We know how the story goes after that. I love the picture. I love the poem. Great work.
 |
The earth was beautiful The water was clean. The plants were in abundance. The animals were plentiful and thriving.
Then God made man and woman. We know how the story goes after that. I love the picture. I love the poem. Great work.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from faragon
I liked this poem about the wildlife and man peaceful together. I think you did well with the combining of the two different styles.
|
I liked this poem about the wildlife and man peaceful together. I think you did well with the combining of the two different styles.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from JM
I think your write is very creative. I loved the imagery you used to re-create Adam and Eve. You have some lovely alliterations, my favorite "h": Hummingbirds hover. I like your "warning": "Man cometh". Overall, I believe you have a winner here. I cast my vote.
|
I think your write is very creative. I loved the imagery you used to re-create Adam and Eve. You have some lovely alliterations, my favorite "h": Hummingbirds hover. I like your "warning": "Man cometh". Overall, I believe you have a winner here. I cast my vote.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Not familiar with this form so I am no judge Michael but I can judge the content of the poem and you did paint a pretty picture of young love and a summer night. You are very talented. Nancy
|
Not familiar with this form so I am no judge Michael but I can judge the content of the poem and you did paint a pretty picture of young love and a summer night. You are very talented. Nancy
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from rama devi
Hi Mikey. Bravo. This has delicious imagery. Fine haibun style, and it almost perfectly as per contest directives. The haiku might need revising.
My main suggestion for the prose part is to consider rephrasing some sentences so there are not so many starting with "A".
NOTES
The world is fresh.
Good opening--sets the tone.
Glorious greens grace the landscape.
Nice alliteration of G plus subtle (interpretive) personification
Orchids, some with smiling faces, others pondering.
Superb personification. Good consonance of S.
A festive floral color riot.
Nice descriptive and alliteration of F with consonance of L, too.
Good 'list' of apr imagery here, ornamented with fine alliteration and other devices:
A river dances with the breeze. A salmon slaps the surface. A small ripple splashes the shore. A curious woodchuck wiggles a wet snout.
A tree branch bends to monkeyshines. A parrot parrots a wolf's warning. A crocodile cruises. A hummingbird hovers. Paradise circles, rotates, and flies through the universe.
However, it feels too list-like, especially with all those A's. Here's an idea to trim a few by replacing with alternatives like THE, ONE and merging a sentence or two:
The river dances with the breeze. A salmon slaps the surface as small ripple splashes the shore. A curious woodchuck wiggles a wet snout.
One tree branch bends to monkeyshines. A parrot parrots a wolf's warning. Lone crocodile cruises. A hummingbird hovers. Paradise circles, rotates, and flies through the universe.
Love that closing personification of Paradise.
Wonderful Shift--zooming the lens to the infinite showing two becoming one:
Omnipotent vision... an image of self. He, lithe and striding though alone. Then asleep and dreaming perhaps. An intervention and grand improvement. She, softer and swaying as she moves. He follows, intoxicated. They embrace. The perfect picture. Innocents entwined under the laden apple tree.
Suggestions to consider:
He, lithe and striding, though alone, and then asleep and dreamin, perhaps.
Love this phrasing: The moon is rising a silky silver.
Nice bonus whimsy with this wink:
Stars wink in approval. Summer evening. Rejoice!
I'm not sure about the haiku...as it does not really have concrete imagery as per the specific content directives:
it must have 2 grammatically interconnected lines of concrete imagery (usually lines 1&2, but can be lines 2&3).
I am not sure how strict it has to be for the haiku in terms of concrete images, so five stars for you.
An enjoyable read. Nice tone to match the tenor of your theme.
Good luck.
Warmly, rd
|
Hi Mikey. Bravo. This has delicious imagery. Fine haibun style, and it almost perfectly as per contest directives. The haiku might need revising.
My main suggestion for the prose part is to consider rephrasing some sentences so there are not so many starting with "A".
NOTES
The world is fresh.
Good opening--sets the tone.
Glorious greens grace the landscape.
Nice alliteration of G plus subtle (interpretive) personification
Orchids, some with smiling faces, others pondering.
Superb personification. Good consonance of S.
A festive floral color riot.
Nice descriptive and alliteration of F with consonance of L, too.
Good 'list' of apr imagery here, ornamented with fine alliteration and other devices:
A river dances with the breeze. A salmon slaps the surface. A small ripple splashes the shore. A curious woodchuck wiggles a wet snout.
A tree branch bends to monkeyshines. A parrot parrots a wolf's warning. A crocodile cruises. A hummingbird hovers. Paradise circles, rotates, and flies through the universe.
However, it feels too list-like, especially with all those A's. Here's an idea to trim a few by replacing with alternatives like THE, ONE and merging a sentence or two:
The river dances with the breeze. A salmon slaps the surface as small ripple splashes the shore. A curious woodchuck wiggles a wet snout.
One tree branch bends to monkeyshines. A parrot parrots a wolf's warning. Lone crocodile cruises. A hummingbird hovers. Paradise circles, rotates, and flies through the universe.
Love that closing personification of Paradise.
Wonderful Shift--zooming the lens to the infinite showing two becoming one:
Omnipotent vision... an image of self. He, lithe and striding though alone. Then asleep and dreaming perhaps. An intervention and grand improvement. She, softer and swaying as she moves. He follows, intoxicated. They embrace. The perfect picture. Innocents entwined under the laden apple tree.
Suggestions to consider:
He, lithe and striding, though alone, and then asleep and dreamin, perhaps.
Love this phrasing: The moon is rising a silky silver.
Nice bonus whimsy with this wink:
Stars wink in approval. Summer evening. Rejoice!
I'm not sure about the haiku...as it does not really have concrete imagery as per the specific content directives:
it must have 2 grammatically interconnected lines of concrete imagery (usually lines 1&2, but can be lines 2&3).
I am not sure how strict it has to be for the haiku in terms of concrete images, so five stars for you.
An enjoyable read. Nice tone to match the tenor of your theme.
Good luck.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
This was quite a profound message, Mikey. The fall of man through the effects of sin, the ruination of paradise for all.
You set the stage well throughout with excellent alliteration and eloquent wording. The imagery you've created here is both captivating and alluring.
Well done, Mikey. This is some excellent writing!~Dean
|
This was quite a profound message, Mikey. The fall of man through the effects of sin, the ruination of paradise for all.
You set the stage well throughout with excellent alliteration and eloquent wording. The imagery you've created here is both captivating and alluring.
Well done, Mikey. This is some excellent writing!~Dean
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from TAB_that's me
Very good haibun Mikey. I love the imagery in the prose and then the 'oh' in the haiku. Good luck in the contest.
~~Teresa~~
|
Very good haibun Mikey. I love the imagery in the prose and then the 'oh' in the haiku. Good luck in the contest.
~~Teresa~~
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from shelley kaye
wow this was excellent! very descriptive sentences - i liked the alliteration, made it very easy too see the pictures in my mind. great job! thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest :-)
|
wow this was excellent! very descriptive sentences - i liked the alliteration, made it very easy too see the pictures in my mind. great job! thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest :-)
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
Comment from robina1978
Lovely terse prose you made for this prompt, covering many aspects of nature. Your Haiku is excellent. Best wishes for the prompt.
|
Lovely terse prose you made for this prompt, covering many aspects of nature. Your Haiku is excellent. Best wishes for the prompt.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2014
