Writing Prompt Entries 2014
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "haiku (river runs through)"The clue is in the title!
21 total reviews
Comment from krys123
Debra, Your first two lines into related to each other and are very expressive and descriptive to its imagery why your third line or satori sums up the totality of your haiku and which makes it artistically vibrant and poignant. Good luck in the contest or prompt and thank you for sharing am posting this for everyone and may all your endeavors be good ones.
Alex
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Debra, Your first two lines into related to each other and are very expressive and descriptive to its imagery why your third line or satori sums up the totality of your haiku and which makes it artistically vibrant and poignant. Good luck in the contest or prompt and thank you for sharing am posting this for everyone and may all your endeavors be good ones.
Alex
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2014
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Thank you Alex for your great feedback and good luck wishes. I appreciate both! Kindest regards, Debra :)
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You are so sincerely welcome Debra
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the picture.I love the poem. We humans have done many things to destroy the beauty of nature. The river keeps trying. It flows over our trash, trying to desolve it away. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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I love the picture.I love the poem. We humans have done many things to destroy the beauty of nature. The river keeps trying. It flows over our trash, trying to desolve it away. Great work. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Hi Ellie :) How are you? I was just wondering about you the other day, glad to hear from you :)
Thank you so much for your lovely feedback and generous 6 star rating. I also really appreciate the good luck wishes.
Kindest regards as always, Debra :) x
Comment from Just2Write
Excellent Haiku about our disappearing rivers. I had written a poem on a similar theme called Daylighting a River. It's a growing concept, where urban planners are finding buried or abandoned creeks and rivers and restoring them to daylight, and to the species that used to call them home.
Loved your double entendre of prey/pray.
You met all the rules of this contest. Many did not.
Rose.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Excellent Haiku about our disappearing rivers. I had written a poem on a similar theme called Daylighting a River. It's a growing concept, where urban planners are finding buried or abandoned creeks and rivers and restoring them to daylight, and to the species that used to call them home.
Loved your double entendre of prey/pray.
You met all the rules of this contest. Many did not.
Rose.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Hello Rose :) Thank you so much for your lovely feedback. What a great idea, restoring these places to their former glory... I hate to see how we are destroying our world by our selfish and thoughtless habits. Have you published your poem on Fanstory?
Kindest regards, Debra :)
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Hi Debra - Yes, it is on the site.
In my portfolio: Daylighting a River
If the site does squelch the link - here it is:
Comment from Erik McGinley
I am not a fan of this stuff at all, though I love herons and think they are incredibly beautiful birds.
As a suggestion, and I know it's cheeky as hell, maybe "reclining"?
Like I say, this stuff is not my forte and maybe I am only wanting to read my own emotional reaction to herons.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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I am not a fan of this stuff at all, though I love herons and think they are incredibly beautiful birds.
As a suggestion, and I know it's cheeky as hell, maybe "reclining"?
Like I say, this stuff is not my forte and maybe I am only wanting to read my own emotional reaction to herons.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Erik for your feedback. Just thought I'd try my hand at haiku, I find them a bit daunting. I love herons too :) kindest regards as always, debra
Comment from Domino 2
At least the herons aren't religious ('pray'), Debs. Maybe they need to join FS to get converted. :-) Nice alliteration in that line without sounding forced.
At first I thought you'd broken the first line at a false point, rather than have it sort of stand alone and also run into the 2nd line, but when reading a couple more times, I changed my mind and think it works.
Top imagery even without the need for artwork, and that's a writing gift.
Excellent.
Cheers, Ray
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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At least the herons aren't religious ('pray'), Debs. Maybe they need to join FS to get converted. :-) Nice alliteration in that line without sounding forced.
At first I thought you'd broken the first line at a false point, rather than have it sort of stand alone and also run into the 2nd line, but when reading a couple more times, I changed my mind and think it works.
Top imagery even without the need for artwork, and that's a writing gift.
Excellent.
Cheers, Ray
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thanks Ray for your kind feedback. I usually avoid haiku because they scare me, but for some reason, I thought I'd have a go...!
Thanks again :) Debs x
Comment from CR Delport
Sometimes I look around me and look at the mess humans leave behind, and I wonder why some people have to be like that. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Sometimes I look around me and look at the mess humans leave behind, and I wonder why some people have to be like that. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thank you for your rest feedback and good luck wishes. I appreciate both! Kind regards, Debra
Comment from Dean Kuch
Nice haiku, Debra, very nice. I loved the play on pray/prey in your satori. You also went with a unique 4-6-5 approach, very intriguing.
The allusion to a declining beauty spot also raised a touch of sadness, as a great deal of nature's most beautiful places are being inundated by pollution and waste.
Excellent work, should do extremely well in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Nice haiku, Debra, very nice. I loved the play on pray/prey in your satori. You also went with a unique 4-6-5 approach, very intriguing.
The allusion to a declining beauty spot also raised a touch of sadness, as a great deal of nature's most beautiful places are being inundated by pollution and waste.
Excellent work, should do extremely well in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Hi Dean, thanks for your encouraging feedback :) I changed the final line slightly so my syllable count is now 4-6-4 (more obviously short/long/short than before). Kindest regards as aways, Debra :)
Comment from Nosha17
Yes, wherever the river has made its mark there will always be the lovely wildlife associated with it. I love herons. I used to live near the canal in Lancashire and there were always herons there. Well chosen words to convey your thoughts on the river. Good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Yes, wherever the river has made its mark there will always be the lovely wildlife associated with it. I love herons. I used to live near the canal in Lancashire and there were always herons there. Well chosen words to convey your thoughts on the river. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Hi Faye :) Thank you for your lovely feedback and good luck wishes. I appreciate both! Kindest regards as always, Debra :)
Comment from Bieke
Nice. And it shows what is happening in the picture. I think though that your form is a bit too wide in the bottom line. It has only one syllable less than the middle line. Even visually that is not in keeping with the form. How about you change the last line to
Heron perches
It will bring the syllables down to four and it will also put the last line as a thought that runs into the first two. We know a perching heron is looking for prey so you don't need to say that and it will give it a punch.
You may disagree.
Well done
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Nice. And it shows what is happening in the picture. I think though that your form is a bit too wide in the bottom line. It has only one syllable less than the middle line. Even visually that is not in keeping with the form. How about you change the last line to
Heron perches
It will bring the syllables down to four and it will also put the last line as a thought that runs into the first two. We know a perching heron is looking for prey so you don't need to say that and it will give it a punch.
You may disagree.
Well done
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Hi Bieke :) Thank you for your great feedback. I appreciate your critique and have taken your suggestion on board. I changed the final line to 'perched heron preys' - reducing the syllable count from 5 to 4 and keeping the intended double meaning of the word prey (pray).
Kindest regards, Debra
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Oh, I like that. And yes, I had totally missed out on the prey-pray connections. Nice save!
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Thanks for your feedback :)
Comment from zanya
The heron still frequents its stomping ground ,the neglected rive, but now no more for its original purpose- we humans distort and destroy with our litter 'instincts'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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The heron still frequents its stomping ground ,the neglected rive, but now no more for its original purpose- we humans distort and destroy with our litter 'instincts'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Thank you zany for your great feedback. Kindest regards, Debra :)