Short Form Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Eternity's Length"A Collection Of Short Form Poetry
26 total reviews
Comment from Green Lake Girl
I love your poem and the message. I see many people finding new love in their 60's and 70's. It's a wonderful thing. Humans weren't meant to be alone. Well done, Mikey.
  |
I love your poem and the message. I see many people finding new love in their 60's and 70's. It's a wonderful thing. Humans weren't meant to be alone. Well done, Mikey.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from seaglass
A beautiful 50705love poem and of course you are so right. I just watched a love story filmed in England (PBS)about an elderly couple in their 70's and it was very romantic.
Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic and love everything about love.
 |
A beautiful 50705love poem and of course you are so right. I just watched a love story filmed in England (PBS)about an elderly couple in their 70's and it was very romantic.
Then again, I'm a hopeless romantic and love everything about love.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from SLHarper
Wow, Mikey Cahill, you romantic, you! You always manage to pack rich, raw emtotion into your poems -- even when you employ some shorter forms or rhyming styles (even though your free verse is the best) -- as a reader of poetry, I'm more interested in the meanings of the words, themselves, first, then whether the images are picturesque and/or unique (yet genuine, rather than stilted), then whether sound play, double entendres, etc., are employed, then (and only then!) Whether the rhymes and meter are well-crafted (and sometimes, off-rhythms seems to make for better emotional impact for me). Of course, most of that preamble doesn't apply to your 5-7-5 per se, except that I am familiar with many of your tropes now, and I think that this short poem is like a reigned-in version of one of your longer, free verse pieces. I believe that you have written from your heart here... So, whatever it is that you have done to achieve that end, you've definitely got it going on... Best of luck in the contest! Yours, Stephie
|
Wow, Mikey Cahill, you romantic, you! You always manage to pack rich, raw emtotion into your poems -- even when you employ some shorter forms or rhyming styles (even though your free verse is the best) -- as a reader of poetry, I'm more interested in the meanings of the words, themselves, first, then whether the images are picturesque and/or unique (yet genuine, rather than stilted), then whether sound play, double entendres, etc., are employed, then (and only then!) Whether the rhymes and meter are well-crafted (and sometimes, off-rhythms seems to make for better emotional impact for me). Of course, most of that preamble doesn't apply to your 5-7-5 per se, except that I am familiar with many of your tropes now, and I think that this short poem is like a reigned-in version of one of your longer, free verse pieces. I believe that you have written from your heart here... So, whatever it is that you have done to achieve that end, you've definitely got it going on... Best of luck in the contest! Yours, Stephie
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
I love the message, and I think you stayed within the difficult form well. I wonder if the last line might flow better and be more grammatically correct if it read "love's door is never locked?" Or would that be against the "rules" of this format?
|
I love the message, and I think you stayed within the difficult form well. I wonder if the last line might flow better and be more grammatically correct if it read "love's door is never locked?" Or would that be against the "rules" of this format?
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from Dawn Munro
Wow, Mikey, this is truly exquisite; a powerful and very, very beautiful 5-7-5, not merely for the wonderful weaving of words, but for the marvelous sentiment behind them...
Best of luck with this jewel!
|
Wow, Mikey, this is truly exquisite; a powerful and very, very beautiful 5-7-5, not merely for the wonderful weaving of words, but for the marvelous sentiment behind them...
Best of luck with this jewel!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from tbacha58
You are so right in your notes, you have reached the peak of the mountains in writing and winning, that is why you can afford to preach and write. Good luck for the contest, sure you are a winner. Love Terry xoxoxo
|
You are so right in your notes, you have reached the peak of the mountains in writing and winning, that is why you can afford to preach and write. Good luck for the contest, sure you are a winner. Love Terry xoxoxo
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from rama devi
Nice theme and well voiced with a fine 5-7-5 style poem and a lovely presentation--what apt artwork to complement your poem. Nice consonance of L n the second two lines.
This poem communicates clearly as it is, but I can't help tripping slightly on the use of past tense CLOSED when the poem's meaning implies CLOSES. Seems forced (to me) to meet the syllable count.
A remedy for that, if you feel like tweaking this, would be to avoid using a three syllable word (finally) in line two and replace it...for example, "AT LAST" means the same thing.
And since this is not haiku, I recommend using a dash to show the new sentence in the last line.
once unrequited
lonely souls win love at last--
door never closes
The font color and background color enhance the artwork nicely--gorgeous! I found it odd to have such large spaces between the lines, but that is of course a matter of personal taste and style.
Just mentioning!
It occurs to me that you might have meant past tense on the CLOSED because your author's notes imply you're talking about the door in youth...but I think that meaning is conveyed even with closes...and it fits the poem best using present and continuous tense (that includes the past)--as love is ongoing...
Just my two cents.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
|
Nice theme and well voiced with a fine 5-7-5 style poem and a lovely presentation--what apt artwork to complement your poem. Nice consonance of L n the second two lines.
This poem communicates clearly as it is, but I can't help tripping slightly on the use of past tense CLOSED when the poem's meaning implies CLOSES. Seems forced (to me) to meet the syllable count.
A remedy for that, if you feel like tweaking this, would be to avoid using a three syllable word (finally) in line two and replace it...for example, "AT LAST" means the same thing.
And since this is not haiku, I recommend using a dash to show the new sentence in the last line.
once unrequited
lonely souls win love at last--
door never closes
The font color and background color enhance the artwork nicely--gorgeous! I found it odd to have such large spaces between the lines, but that is of course a matter of personal taste and style.
Just mentioning!
It occurs to me that you might have meant past tense on the CLOSED because your author's notes imply you're talking about the door in youth...but I think that meaning is conveyed even with closes...and it fits the poem best using present and continuous tense (that includes the past)--as love is ongoing...
Just my two cents.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
-
Oh , that second line is a vast improvement. not sure about the third line. I ended up with something a little different.
once unrequited
lonely souls win love at last-
love's door never locked
What do you think? Great ideas. I don't know what possessed me with the large spaces. Hahaha. I am grand!!! mikey
-
you ARE grand! LOVE is grand. :)
I like the edit, though I am not sure about repeating love twice. Maybe use HEART's door?
-
How about:
once unrequited
lonely hearts find love at last-
soul's door never locked
-
Yes! Perfect. :)
Comment from TAB_that's me
You are right Mikey, love's door never closes:) Great 5-7-5 form with perfect syllable count. Good luck in the contest:)
Teresa
|
You are right Mikey, love's door never closes:) Great 5-7-5 form with perfect syllable count. Good luck in the contest:)
Teresa
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Age does tend to do that to you. Old age robs you of the strength to continue long enough! LOL, excellent 5-7-5, Mikey, and it really is a good message. Love does keep you young, its the bones that don't realise that. Good luck in the contest. xsx sandra
|
Age does tend to do that to you. Old age robs you of the strength to continue long enough! LOL, excellent 5-7-5, Mikey, and it really is a good message. Love does keep you young, its the bones that don't realise that. Good luck in the contest. xsx sandra
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
Comment from pattipac
Your few words give a true message that a loving relationship is possible no matter what age. Be alert, a loving relationship maybe just around the corner.
|
Your few words give a true message that a loving relationship is possible no matter what age. Be alert, a loving relationship maybe just around the corner.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014