Trevor Rocks
146 words16 total reviews
Comment from Cajungirl
Very good story, your story meeting the requirements of the contest. At fourteen he is already a bum, how very sad. best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Very good story, your story meeting the requirements of the contest. At fourteen he is already a bum, how very sad. best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Thank you.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~
You've managed to write a really good story which is sadly quite true these days.. But, this is very well-written.. Great Job and God bless~
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Hello there~
You've managed to write a really good story which is sadly quite true these days.. But, this is very well-written.. Great Job and God bless~
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Sincere thanks.
Comment from Witwoo
This is for a contest, so I'm gonna give you the business...
"clock-radio" (no dash)
"Breakfast's on the table," (period, not comma)
" Get out of bed." (remove the space after the first quotation)
"I'm sick," (period, not comma)
"His mother [was] [un]convinced, but when she checked his temperature and saw the (p pallor) of her son's skin, she fed [him] two Tylenols and left water by the bed before leaving for work. (I removed the ['] from Tylenols)
I was shocked when arrived at the end of the story, even though I was clued in earlier with 'spasms'. So, good job there. Good luck in the contest.
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reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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This is for a contest, so I'm gonna give you the business...
"clock-radio" (no dash)
"Breakfast's on the table," (period, not comma)
" Get out of bed." (remove the space after the first quotation)
"I'm sick," (period, not comma)
"His mother [was] [un]convinced, but when she checked his temperature and saw the (p pallor) of her son's skin, she fed [him] two Tylenols and left water by the bed before leaving for work. (I removed the ['] from Tylenols)
I was shocked when arrived at the end of the story, even though I was clued in earlier with 'spasms'. So, good job there. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Thanks. I do appreciate your comments. Taking the time to actually give a proper review is rare.
I agree with clock radio--already changed.
I don't agree with the period after table and have not changed it.
I've removed the rogue space in the quote.
I do not agree with the period after 'I'm sick' and the dialogue tag is an identifier of the quote, not a separate thought.
'His mother wasn't convinced' VS his mother was unconvinced, as per your suggestion, mean the same thing and either is correct. I've changed it only to prove that I was paying attention.
Changing Trevor to him, is highly subjective, either being correct, but again I changed it. My original sentence was not incorrect.
I'd rather debate the POV of the reviewer than never get feedback. In this case I made some changes, but not all that you noted.
I appreciate your attention and the read.
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Never change anything unless you want to. My personal quote is "Adopt or reject, it makes no difference to me."
Comment from Nosha17
Shocking realistic story, that one would rather not think about, but is not uncommon. You made good use of language in the narrative and descriptions and you fulfilled the requirements very well. Good luck in the contest. Faye
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Shocking realistic story, that one would rather not think about, but is not uncommon. You made good use of language in the narrative and descriptions and you fulfilled the requirements very well. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Thanks, I appreciate the read.
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a rather sad story that follows the prompt and uses all the required words in a natural way. I feel sorry about the boy who, left to his own devices, got into super big trouble.
I like the dark wit in the closing lines.
Some small changes I recommend:
In paragraph 2, a comma should replace the semicolon.
In paragraph 3, "anymore" should be two words: ANY MORE.
In the sentence beginning "His mother wasn't convinced," I suggest omitting the word "pale" because it's repetitive: it means the same thing as "pallor."
In the last line, "prophesy," used here as a noun, should be spelled PROPHECY.
Good luck to you in the contest, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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This is a rather sad story that follows the prompt and uses all the required words in a natural way. I feel sorry about the boy who, left to his own devices, got into super big trouble.
I like the dark wit in the closing lines.
Some small changes I recommend:
In paragraph 2, a comma should replace the semicolon.
In paragraph 3, "anymore" should be two words: ANY MORE.
In the sentence beginning "His mother wasn't convinced," I suggest omitting the word "pale" because it's repetitive: it means the same thing as "pallor."
In the last line, "prophesy," used here as a noun, should be spelled PROPHECY.
Good luck to you in the contest, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Wow, in less than 150 words, I certainly left a trail of errors!
Thank you very much for your very sharp eye in catching and advising me. The issues have already been corrected.
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That was not really so many errors - so easy to make when you're typing fast and thinking of story line, etc. I took another look, and ('scuse the nagging) when you removed "pale" you inadvertently left the "p." Thought you'd like to know.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
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LOL...yes I do. Thanks.
Comment from Distracted23
Very nice. You got all the words in there and wrote a cool story. Sad, but still cool :-). I should probably start working on those writing prompts, myself. I also like the photo you chose. Good work and thanks for sharing. Be well and always write.
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reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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Very nice. You got all the words in there and wrote a cool story. Sad, but still cool :-). I should probably start working on those writing prompts, myself. I also like the photo you chose. Good work and thanks for sharing. Be well and always write.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-May-2014
reply by the author on 07-May-2014
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During the time I have spent on FS, I have found the prompts extremely helpful. Trust me, if we waited to be inspired, perhaps we would not write as often and suffer from rusty hinges.
I treat prompts like school assignments--obligatory, for the most part.
Thanks for reading.