The Circus is Here!
Lots of excitement for the Hedgerow Friends28 total reviews
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
What a delightful, refreshing, entertaining story! I was enthralled from the beginning. Your characters are so lovable, and as for Miss Tilda the Toad on her trapeze...well, the mind really boggles. I could imagine reading this to my grandchildren with pride and delight, as I watch their happy faces imagining the scenes you depict in their own little minds.
Worth every bit the six stars. Nits? I didn't pick up a single thing I did not like. No SPAG errors and grammatically appropriate for a childrens' tale. (Perhaps not for a 'big' person's story!)
Thanks so much. Anthony.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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What a delightful, refreshing, entertaining story! I was enthralled from the beginning. Your characters are so lovable, and as for Miss Tilda the Toad on her trapeze...well, the mind really boggles. I could imagine reading this to my grandchildren with pride and delight, as I watch their happy faces imagining the scenes you depict in their own little minds.
Worth every bit the six stars. Nits? I didn't pick up a single thing I did not like. No SPAG errors and grammatically appropriate for a childrens' tale. (Perhaps not for a 'big' person's story!)
Thanks so much. Anthony.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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LOL, thank you so very much for this lovely review and shiny 6 stars!! I have already murdered a few nits, they do tend to pop up somewhere when I'm not looking. I'm so pleased you couldn't find one. Thank you again, Anthony. :) Sandra xsx
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Perhaps the nits are getting the message?!
As stated elsewhere, I am looking forward to more of your delightful work. Ant.
Comment from Just Pete
Well, I tried to find a "nit" but to my mind, this is a perfectly told story that entices a reader to start drawing pictures of the characters. Loved the image of the multi-talented octopus. A great imagination. Pete
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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Well, I tried to find a "nit" but to my mind, this is a perfectly told story that entices a reader to start drawing pictures of the characters. Loved the image of the multi-talented octopus. A great imagination. Pete
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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Aw, thank you my dear friend. My octopus was a big hit, LOL. I am writing a sequel at the moment, Millie the Mole has something on her mind! :) Thank you also, and a really big hug for the shiny 6 stars!! Bless your heart. :) Sandra xx
Comment from sibhus
Sorry to disappoint, but I didn't see any spags. this was a really cute kids story. I enjoyed the wonder of the little animals enjoying the day at the circus, this was a fun read.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Sorry to disappoint, but I didn't see any spags. this was a really cute kids story. I enjoyed the wonder of the little animals enjoying the day at the circus, this was a fun read.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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What a lovely review, thank you so much, Sibhus. I am really pleased you enjoyed it. :) sandra
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Millie is cooking up something in her own mind. Perhaps they will be having their own Circus when we visit them again. The little Hedge Row Critters are very good at making their own fun.I didn't catch any spags Sandra. Well done my friend. XSX Nancy
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Millie is cooking up something in her own mind. Perhaps they will be having their own Circus when we visit them again. The little Hedge Row Critters are very good at making their own fun.I didn't catch any spags Sandra. Well done my friend. XSX Nancy
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thank you, my lovely friend, what a lovely review. Yes, Millie is hatching something up, watch this space!! LOL. I am consentrating on my books for a while, keep my mind active and away from the knee. I'll e-mail you as soon as I get home. Thank you again, and a huge thank you for the 6 stars! Big hug, xsx Sandra
Comment from rama devi
Second review
No time to re-read but since you mentioned accepting all edits (keeping UK spelling, of course)...Five stars for you!
First review (FOUR stars)
This is cute and has an enthusiastic tone and tenor kids will love. Good pacing adn dialog, for the most part. As requested in your notes--I am noting all the nits...mostly spag, and some suggestions regarding speech tags, adverb usage, passive voicing, etc.
NOTES
*
Timmy and Tommy's eyes almost popped out of their heads, they had never, ever, in their whole lives, seen such sights.
Suggest making this two sentences. Otherwise, you need a semicolon after HEADS. Suggest:
Timmy and Tommy's eyes almost popped out of their heads. They had never, ever, in their whole lives, seen such sights.
* The speech tag is quite a run on sentence here and it is a bit spaggy too:
"Come along and watch the clowns and magicians. There is so much to see, lots of very exciting things including...our brave...and daring...Miss...Tilda...the...Toad on her flying trapeze!" Bengie Bear, the ringmaster, hollered out loudly as he threw a long silver cane high into the sky and catching it when it came back down, much to the delight of Timmy and Tommy Mouse.
May I suggest an alternative? (also--hollered is a good verb--it does not need the crutch of an adverb (loudly)
Example:
"Come along and watch the clowns and magicians," Bengie Bear, the ringmaster, hollered. "There is so much to see, lots of very exciting things including...our brave...and daring...Miss...Tilda...the...Toad on her flying trapeze!" He threw a long silver cane high into the sky and caught it when it came back down, much to the delight of Timmy and Tommy Mouse.
*Formatting typo--insert line break:
"W..wow!" stammered Tommy.
They turned and looked at each other, nodded, then ran quickly back indoors.
Consider trimming 'quickly'. RAN conveys speed. Or if you want a stronger feeling of speed, maybe use RUSHED.
*
"Can we go to the circus? Can we? Can we please, Mummy? Can we go to the circus?" they both asked, excitedly.
It is unlikely they will both say the exact same words simultaneously--not verb believable. I recommend using both voices there. And perhaps consider action tags to show rather than tell. Example:
"Can we go to the circus? Can we?" asked Tommy with a excited tone.
"Can we please, Mummy? Can we go to the circus?" Timmy's eyes grew round.
*
Their daddy was still sat(SITTING) at the table, drinking a cup of tea while he read the paper.
*He looked up smiling, and said, "Yes, you can go. I remember going to the circus when I was a lad."
Suggest:
He looked up and smiled. "Yes, you can go. I remember going to the circus when I was a lad."
*
"Isn't it wonderful?" G(g)asped Vickie the Vole. "I have(I've) never been to a circus before."
*Her eyes were shining with excitement.
Her eyes shone with excitement.
*
Reggie the Rat just couldn't stand still,(; or -- or .) he was jumping up and down, eagerly waiting to go in.
*
"Can we go now? Can we go now?" he pleaded desperately, "I want a good seat in the front so we can see better."
The words show pleading, so no need to tell it. Avoid adverbs with speech tags. I recommend an action tag here (show instead of tell):
"Can we go now? Can we go now?" His eye brows raised. "I want a good seat in the front so we can see better."
* Once the Big Tent was full right up, the lights dimmed and everyone sat very still,(NO COMMA) and stayed very quiet... and waited.
*
Suddenly...a big blue spot light flashed on and spun speedily around the circus ring, up the sides of the tent, (and) then across the top and back down again.
*began spiralling all over the ground.
Is it UK spelling? In USA< only one 'l': spiraling
* And all this time, a team of fluffy white bunny rabbits had been racing around the edge of the ring,(no ,) with a super-mouse on each of their backs.
*
The crowd were so thrilled,(no ,) they stood up clapping and cheering even louder than before.
* But that wasn't all, because as the ring emptied, the drums began rolling again and the lights dimmed.
But that wasn't all because, as the ring emptied, the drums began rolling again and the lights dimmed.
*
Everyone became quiet again,(; or .) they sat down waiting...wondering what was going on.
*Once again(,) the beam of light came on, this time just keeping the light at the top of the big tent.
*
"Look...Look, up there!" he shouted loudly, "That must be Miss Tilda the Toad on the flying trapeze!"
LOUDLY is not needed because shouting indicates it. Also, spaggy. Suggest:
"Look...look, up there!" he shouted. "That must be Miss Tilda the Toad on the flying trapeze!"
*
"Wow!" Tommy and Timmy gasped out loud,(.) "Look at her go!"
*
"Oh, double WOW!" S(s)creamed out Cyril the Squirrel,(no ,) as Miss Tilda hung upside down on her swing,
*
As Millie watched Miss Tilda the Toad, a little twinkle came into her eyes,(--)an idea was forming in her mind.
Do let me know if you make edits, dear.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Second review
No time to re-read but since you mentioned accepting all edits (keeping UK spelling, of course)...Five stars for you!
First review (FOUR stars)
This is cute and has an enthusiastic tone and tenor kids will love. Good pacing adn dialog, for the most part. As requested in your notes--I am noting all the nits...mostly spag, and some suggestions regarding speech tags, adverb usage, passive voicing, etc.
NOTES
*
Timmy and Tommy's eyes almost popped out of their heads, they had never, ever, in their whole lives, seen such sights.
Suggest making this two sentences. Otherwise, you need a semicolon after HEADS. Suggest:
Timmy and Tommy's eyes almost popped out of their heads. They had never, ever, in their whole lives, seen such sights.
* The speech tag is quite a run on sentence here and it is a bit spaggy too:
"Come along and watch the clowns and magicians. There is so much to see, lots of very exciting things including...our brave...and daring...Miss...Tilda...the...Toad on her flying trapeze!" Bengie Bear, the ringmaster, hollered out loudly as he threw a long silver cane high into the sky and catching it when it came back down, much to the delight of Timmy and Tommy Mouse.
May I suggest an alternative? (also--hollered is a good verb--it does not need the crutch of an adverb (loudly)
Example:
"Come along and watch the clowns and magicians," Bengie Bear, the ringmaster, hollered. "There is so much to see, lots of very exciting things including...our brave...and daring...Miss...Tilda...the...Toad on her flying trapeze!" He threw a long silver cane high into the sky and caught it when it came back down, much to the delight of Timmy and Tommy Mouse.
*Formatting typo--insert line break:
"W..wow!" stammered Tommy.
They turned and looked at each other, nodded, then ran quickly back indoors.
Consider trimming 'quickly'. RAN conveys speed. Or if you want a stronger feeling of speed, maybe use RUSHED.
*
"Can we go to the circus? Can we? Can we please, Mummy? Can we go to the circus?" they both asked, excitedly.
It is unlikely they will both say the exact same words simultaneously--not verb believable. I recommend using both voices there. And perhaps consider action tags to show rather than tell. Example:
"Can we go to the circus? Can we?" asked Tommy with a excited tone.
"Can we please, Mummy? Can we go to the circus?" Timmy's eyes grew round.
*
Their daddy was still sat(SITTING) at the table, drinking a cup of tea while he read the paper.
*He looked up smiling, and said, "Yes, you can go. I remember going to the circus when I was a lad."
Suggest:
He looked up and smiled. "Yes, you can go. I remember going to the circus when I was a lad."
*
"Isn't it wonderful?" G(g)asped Vickie the Vole. "I have(I've) never been to a circus before."
*Her eyes were shining with excitement.
Her eyes shone with excitement.
*
Reggie the Rat just couldn't stand still,(; or -- or .) he was jumping up and down, eagerly waiting to go in.
*
"Can we go now? Can we go now?" he pleaded desperately, "I want a good seat in the front so we can see better."
The words show pleading, so no need to tell it. Avoid adverbs with speech tags. I recommend an action tag here (show instead of tell):
"Can we go now? Can we go now?" His eye brows raised. "I want a good seat in the front so we can see better."
* Once the Big Tent was full right up, the lights dimmed and everyone sat very still,(NO COMMA) and stayed very quiet... and waited.
*
Suddenly...a big blue spot light flashed on and spun speedily around the circus ring, up the sides of the tent, (and) then across the top and back down again.
*began spiralling all over the ground.
Is it UK spelling? In USA< only one 'l': spiraling
* And all this time, a team of fluffy white bunny rabbits had been racing around the edge of the ring,(no ,) with a super-mouse on each of their backs.
*
The crowd were so thrilled,(no ,) they stood up clapping and cheering even louder than before.
* But that wasn't all, because as the ring emptied, the drums began rolling again and the lights dimmed.
But that wasn't all because, as the ring emptied, the drums began rolling again and the lights dimmed.
*
Everyone became quiet again,(; or .) they sat down waiting...wondering what was going on.
*Once again(,) the beam of light came on, this time just keeping the light at the top of the big tent.
*
"Look...Look, up there!" he shouted loudly, "That must be Miss Tilda the Toad on the flying trapeze!"
LOUDLY is not needed because shouting indicates it. Also, spaggy. Suggest:
"Look...look, up there!" he shouted. "That must be Miss Tilda the Toad on the flying trapeze!"
*
"Wow!" Tommy and Timmy gasped out loud,(.) "Look at her go!"
*
"Oh, double WOW!" S(s)creamed out Cyril the Squirrel,(no ,) as Miss Tilda hung upside down on her swing,
*
As Millie watched Miss Tilda the Toad, a little twinkle came into her eyes,(--)an idea was forming in her mind.
Do let me know if you make edits, dear.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Phew!!! Wow, Rama, thank you very much for this help. I have made the changes except for the word 'spiralling' yes, that is the UK way of spelling it. I did double check, we do spell it differently. Thank you!! :) xsx Sandra
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Phew!!! Wow, Rama, thank you very much for this help. I have made the changes except for the word 'spiralling' yes, that is the UK way of spelling it. I did double check, we do spell it differently. Thank you!! :) xsx Sandra
I just tried to nominate you for this magnificent review, but it says I have already done so in the last 30 days. I thought that time had expired by now. I am sorry, I really wanted you to know how much I appreciated this help. xsx
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Thanks for your lovely and gracious reply, dear. Big warm hugs, rd
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Thank you again, my friend. xxx
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Most welcome, dear friend xxx
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:-))
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Sandra:)
Wow! you really made this unusual circus sound exciting. I know children everywhere will relate to the magical feeling of this story. I really must send a copy to our great granddaughters. (My great grandson is a bit too old now that he is in college.)
I did note a few small nits:
1. The two boys watched as the procession [move ==. moved] off down the lane until they stopped at Hedgerow Village Green.{A typo?}
2. Their daddy [was] still sat at the table, drinking a cup of tea while he read the paper.Delete 'was' as indicated.}
3. The crowd [were ==> was]so thrilled, they stood up clapping and cheering even louder than before. {Wrong tense?}
Love and Irish Hugs for all the fun.
Roger
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Hi Sandra:)
Wow! you really made this unusual circus sound exciting. I know children everywhere will relate to the magical feeling of this story. I really must send a copy to our great granddaughters. (My great grandson is a bit too old now that he is in college.)
I did note a few small nits:
1. The two boys watched as the procession [move ==. moved] off down the lane until they stopped at Hedgerow Village Green.{A typo?}
2. Their daddy [was] still sat at the table, drinking a cup of tea while he read the paper.Delete 'was' as indicated.}
3. The crowd [were ==> was]so thrilled, they stood up clapping and cheering even louder than before. {Wrong tense?}
Love and Irish Hugs for all the fun.
Roger
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Hi Roger, thank you so very much for your lovely review, and for finding those nits, little devils, always sneak in when I'm not looking. I have been in and exterminated them!! LOL. I can't believe you have a great grandson in college, you sound so young!! I guess its the Irish sparkle in you! Thank you again my friend. xsx Sandra
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HI Sandra:)
Marilyn and I are both eighty. We have been married for fifty-three years and expect to be around many more years. I don't know about Marilyn's blood relatives, She was adopted but manuy of mine lived to be well over one hundred years old.
More Irish Hugs to keep you young.
Roger
Comment from Aussie
Happy, Happy days at the circus where all the animals do play. I liked your children's story - and so would kids that read it. I have never been to a circus - I would love to see Circus de Sole - no animals performing. Well done with your story, shows you are feeling your old self again.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Happy, Happy days at the circus where all the animals do play. I liked your children's story - and so would kids that read it. I have never been to a circus - I would love to see Circus de Sole - no animals performing. Well done with your story, shows you are feeling your old self again.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Aww, thank you so much, Kay, you are an angel. Thank you for the shiny sixer, and the lovely review. I would love to see that circus too, I hate animal circuses, they are cruel. I'm up and down at the moment, I go to see the consultant tomorrow, I am worried about the dressing, he said I wasn't to touch it, but there is a lot of blood on it. I suppose its normal? I'll let you know what he says. Thank you again, my dearest Australian friend. (Sad about Gungalo, wasn't it.) xsx Sandra
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Yes, normal. How did you go at the consultant? Sad about Pam, she was a good writer. :-0 XX
Comment from reconciled
I always loved the circus....-smile- Hey Sandy....how are you...? any better...? hope so. Anyway thank you for the lighthearted moment....love Michael
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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I always loved the circus....-smile- Hey Sandy....how are you...? any better...? hope so. Anyway thank you for the lighthearted moment....love Michael
Comment Written 29-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Michael, my sweet friend, I am feeling sort of ok, I will be glad when the pain eases. I have normally got a high pain threshold, but I seem to have reached it and passed it by! Oh, well, at least I have 2 legs and most of my sanity!!! Thank you for the lovely shiny stars! You are my star! Love you loads, xsx Sandra
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I'm sorry Sandy....I know it hurts...but it will be worth it in a couple months...hang on...-smile-
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Great description of the action... love the sounds too..rrrumpity rrrump and trumpity trump. LOL! Sounds to me like Millie got a dangerous idea in her head. Will this be continued?
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Great description of the action... love the sounds too..rrrumpity rrrump and trumpity trump. LOL! Sounds to me like Millie got a dangerous idea in her head. Will this be continued?
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Aha, you spotted the clue!! Yep, another episode in this particular story coming soon. :) Thank you my dear friend for your wonderful words, and for that glowing 6 shiny stars! You are my secret angel. :) (I know that, because you know a lot about heaven and hell!) xsx Sandra
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Yes, but which angel am I? From up or from dowwwwnn... muahahaaaa... :)
Comment from IndianaIrish
An enjoyable story,,Sandra, and I think kids will love the circus. It's amazing you have the most perfect picture. The ending is great and sure left me wondering what she has planned. A couple of suggestions ...
Their daddy was still sat at the table ( delete was or change sat to sitting)
large swirls of smoke, yellow, green, pink and blue (I think this would read smoother if it read ... large swirls of yellow, green, pink,and blue smoke)
The crowd were (was) so thrilled.
Screamed (screamed) out
Smiles,
Karyn : )
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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An enjoyable story,,Sandra, and I think kids will love the circus. It's amazing you have the most perfect picture. The ending is great and sure left me wondering what she has planned. A couple of suggestions ...
Their daddy was still sat at the table ( delete was or change sat to sitting)
large swirls of smoke, yellow, green, pink and blue (I think this would read smoother if it read ... large swirls of yellow, green, pink,and blue smoke)
The crowd were (was) so thrilled.
Screamed (screamed) out
Smiles,
Karyn : )
Comment Written 28-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2014
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Thank you so very much for your help, Karyn, I have made those changes you sugested and it works so much better. I want to get it as spag free as possible, before sending it in to be checked out and sorted. Millie the Mole left it open for the sequel, which will be coming soon and the they will be published together. The illustration was a stroke of luck, it came from Clip Art. Thank you again, for being such a great friend. xsx Sandra.